My boyfriend is autistic and i need help coping

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My boyfriend is autistic, has asperges and has ADHD.

Ive been going out with him for 4 months and its been really hard, a month into the relationship he finally told me about his disability and i was fine with it because i love him and it didnt bother me. 2 Months into the relationship he started getting obsessive and protective over me, he wouldnt let me see my boy bestfriend, he accused me of cheating numerous times and kept talking about losing me. When we first were going out he was the sweetest thing ever he would be a gentlemen he was always happy but now he isnt any of that, 4 months later i feel like he is deteriorating because of me, hes always upset because he things he is a crap boyfriend, hes being very critical of himself, he talks about killing himself, he hasnt got a good relationship with his family because they take his disability money and its just a massive mess at the moment. I dont have any disorders or have any health issues im a healthy child and ive looked up autism to get a better understanding but its not helping its just getting worse and i feel like ending my relationship because of how much strain im putting on him he always tells me he loves me but he always talks about losing me and i cant bare it im finding it hard to cope i love him i really do but i dont know what to do and i need some tips on how to deal with him can some help ?

He sounds like a loser. Don't be with him. Relationships aren't supposed to be like that you know

It's not your fault, it sounds like he is not ready for a relationship at this point in time.

I disagree vehemently with these negative comments!

It took me years to understand my behaviours were not because I was BAD but because I had extra CHALLENGES that NTs do not have.

He may or may not be right for you or ready for a relationship but that is a different matter.

It takes a special person to hold a relationship with someon with social difficulties. It may or may not be you.

However
All the things you write are CLASSIC behaviours for aspies. I have done them all and I am beginning only now to understand why.

I have managed after many failed relationships to maintain a partner for nearly 10 years now. She is amazing.

Here are some tips off th top of my head for you to try.

1. keep reassuring .him REGULARLY until he internalises this(may take years or be never)... we have had so many knock backs and rejections that we simply do not believe that some one will stay with us because they like us. We can be very insecure.... Tell him don`t worry love ......I want you and I`m not going anywhere.

2. Check and recheck what he means, get him to check and recheck what you mean... many inferences are lost on us so need clearly explaining/

3. If something is wrong or difficult , just say it... do not beat around the bush. (while you are saying it do step 1.)

4. Patience ... and don`t take it personally

5. Make time space for yourself seperately (do step 1 as you explain) sometimes it is hard work so you need to be honest about YOUR needs must be met so you are able to give him your energies and love.

6. If he gets anxious, stressed or even pannicky (eg if he thinks you will leave him) don`t take it personally, try not to get wound up and help him see that it is his AS which is coming out.

7. laugh a lot

8. Reassure him that you will work with him.

9. Remember that if he looks serious, grumpy angry, it may just be his `resting face` and he may not be annoyed at all.

10. Perhaps discuss him disclosing his difficulties (he leads this) to very close freinds so they can take account of his differences and support you both.

Many of us have experienced a life time of social rejection and hurt and it is painful everytime for us. In addition the history of that hurt is a heavy burden that we carry around and that makes us not expect good things to happen and when they do we don`t trust them or feel really vulnerable and anxious that they to will fall apart (`Catastrophising` behaviour)... hence he may get over-jealous for a while until he relaxes a bit and believes that you are not going anywhere.... AND you accept him JUST AS HE IS.

Good luck, It may or not work out for you... it takes a special person. But it can be done.. I have a deep and loving relationship with my partner, we have been close to the edge many times but it is getting better and better now that she accepts me as I am and knows I am working hard to take of my rough edges where I can. Where I can` she just accepts I`m trying my best and loves me with true compassion.

its often hard work but we can be the most honest, hard working, dedicated, loving, loyal, caring. funny. people you will ever find. If you can both maintain this relationship you will have a friend (love) for life.
There are so many hidden depths which make up for surface difficulties....... and lastly don`t take everything really seriously, make sure you give yourself a break at times... it can be tough at times. ......but worth it!

p.s. there are groups out there of pople who love care for people with Autism, they can share their experiences so you dont feel you are the only one doing this.

p.s. most NT men find girlfriends who have a male best friend very difficult... its not just his autism

This is a well known truth...... they are commonly jokingly called ` boyfriends in waiting`

this may or may not be true, but he doesn`t know that.... try to understand this.
This is NOT especially an autistic but a NT trait that most men (and most women too!) do

Hello Peejay, hope you're well.
The OP has listed her age as 15, did you see that?

