PLEASE HELP me understand my social issues. Newly Diagnosed

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I'm still sorting out the specific problems I have when it comes to social situations and being in public places. I was diagnosed with Aspergers last Tuesday (I'm 31 male).

There are several major socially related issues (with anxiety) that I am trying to categorize as either an aspergers symptom or anxiety.

The WORST symptom I have occurs in ALL unfamiliar public situations. I get extremely "lost" and almost dizzy. I'm hyper aware of everything. Take the supermarket (which I have been able to avoid all of my life until now). I know where everyone is in regards to myself. I'm aware of all movement around me in my peripheral vision. I do not make eye contact with anyone because I don't know where I am suppose to look or how long I am suppose to look. I don't want people to think I am some weirdo and am like stalking them. When in public I walk really fast and try to get to where I need to be and hurry the hell up to get out of whatever store or place I am in. People tell me I walk and look like I "have somewhere important to be." When it comes to interaction with cashiers I have my wallet out immediately and HAVE NO CLUE WHERE I AM SUPPOSE TO LOOK. IT MAKES ME EXTREMELY ANXIOUS AND PARANOID THAT I LOOK HIGH OR PEOPLE CAN TELL THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. I just stand there looking down; pretending to me interested in magazines or gum in the checkout isle. There seems to be an awkwardness that comes from me sometimes like the cashier thinks I am in a rush and in a bad mood.

All social interaction in public has to have a purpose (i.e. cashier). Sometimes when I am in a good mood or if I think hard enough about it I force myself to say high to certain people as I walk past them.

In family social gatherings the same thing occurs basically. I do not know what to say to people. I feel so awkward. I move from one room to the next to outside to inside--and then I just leave. At ALL social gatherings I do this. The only way I ever truly connect with someone is one-on-one and it's only with a handful of people who have known me since I was a baby. Usually it's just exchanging pleasantries. People ask me whats new and I always tell them nothing is new. It's So &%$*ING hard getting past this and actually connecting with people.

I have zero friends and am EXTREMELY LONELY. I don't know what to do. Or even if this is Aspergers or social anxiety.

Even though I am diagnosed with Aspergers now I am not completely convinced. I'd like to know if what I am describing sounds like Aspergers to you--it will help me accept my diagnosis if it is. If I really do have Aspergers, and I actually hope I do, so instead of being a weird or "stuck up" socially awkward guy people don't know what's wrong with I can just explain I have Aspergers.

I can't even chat on FB instant messenger because I don't know what to say. I do fit the Aspergers pattern of having specific interests. Mine are religion, spirituality, psychology, mystical experiences, altered states of consciousness, kundalini, and how they all fit together. This is all I care about. My whole life I have either had specific interests (usually spirituality) or my interest change every year or so.

When it comes to eye contact I do not know what to do. BUT when I am in a comfortable environment--like talking with my therapist or someone I know well--I do not even think about my eye contact and it seems to occur naturally. My psych. even mentioned this on the last visit where before she said I'd always look away.

When I was a kid if I was at a birthday party I would always socialize with the (female adults). At recess in first grade I never joined in with the other males in sports and I specifically remember trying to fit in with the girls (but that didn't happen either. I can't do groups. If I am able to be myself in a group I only talk about my self and my limited interests and people get turned off really fast--this happens to me especially if I drink way too much.

I can socialize one on one ok. It's still a challenge but it's possible. Groups are impossible. At BBQ's or Party's (which I avoid at all costs) I am ok with the introduction and the "what do you do for a living" questions--but I can not get past this.

Sorry if this is random (I'm just listing things as they come to mind: One thing I can do when I dress up professionally and put on a positive attitude is impress people. I used to be into personal development when I was 19. I had a job selling cell phones in a kiosk inside the mall. The kiosk made me feel safe. I was able to function ok and didn't experience the dizziness and sensory overload of a new or crowded place. I've noticed that the more familiar and comfortable I become with my environment the less issues I have.

Please tell me what you think. Do these things sound like social anxiety or Aspergers? I am so desperate to know.

Thanks

I would print this out (what you just typed) and take it to your therapist and get his/her professional opinion.

In my very unprofessional opinion the things you are describing sound a lot like AS. I have it as well and the experiences you are describing sound quite familiar.

I've chatted with people on WP who have social anxiety as a kind of side-result of their AS. I also know some AS people who have no social anxiety at all. They could care less what others think. I like what one poster on here said: If you've met one person with autism then you've met one person with autism.

I hear a lot of Asperger-like symptoms in what you described. Not knowing what to do in social situations is something you'll hear people discuss on WP often (not knowing what to do with eye contact, not knowing how to get past introductions, not knowing what to do with your body, not knowing what to say to people, etc.)

With AS you're born without the toolkit that naturally guides most people through social situations. I think (and someone correct me if I'm wrong) that people with only social anxiety still possess those innate social skills.

You also mentioned your limited interests which I don't think is a diagnostic criteria for social anxiety. That would seem to lean more toward AS.

Again, though, I would print this out and take it to your therapist. That's your best resource if you trust them and feel comfortable with them.

People with social anxiety supposedly know what to do but feel extreme anxiety about doing it. The eye contact confusion you're describing is a common autistic problem. Here's a link to the RAADS-R self-test. Let me know if you have problems interpreting the score. I have my own scores saved and can throw them up either in this thread or in a direct message so you can see whatever you have versus a person who is "very neurotypical" meaning that I am on an extreme end away from autistic people.

