Hi i'm new here, not sure if something of this nature has already been posted before, if anyone knows if there has been then please let me know.
I'm just here because i've finally received a diagnosis of high functioning ASD. my journey began in July of 2017, after many CBT courses that were not working for me with life going nowhere, experiencing the same struggles I have dealt with for about 20 years. I'm 26 now and thought getting a diagnosis would have made things make more sense.
Instead i've been left feeling like a fraud.
I first thought I was different when I was in nursery, and have always felt different and stereotypically like an outsider for all of my life, most new people I meet comment on how quiet and odd I seem, this is genuinely because I find it hard to communicate period!
Anyway, things got really bad for me when I decided to go to university in 2014 as a "mature" student, I found the change and the increase in socialisation so overwhelming that I would sometimes just leave gatherings without saying goodbye, would and still do suffer from what i call social hangovers. I don't understand how to be in big groups, but have managed over the years to deal with and learn to enjoy the company of one or two people. I have always had trouble looking people in the eyes because it's just too distracting for me and a boyfriend in the past has had a go at me for not looking him in the eyes when i would talk to him.
University would change lecture times and crits last minute and this would happen often, and it would make me angry and I would feel incredibly panicked and would just stop attending classes. I was told I had trouble with understanding hierarchy between myself and tutors, that would confuse me. I would be told off often, for what I imagine they thought was me being rude and unreasonable, but I had a hard time letting them know what things were bothering me.
I had a formal warning for poor attendance, I would skip classes because group crits were very overwhelming for me to the point I would feel a bit ill, I also found it hard to focus in a class full of students so my note taking suffered. ANWAY university was a mess, and managed to pull everything together in under three weeks, during that time i think i had what i would now call a full meltdown/burnout, that was in 2017 (JULY) and I honestly still don't feel like myself since.
Always had great difficulty following instruction and keeping jobs, I have only ever interned and have never been given a job. Never had my own salary, this is one of the main reasons I thought it would be worth seeking diagnosis.
I was referred to Barnet Mencap which is a stop gap before being referred to a specialist hospital. Mencap is a service for people with mental disabilities, and at my appointment they did the Autism Questionnaire, I was told then that it was highly likely that I would receive a diagnosis of Aspergers, and possibly Pathological demand avoidance, and that it would be wise to read about both conditions and to maybe put together a docket to take along with me to the final assessment.
I was then put on a 12 month waiting list, in October my ASD assessment finally arrived, on the day I arrived an hour earlier than my appointment time (I have always had issues with time keeping)
Because I am an adult, I only had a 40 minute assessment first with an occupational therapist, then an hour long interview with a psychiatrist. The OT was great, but when I arrived early to see the psychiatrist I couldnt help but feel like he was rushing me along. I was told the assessment would be an hour and thirty, but only lasted forty minutes.
I had a lot more to tell him, but he only felt that knowing about my secondary school career was important.
Because I had been reading about autism for 12 months as suggested by the assessor at Mencap in 2017, I understandably picked up more appropriate and concise ways to describe my life experiences. I have always had trouble speaking to people in the moment and having everything I want to say on hand. So I thought that reading about the condition would have been a positive, and would have helped the psychiatrist in understanding where I was coming from.
However at the end of the assessment he abruptly stopped typing and looked up at me and said "Hmmm you sound very text book... the terms and language you use to describe your experiences make me feel like you're too invested in getting this diagnosis, which makes me a bit cautious about your intentions for this diagnosis"
He then went on to ask me if everything I had told him was true and that if it was, that I would meet the criteria for Aspergers. I feel confused at this point, he sent the report in the post and he wrote the exact same thing about him being doubtful about whether or not my life story was completely true.
I have to mention, that when he finished the assessment he looked me up and down and said, "you seem to have a good idea of what fashion is, and you have tattoos, but I have to remember that obviously women present differently to men"
I don't know what to think, I wanted to get professional opinion not for the fun of it, but because I've struggled most of my life and have never known why. I kind of wish the people at mencap hadn't suggested that I read up on the condition as much as possible, because maybe then I wouldn't have been doubted in the final assessment.
What do you guys think, is it something I should get a second opinion on? It doesn't really install the most confidence when even the psychiatrist can't make his mind up about me??
Would be interesting to know if anyone here has dealt with this before.
Sorry for the essay, but if you managed to get to the end thank you.
25 Nov 2018, 8:04 pm