THIS.

IN SPADES.

IN NEON.

You being 15 do not need all this drama. If it is the choice between this and no relationship, I'd pick no relationship.

This young man needs to work on himself. You are not his psychiatrist. You are not a psychiatric social worker. You don't have the skills to "fix" a person with Aspergers, ADHD, suicidal tendencies (he is also depressed), and a sh***y, trainwreck family relationship. You don't have the life experiences to even start.

He has no right to control who you see and don't. If you were married to him, it would be considered domestic violence.

I've known my Aspie husband since I was 19. I'm 51 right now (older than DIRT! lol).

It hasn't been easy. Married for 10 years, divorced for three, than remarried. He need those three years to really get his s**t together. And grow up. A lot.

If this guy is the one, he will be there once he figures out how to live his own life, on his terms, himself. You don't need to be his parents or mental health team.

My husband wanted a mom when we where first dating. He wanted someone to slay all the dragons, because the world was a very scary place. I took that role and it sucked big time. I was married to an emotional stunted guy, with the social skills of an 11 year old. I was mom and a sex partner on the side. That is not marriage.

I would cool the dating stuff with him, and take some time off. This isn't working for YOU. No one says you can't be nice to him. But I don't think 15 year olds should have exclusive relationships. If you pulled the Aspergers diagnosis out, and everything was still the same, I would say the same thing.

He's not ready to an exclusive relationship, and really you aren't either. He has too many issues to be an equal partner in relationships right now.

I'm really concerned about his talk of killing himself--he sounds like he's in a really bad state. Is he getting any therapy to deal with his stress levels? If not, suggest that his parents get him one. If you don't think the parents will help with that, maybe a school counselor or priest/minister/vicar could talk to him. If he doesn't want to do that, you may need to tell his parents he is talking about suicide. Please take this seriously--being a teenager is stressful enough, and adding autism to it is much harder. You don't have to handle this alone, and you shouldn't. Talk to your parents, too, if you think they will be supportive. Or the school counselor/priest/minister/vicar.

I'm not saying you should end the relationship, but it sounds like maybe you two should slow down a bit, and make sure you are both better emotionally. He may need you to be a friend more than a girlfriend right now. But I am not saying which is the best thing for you to be--but you both need to find out what the right thing is. No matter what, never ever allow him to abuse you.

The most important thing is for both of you to be safe. Next important thing is to be equal, whether you are friends or lovers. Autism makes us control freaks a lot of the time, because we get very anxious about things that most people would not care about, like how our environment feels, or predicting how someone will act. He will need to learn to trust you better if you are to continue.

Hi CherryBomb. Welcome to WP.
Personally I think 15 is a bit young to be in a relationship like this. I love that you love him that much and that you are really trying to make this work. I would suggest that you back off on the intensity of the relationship and make it more casual. I think that is important especially because of your age. It's good for for you to remain close to him because it's good for him to have the stability of a good friend who won't give up on him. But the things you are dealing with now are intense and pretty mature and I think it would help to tone it down a bit.

Yeh soz .... No I didn`t notice you were a teenage adult Cherrybomb, this is a little mistake by me, please forgive this as it does change a few things I said a bit (but not all), as you are both probably fairly new to relationships.

To be honest you should be trying to have fun at your age and not get into things too seriously, so my comments above are probably to help a person perhaps more experienced in longer term relationships.

I would also agree that perhaps you might not want to take this as the biggest relationship you will ever have in your life even if you think so right now. It may however end up as a long friendship even if it is not a partnership?
I now look back affectionately on how different I am now from your age. Our thoughts on what love is DO change throughout life... mine have, so will yours so don`t do anything you cannot change.

