BERNARD TISMAN'S STORIES

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A TRIP TO THE CINEMA



I went to the cinema in Ilford see a film.
During the film I wanted to go to the toilet but had to wait, until the film is finished, then I can go.
I managed to hold it up because to go to the toilet during a film would be disrupting it.
Other people watching the film in the cinema wouldn't like it if I walked past them because to go to the toilet because I would be disrupting their entertainment
luckilly I managed to hold out until I got home.

I think that all cinema seats should be replaced by toilets so if I'm caught short and bursting to go to the loo I could sit on a toilet whilst watching a film in the cinema.

Having toilet bowls to sit on whilst watching a film would save having to hold it up until the end of the film.

In my day centre when I take part in the exercise group I don't go to the toilet because doing the exercise is more important.
I just have to hold it up because there are people who attend that centre who would say,
'what a cheek.

Last edited by Sinahwarren on 23 Aug 2010, 8:41 am, edited 10 times in total.

You should get a new carrer.

I worked as a carer for years, with physically and mentally disabled people, and in my opinion that is out of line. Client care is supposed to be top on your priority list. I also knew some people who really should not have been given a position of power like that over vulnerable people - perhaps your unreasonable carer was one of these types. A supervisor should certainly be told if that kind of behaviour persists.

THE BIRTHDAY PARTY


One day it was someone's birthday and to celebrate it it was decided that the man should go to a restaurant and have a meal.

When the time came to sing "Happy Birthday" a big five mile long birthday cake was put onto the table. The cake was installed, but, 'because of its monstrous size the side of the restaurant had to be demolished to enable the cake to reach across the entire town. It was shared by the whole of Redbridge.

Scaffolding was erected to enable the cake to hover over buildings across the whole of Redbridge.


People in the restaurant had to get out of the way as the gigantic cake enveloped the room.


Staff appologised for the damage done to the restaurant because of a whacking great big cake that stretched for miles, resulting in parts of the restaurant having to be demolished to make room for the cake to stretch across the town.

As it stretched across the town it had to be sprayed with bird repellent to prevent birds from eating it for it was a birthday present for Nigel Birthday.


People all over Redbridge cut the cake with chain saws and ate loads of slices.


The restaurant was rebuilt.


Another birthday present for the birthday boy was a visit to a bathroom where he offered to have a bath lasting two days because he had to be clean as it was his birthday. He also bought a suit with cloth shoes sewn onto the bottom of his trousers and a three armed jacket as well as a tie reaching right down to his feet and a television as big as his house.[/b]

When I was at boarding school there was a boy on my table who wouldn't let me have milk on my cereal and had to eat it bone dry.
A cereal without any milk is not nice to eat, but it just happened because that boy was a bully.
he also forbade me to have a cup of tea.
That boy's name was Douglas Milton, and with him, his mate, Roy Horrocks.
I once told the teacher about them and Roy Horrocks said that he's going to smash my face in because I told the teacher about him.

Douglas Milton was one of the worst bullies and doing things like depriving me of milk on my cereal and making me eat it bone dry was the worst thing he could do to me.
I was also refused a cup of tea.
Eventually I had to move to another table to get away from the bullies who wouldn't let me have milk on my cereal.

Last edited by Sinahwarren on 21 Aug 2010, 5:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

ROTTEN APPLES



Just as I was about to have my tea I opened up a new bag of apples and found the whole lot had gone rotten. They were only bought a week ago. They shouldn't have gone off like that in such a short space of time.
The apples were bought in Tesco. I had to throw the whole lot in the bin even though they were bought only a week ago.

Last edited by Sinahwarren on 23 Aug 2010, 8:44 am, edited 3 times in total.

Wow, making people wait to go to the bathroom like that is bordering on abuse. People can get UTIs and kidney problems that way, which can be really serious.

possible?

THE ALLOTMENT PROJECT



One day it was decided to formally open the allotment in Nutter and Bolter lane, Washstead, Essexshire, and the man who was to cut the tape to formally open the allotment was none other than Mr Peter Bread, a councillor of Redbridge.

To celebrate this achievement it was decided to sing the allotment's anthem, composed by Eddie Manure.There was a cafe in the allotment - made of horse manure, well set, but it had to be disinfected every time someone entered the cafe because the manure which it was made from often stunk.