I read about an exercise for eye contact desensitization that might help you. You're supposed to take a couple of times a day when you always do the same thing, maybe when you brush your teeth, and make yourself stare at a small object for 1 minute. You do that every day for a few days, then you make the object smaller. So I guess you would force yourself to look at a corner of the object. You do that for a few days, twice a day for 1 minute. Then you make yourself make eye contact with a random stranger for a few seconds. Hold it for like 10 seconds, then look away. The next day you do it again, but you make yourself smile. NOT someone you come in contact with. You don't want to practice on someone you know. The point is so that you can do it in the same way you would turn a doorknob or pick up a bag. Just making your body perform an action.

Then you can eventually get into a routine and it won't feel so weird. There's always the option of saying, I don't do eye contact with strangers and just letting it go. But it sounds like this is important to you. So yes, you can train yourself to get into a routine where you will look at a cashier's eyes for 2 seconds only if they are making eye contact with you. If they ask X you will answer Y. You'll just memorize some things that are commonly called "scripts." Even neurotypical people use these standardized social scripts. We just don't think about it. Your anxiety about these things will come way down as you get used to it.

Let me know if you have any questions. I'm interested in this kind of thing so I may know things off the top of my head, but I also have a ton of books on hand and am happy to look things up.

If you get sensory overload as is common for people on the spectrum it can certainly make you anxious. This is believed to have a lot to do with eye contact difficulties.

spectrum disorder (ASD) have difficulty processing everyday sensory information such as sounds, sights and smells. This is usually called having sensory integration difficulties, or sensory sensitivity. It can have a profound effect on a person's life.

People with Aspergers often have difficulty reading body language of other people. We on the spectrum tend to be quite literal. If we say I like you I like you. Typical people often do not use language literally. The may say I like you but use body language and tone of voice to say I hate you. Typical people will pick up these "social cues" will see by the other person's body language and tone of voice that the other person does nor like you. The Autistic person often will not pick up these non verbal signals and think the other person likes them.

Whatever the reason if you fail often in social situations that is going to make you anxious.

I hope the new Aspergers diagnosis helps you.

Sorry it's taken me this long to get back. I wasn't able to post yesterday.

[quote=iAndrew]
TOTAL: 148 [/quote]

My total score was 20. Your score puts you on the autism spectrum. Mine puts me very far on the neurotypical side. If you need a personality reference, I think I have a lot in common with Chevy Chase in his early movies.

[quote=iAndrew]
LANGUAGE: 17 [/quote]

The average score for autistic men (I assume you are a man but tell me if not) is 11. This tells me that people don't always understand what you're trying to say and that you don't always understand other people when they're speaking. Maybe like a person who has learned a new language, but has an obvious accent and doesn't understand the nuances of all the new words. Even if you are never "naturally" a smooth talker, you will continue to improve through practice. If you decided to be, say, a hermit for a few years, I would expect that you would have a lot of trouble talking to people after that break. I'd always keep practicing conversations with people when you have the chance. My score was 2. I'm more like a car salesman.

[quote=iAndrew]
SOCIAL RELATEDNESS: 78[/quote]

This is about how much you want to be around other people, how comfortable you are around them, and so on. The average autistic male score is 72, so you're just slightly higher. What I see from this is that you probably do want to be around other people, but not all the time, and you might feel really awkward when you are around people. I would just try to keep your interactions with other people in balance- as in, don't force yourself past the point where you're panicking or upset, but it's good to keep being around people now and then. My social relatedness was 2. I'm one of those people who strike up conversations with strangers because I'll see someone out and get curious about them. Then I'll walk away kind of being friends with the stranger. I'm very comfortable around other people, in almost any situation.

[quote=iAndrew]
SENSORY/MOTOR: 32[/quote]

The average score for autistic males is 35, so you're just a little bit lower. I would expect that things like loud noises, strong smells, textures, etc would be tolerable to you unless you were already stressed out or physically ill. Then those things might be like a straw that broke the camel's back. You wouldn't be able to tolerate them until you were rested up. My score was 4. I don't notice things like noises, smells and textures. I can also be in pain or be hungry all day and not really notice it.

[quote=iAndrew]
CIRCUMSCRIBED INTERESTS: 21[/quote]

The average score for autistic males is higher than yours, at 35. I would imagine from this that you have more interests than the typical autistic person. This is probably working in your favor in many ways. It's easier to understand things and talk to people if you have varied knowledge (instead of more specialized knowledge). My score was 12. So I'm just a little lower than most neurotypical people. Basically, I'm interested in everything and it can be hard for me to concentrate on one thing because I get distracted.

I hope this was helpful. If I was way off, let me know.

Aspies are very variable, but yes, what you are describing sounds a lot like the way I was in my 20's and 30's - diagnosed recently in my 50's without any mention of an anxiety disorder. Someone with a qualified opinion would be better able to answer your questions than me.

Paying at the till is still a bit of a visit to a voidy or weird zone for me, - I like the self serve points.

In my 50's I started dressing well, acting in a blank manner and making sure I was washed and shaved before going out shopping. Mood feels easier to regulate with age, or at least the appearance of mood.