Time is a weird concept in that we cant really feel how long it is when we are doin it . .... can you say what 10 years (as an adult) is like? you will change and grow many times during this period and so will he, so be gentle with him and yourself and take your time I know it feels really strong buy remember realistically you are both still growing.
Companions often last longer than love relationships.

Support from others could really help you both navigate this emotionally charged time.

Saying that, all the advice I have given above works with many aspies to help partners cope with their issues so I wouldn`t take any of that back.

You both hopefully have a long and rich life ahead of you.

Oh yeh and I agree with what Tawaki says about him needing more professional help (especially if he is getting depressed) rather than you. The worlds best professionals find this area of mental health challenging enough nevermind what you are going through so take it easy on yoursefl... get some help in.
This is a complex area and is waaay plenty for my own lovely wife to cope with after 10 years of partnership and she is experienced and 42.
So you probably shouldn`t be trying to work this out on your own.... its a biggie and not always solvable. here and now.. get some help. Good luck petal

Honestly what you describe is bordering on a abusive relationship. He is afraid he will lose you so he acts controlling about it by alienating you from your friends. I will tell you it is going to get worse because that is how abusive relationships normally start. They start out good and then the partner changes gradually and it gets worse and worse. I will advise you to read the signs of an abusive relationship so you know what to look for and what is abuse so you can get out sooner because the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave it. Also your profile says you are 15, how old is your boyfriend?
The good news is you are a minor so you can get an adult involved if he is harassing you and you aren't living with him.
Also another thing about abusers is they will manipulate you by saying how they will kill themselves or saying how you can't live without them or how they can't live without you and how bad their life is so you will stay. It is not your responsibility and it wouldn't be your fault if he kills himself. If he feels so suicidal, give him a suicide hotline to call or tell him to call his doctor and tell him he is suicidal or get an adult involved about how suicidal he is. Tell your parents or school counselor. Also abusers seem to have sob stories about how they are a victim so I don't even know if he is being genuine with his stories or manipulative which is why I said bordering on abuse. If he does have true issues and trust issues, he isn't ready for a relationship and he needs help before he can enter one.

If you say you're a child then he must be a child himself or a young adult, and a lot of young people (especially boys) aren't always ready for a relationship, even some NTs.

Also, that is not what all Autistic people are like. I've been in a serious relationship for over a year, and I can handle it rather instinctively.

Bolded the things that are red flags for manipulation/abuse. Whether you stay or not is up to you, but if he makes you feel responsible for everything wrong in the relationship or if he tries to emotionally blackmail you into staying then you need to bail. I HIGHLY recommend you pick up a copy of The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It has help on shutting down manipulative comments and honestly it should be required reading for anyone in the dating pool.

Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder traits more than Asperger's with the unstable relationship, manipulative controlling behavior and threats of suicide. I agree with other's in this thread, he is not fit a relationship at the moment. You do not need to be his mental health team, and it is unacceptable for him to try control you and hold you hostage in this abusive relationship with threats of suicide.

Cherrybomb, I would definitely stop the romantic part of this relationship. If you guys can just be casual friends that's one thing, but I think the boyfriend/girlfriend part should take a rest.

At this time in both your lives, he's not the one for you.

He has a lot to learn about relationships, and one way that people learn is through their mistakes. If you let him know, very clearly, that it's not working out then you are actually doing him a good think in the long run. The only way he can become better at the relationship thing is by learning what works (and what doesn't work!). The whole clingy thing clearly doesn't work with you.

I was probably a lot like him at that age. It took some failed relationships, but I eventually figured out how to keep one going. We just celebrated our third anniversary.

You have to be clear if you end it, though. You cannot give him false hope, otherwise he will keep badgering you about it and you will still be stressed out. Unfortunately, it is probably better in the long run for him (and you) to take a lengthy break from your friendship.

Good luck.