The allotment toilets were exposed and consisting of pit latrines behind the shed.
In some cases the allotment sheds did indeed contain toilets, but people who came to the allotment to dig were permitted to carry toilet bowls in their rucksacks, so, in the event of being caught short whilst digging they could take their toilets out of their rucksacks and use them.

Last edited by Sinahwarren on 23 Aug 2010, 8:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

THE MAN WHO BECAME A PEST



One day a man doing a pot scourer job started to swear.

One of the day centre members, John Watts shouted to him:

"You're a pest"

Not only John Watts, but even other people said what a pest he was including David Ronson and David Blemish.



The pot scourer job involved cutting pieces of a roll then you rolled that piece up, put in a label and thread a wire through attached to a bodkin then cut it off.

Finally, the remaining wire sticking out is removed and the scourer is ready to be sold to the shops.

Last edited by Sinahwarren on 25 Aug 2010, 11:21 am, edited 3 times in total.

No

Bernard also posts on an AS Forum in the UK - he just likes telling his stories.

I think they give him an outlet for his frustrations and help him come to terms with the stuff he has to put up with as he appears to live in some kind of residential home or supported accommodation.

THE WORKSTATION





Once upon a time there stood a workshop by the side of a railway station platform. As soon as you got off the train, in front of you was a door that led straight from the platform. You went through this door and entered a factory, ruled by a brutal boss who forbade people to go to the toilet during work hours. If they did then he would send a big dog to fetch them and drag them back into the workshop. It’s no joke, he could bite.
Because going to the toilet was forbidden during work hours people had to hold it up until they couldn’t hold it up anymore, causing them to mess themselves. In fact a number of people did go to toilet in their trousers. This created such a stink that a few people dropped like flies, but the cruel boss wouldn’t lift a finger to help, in fact he shouted at the fainted workers to get up and work, but how could they, they weren’t conscious enough to do so. One of the managers saw everything the cruel boss was doing, so he had to intervene. He sneaked off to a shop and bought antibiotic air fresheners. Before you could know it the kindly manager walked in and sprayed the air with the penicillin air freshener to shut out the pong. The people who messed themselves had to wait until they got home, then they would chuck the stinking clothes into the washing machine.
Because of the risk of contamination from waste, buckets of disinfectant had to be poured into the washing machine, together with the soap powder and Calgon.
Now it’s back to the cruel factory in a station.

The boss, Mr. Fred Dung, was a tyrant. He made workers work harder than hard and not only did he outlaw going to the toilet during work hours he also made sure that there was no lunch break.
When lunch came you had to work whilst you were busy eating.
Food was brought to the workshop and loaded into huge cannons that protruded from the ceiling. A trigger was pulled and the grub shot straight into peoples’ mouths, a feeding machine in a cannon.
After eating you had to drink. Each drink was loaded into tanks and from these tanks the drink would go along a pipe and come out through a tap on the ceiling. The tap was turned on and the drink came out. People had to open their mouths and hold their heads up. The drink would then drop in their mouths straight from a drink tap on the ceiling.

The various jobs in this factory included making fish kettles’ egg bottles sardine bags, plus Rin Tin Tin openers.


Here are the rules of this factory



1. You have to be in by 9.89 every morning
2. Rub ice cream into your trousers to make them really strong
3. Shave your hair with a blow lamp
4. Make sure that you have tomatoes in your shoes
5. Don’t wear jackets they could harbour birds’ nests
6. Use ear wax to polish your shoes
7. No laughing during work otherwise the boss would give you the cane
8. Don’t wear shorts, your bare legs could contaminate the workshop causing dangerous germs to breed that could kill the other workers, even cause the lights on the ceiling to burst, showering the other workers with dangerous poisonous glass.


One man, Tom Legs, broke the rules and ended up in prison for two hours.

In the end one of the managers found out what the mad boss was getting up to and called the police. The boss got taken to prison for running a cruel regime in the factory.

A new boss took over, Mr. C.X Pong. He was also a strict boss, but his rules were different. Like his predecessor he also made sure that no one visited the toilet during work hours, but, ‘to prevent soiling each worker had a slop bucket installed in his pants. At the end of the day the slop toilet would be emptied into the main toilet.

A new manager Mr. Rot, was appointed, and took charge of the workers.

One day the minister for Rotten Smells, William Zed paid a visit to this workstation factory and saw stink bomb toilet cleaners being manufactured.

Next on the line was the underwater secretary, Zelda Fishpaste. She came to see what the workers were up to.


The crimes carried out by the former boss were exposed.
Here are some of some of the rules he laid out.


1. Every person is obliged to shave his beard off with a blow lamp
2. Don’t use the toilet or you’ll get sent to prison
3. Always make sure that there are beans in your ears ‘they will help you hear well.
4. Always carry a box with your teeth.
5. No laughing in workshop, if you do a man will come round and throw a bucket of lava over you.

6. No rucksacks allowed they could set the place alight.



Under the former boss’s regime each worker had to undergo a harsh examination by a doctor. The doctor would get hold of a head opener and take the top of your head off to look at your brain, and if so take the brain out and put it into the washing machine. Once washed the brain would be returned to its owner. Once returned the top of the owner’s head would be put back on. Once done the worker would have to have his feet vacuum cleaned so that the pong wouldn’t spread throughout the whole factory and set off a deadly odour bringing dangerous germs throughout the place.
Another thing, because of the former boss’s refusal to let anyone use the toilet during work hours even people with stomas weren’t spared. They were forced to work even when their bags were overfilling. As a result their bags fell off causing a real mess by sliding down their trousers and hitting the floor and creating an awful smell, the sort of things that a boss like Fred Dung could get up to. Because of this one of the managers had to get a nurse to see to the workers with stomas whose bags fell off due to overfilling. The boss tried to chuck the nurse out but was stopped by an undercover policeman. The nurse put a screen round because the workers had to carry on working despite being attended to by the nurse otherwise they would land up in jail.

“You should report that brutal factory boss to the police said the nurse to the manager, fancy letting this happen, allowing people with stomas to continue working even whilst their bags were getting too full until they fell off. He not only allowed workers to work whilst their bags were too full said the nurse he even forced them to work, until their bags were so full that they fell off. Even after the bags did fall off the mad boss still made them work with the result that stools were running all the way down their trousers and onto the floor creating a terrible stink, it shows what a cruel wicked boss he is. I heard that his name is Fred Dung, he deserves that name because he is a cruel wicked brute, hope someone lynches him. He should not make people with stomas work even whilst their bags became so full that they dropped off sliding right down their trousers and onto the floor spilling the contents onto the floor.”

The workers with stomas got cleaned up and continued to work.
This wasn’t the only cruel trick carried out by the brutal boss. One day he went too far and forced a man to carry a car into the workshop. As a result his body burst open, but the boss made him work, even with an open wound, and in the end died.
The other cruel things dished out by the boss were allowing vicious dogs to patrol the factory in order to prevent anyone from going to the toilet during work hours. The dogs employed by Fred Dung were Rottweilers.

Last edited by Sinahwarren on 21 Aug 2010, 1:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

THE HORROR BENEATH THE FRIDGE













One day when a man was about to open the fridge there was a terrible pong. The carer came up, pulled the fridge out and was shocked to find a dead body underneath the fridge.
It had lain there for five weeks and was decomposed. Its no wonder the fridge stunk.
The dustmen came and removed the dead man that had lain beneath a fridge for five weeks.

Due to the risk of catching a deadly disease all the food in the fridge had to be chucked out and put into yellow bags to avoid contamination from deadly germs that could seep out of the bag in the ordinary wheelie bin.
Also, the fridge had to be destroyed and replaced by another fridge.
Not only that, all the food that became contaminated because of the rotting corpse underneath a fridge had to be replaced - the same day, and this amounted to a massive shopping bill. To compensate for this the man's cousin went to a money shop and bought a load of money, he then gave it to his cousin.

The dead body underneath a fridge meant that the flat had to be fumigated.
The man was offered temporary accommodation, in his cousin's house whilst the flat was being disinfected to kill the deadly germs left over from a dead body that lay beneath a fridge.

After two days the flat was fit enough to be habitable again.

The cause of the dead body beneath a fridge was the result of a man who tried to get to the top floor through the ceiling of one of the flats and landed in a flat above - right underneath a fridge and got stuck there.
He suffocated and was dead five minutes later.
It only came to light when the support worker who was doing her rounds the next day phoned the man's relatives as the man, a visitor was his cousin, but saw no sign of him so she got out the master key,opened the door and found that he had gone, but what she did find was a hole in the ceiling, but what she did not know about was that there was a dead body 20 feet above, and, 'unbeknown to her the man went through the ceiling to get to the top floor but, because of the risk of collapse she called the workmen who then closed up the gap.
the carer did however phone the police to search for the missing man, a cousin of the resident but could find no trace of him. That wasn't until a man opened his fridge and was overwhelmed by a terrible stink that came from the fridge. This brought the carer up who then uncovered the dead body.

The news of a dead body beneath a fridge sent shockwaves through the entire block of flats.
The residents were really shocked to find out that the dead man was a cousin of one of the residents.
The next of kin were informed by the man's death beneath a fridge and a funeral was held in which relatives and some of the residents came to give him a send off.
The carers told them about the man trying to get to the top floor through the ceiling of his flat.

THE LOLLIPOP MAN WHO SHOT CARS








Once upon a time a lollipop man brought out his gun and shot every car that came to the zebra crossing in order to make them stop.
Hadn't the cars been shot they would have whizzed over the zebra crossing.

The lollipop's man favourite food was traffic lights.
He had to eat them in order to make him big and strong.

One day the zebra crossing jumped up and knocked the lollipop man flying.
he landed headfirst onto an egg tree and all the eggs smashed.
The tree went berserk and threw the man up to the sun, where he went right through the middle.
When he came out of the other end he became a lollipop man with fire coming out of his ears, so he went to a doctor in the Milky Way.
The doctor Mr William Egg, squirted fish into the lollipop man's ears and that got rid of the fire.
Soon afterwards the lollipop man crashed down to Earth and landed in a sheep pond.
When he got out he walked up to the nearest house, owned by a bowl of soup.
The soup said:
"I will get you back to your zebra crossing."

By the time he got back the lollipop man found chickens walking on the zebra crossing.
The lollipop man got out his gun and shot the chickens ,but they turned into wild baths.

Before you could say Jimmy Crickets a wild bath got up on its feet and chased the lollipop man up the road.
The bath then picked up the man and threw him into itself.
The taps turned on and drenched the man who couldn't escape from the wild bath.
Then, along came a ten foot tall man who then rescued the lollipop man from the wild bath.

The man sent the wild bath packing.
The bath ran off on four legs and went right into a lamp post.
the lamp post let out a yell and got hold of the wild bath.
It kicked it up into the sky and that was the end.
The wild bath floated into outer space and met a load of wild baths.
The baths said:
"We're gonna bash the Earth."

So the baths invaded Earth and all of a sudden a bath invaded Burnside Centre, grabbed a day centre user and made off with him.

Help! shouted the day centre user, save me from that wild bath."

But, before he could say Jimmy Fruitbread the wild bath filled itself up and drenched the day centre man who was inside it.
Next, a group of lockers came to the rescue and pulled David Coast the day centre member from the wild bath, but the bath got too big for its boots and beat the lockers up, so badly that they burst open and all the coats fell ill.
The coats were no match for the wild bath that was rampaging through the playground.

two instructors came out, armed with guns and shot the wild bath, but instead of killing it the guns made the wild bath even wilder.
In two seconds the bath ate the instructors (staff members).
All hell broke loose.
The bath in a mad rampage crashed through the window of Burnside and turned all the tables over.
A broom burst in and said:
"Hey Wild Bath, get out of here."

All of a sudden the bath lunged towards the terrified broom and killed it.
Next, a whole load of wild baths surrounded Burnside and held it hostage.

"We're gonna kill you shouted the wild baths to Burnside Centre.

Next, two baths burst in and found their mate (a wild bath) injured.

"Burnside Centre did this to our mate, so we're gonna bash that mad building."

But, before they could say any more the army burst in and threw grenades at the wild baths.
In ten seconds they got blown up.

Now, with the wild baths no more the world was now safe.

THE INCIDENT IN DORMITORY TWO AT RAMSDEN HALL SCHOOL




One morning Fred Foppy, a boy in Dormitory two heard the bell ring at 7.00am because it was time to get up but he refused, but ten minutes later, at 7.10am Mr. Big, the teacher burst in and yanked Fred Foppy out of bed.


"Hoy! shouted Fred Foppy to the teacher, you have no right to pull me out of bed."


"Look 'ere Fred Foppy, said the teacher,
"do as you're told my boy."


The furious teacher turned Fred Foppy upside down and whacked him.


"Now Master Foppy, I'm going to take you to the headmaster's office for defying the rule that you have to get up when the bell rings at 7.00am."


Still in his pyjamas Fred Foppy was marched  down to the headmaster's office and given six strokes of the cane.


"I never did anything, shouted Fred Foppy.
"Oh, shut up shouted Mr.Glue, the headmaster."


Soon afterwards Fred Foppy was pulled by the ear and marched upstairs where he got slung into a boiling hot shower.


Soon afterwards two of the school bullies, Smasher Tubbs and Billy Chairlegs burst into the shower room and threw Fred Foppy across the room, causing him to land headfirst onto the ceiling.


"Now Fred Foppy 'Bighead', do what the teacher tells you, if you don't you will get sent to Schoolstall."
"Let me go shouted Fred Foppy".
"Oh, lose your head shouted the two bullies."


Next, a teacher with no head came in and emptied a load of fish into Fred Foppy's head.
With fish swimming inside his head was now able to do what he was told.
If he threw his head away he would have been roasted.


Soon after he got showered and bullied Fred Foppy went down to Breakfast and had bacon and eggs with pins stuck inside them.
Every time he gorged the pins would run run up his face and attack his head.


After he got bullied by the breakfast pins Freddy Foppy went  mad and ran all over the dining room tables, putting his foot into everybody's breakfast.
The school leopard caught him and bit his trousers.
It then dragged him upstairs and threw him into the punishment room.
Once in the punishment room Fred Foppy was told to kiss the floor. If he refused he would be roasted on the fireplace or told to write a million lines.


Soon after he got punished Fred Foppy ( he had to remove his head) he got nabbed by the school bully Terry Flashman.
The big bully footballed Fred Foppy downstairs and threw him into the gymnasium, the ideal place for a school bully to beat up a boy, especially a new boy whose week was up.
That meant that he had been at school for a week.


In the gymnasium the big bully terry Flashman pinned Fred Foppy up against the wall and threw a car at him.


"Help! shouted Fred Foppy, get me out of  ere.
"If you don't stop your gob up Foppy face I'll stuff a brick down your throat."


So the big bully kept on bullying Fred Foppy until his head dropped off.
The bully then made off with Fred Foppy's  head and threw it into the dustbin, but,' all of a sudden the dustbin lid flew off and the head jumped out.
Terry Flashman saw the boy's head and chased after it as it flew around the courtyard, but the head belonging to Fred foppy was too quick for the bully to catch, and in an instant flew back onto Fred Foppy's body.


suddenly, the school teacher, Mr Imbert appeared and caught Fred foppy by the scruff of his neck and said:
"Now Master Foppy, you're late for lessons so you will come with me to the headmaster's office."


Fred Foppy got caned with a snake.


"Now Fred Foppy, if you're late once more i'll send you to schoolstall."


One day Fred Foppy pushed a tree into the swimming pool.
The headmster caught him and chained him up.
he then hired five bullies to do him in.
the bullies took off his arms, legs and head and threw them into a fish pond.
But Fred Foppy wasn't headarmlegless for long, for he grew a new body.
In fact, Fred Foppy  developed two heads, making him the first two - headed  boy in Ramsden Hall.
the boys, however didn't want a two - headed boy in their territory so they got hold of Fred Foppy and put him into a vice in the woodwork room.
This was to  be - two - head him.
In the end Fred Foppy got be - two - headed.


Now that Fred Foppy had no head he had to think with his chest.

THE YOGA GROUP




One day it was decided that people doing yoga must take their shoes, socks and even their feet off so that they could make the yoga easy. Another thing they were told that they must wear yoga pyjamas.
All this was organised by the yoga teacher Miss plaza Syndrome.

The first exercise was neck stretching.
You had to stretch your neck as high as possible until your head touched the ceiling.
The next exercise was the head extension.
You had to stretch your head as much as 12 feet across the room,
Then next of all,
You had to massage your heart.
All you had to do was to put your hand down your throat and into the chest cavity until you reached your heart, then you had to massage it. Once this was done you then withdrew your hand from the inside of your body until it came out of your mouth.
Because of the deadly germs you had to wash your hand in carbolic milk, delivered from a double ended bottle.
The next exercise was the cry baby.
You had to cry just like a baby for ten minutes.
The final exercise was the sky walk. For this you had to leave the building and jump up into the sky then walk up to the sun. Once this was done a bird then took you back down to Earth and,
Finally,
Back to the day centre.