Fitting in as an adult.

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Why is it so much harder for me to fit in as an adult with Aspergers compared to when I was a teenager with AS in social situations and just society in general.

I remember at school i was a lot more weird than I am today. As I matured I have cut out old habits that made odd but even despite me changing I still stand out very much social situations as being different. My Aspergers is bringed up quite a lot of times in social settings on nights at my local bar. Even with people who have just met me for the first time.

I try to fit in as best I can when I go out by dressing like other people but i don't think that's enough for me to appear 'Normal'.

When you were a teenager, things were structured for you. Now, you have to apply the structure yourself. That is harder.

You mentioned hanging out in a bar. That's a pretty free-form situation. Some are there just to relax a bit after work, others are hoping to pick up a date, still others are celebrating after a game, and so on.

You can fit in more comfortably if you work at it, but you do have to work at it. You can learn a lot in the way of social skills. But I don't think a bar is a great place to do it, as you might see a lot of WRONG social skills there. I recommend coffee shops, bookstores with a coffee section, hobbyist clubs (are you into gaming?) and places like that. And of course your workplace, if you have a job.

Wrong social skills?

You say you dress like others but that's not enough to make you appear normal - whatever that is. Well, news flash, if you're on the spectrum you're not normal! And it's not just a fashion issue!

I am struggling to connect with some humans these days after leaving a 32 year bad marriage. Starting over - sort of reaching out - and it's horrible. I am attempting to not be a hermit but it's not going so well. Like you, I simply don't fit in but you and I have to look at where we are trying to fit into.

Do you WANT to fit in with the bar crowd? Be a sports guy or an alcoholic or one of those types that frequent the bar? I'm not of that mindset so I absolutely don't fit into that environment.

I'm trying other groups - an AS group, an addiction support group (discovered I don't have any addictions so I'm basically too healthy to be there). None are interesting enough to make me want to come back and none feel right.

What I believe now (and this is a new revelation) is that I need to find an Obsession Group. I need to seek out a small few people who love the same things I love - my special interests - and share that with them.

The most successful people that we (AS) can be around, I believe, are people who are passionate in our special interest areas. That engages us, excites us, and who cares about what someone is wearing if they love and own that new thing that you're passionate about discussing and sharing? Or if they live to run or if they can rattle off every movie just like you can or if they live to track airplane flights or whatever it is.

I think that's the key.

Like lame pick-up lines, boastfulness, getting overly drunk, getting in a fight. Not all pubs are like that, but some are. Where people convene to imbibe, there can be some pretty bad behavior.

Very good point, Bea.
I made the mistake of diving into pubs and clubs when I first became an adult, and realise now that it was a terrible environment to learn social cues. Doubly so if you join in with the drinking. Studying other people's behaviour will not be made any easier by the brain fog of intoxication. Alcohol also reduces inhibitions, so if you get drunk, you may find that your autistic traits become more noticeable to the people around you, which is probably not what you need if you are trying to "fit in".

I'm not trying to say that all autistic people should be tee-total; that's a very personal choice, and many autistic people, me included, do drink alcohol and enjoy it - but be realistic about what you want to get out of a social situation, and remain aware of what effect alcohol might have on your ability to interact effectively. Whatever you choose, don't do it simply due to peer pressure - people who try to cajole you into drinking when you don't want to are no better than any other kind of drug pusher!

This. As much as I hated high school, one of the things I miss about it is that it was a relatively easy place to find and meet new friends, since you're all stuck in the same building most of the day. During my second last year in particular, I had two spare blocks out of four, so this meant a lot of time to just hang around, go uptown, surf the web... ostensibly I was SUPPOSED to use this time to do my homework and catch up on my classes, but I denounced most of the assignments I was given as mere busywork since most of it wasn't even for marks.

Unfortunately, after that school year, I moved to a new town, started going to a school I didn't particularly care for, since it was a combined Jr/Sr high school, and between that, the tensions I was having with my stepmother and her family, and the idiotic decision I made during the summer to go off my citalopram... I had a mental breakdown and I pretty much became incapable of functioning in a high school environment. I DID attempt to do some correspondence courses, and I had a pretty good relationship with my off-campus teacher, but I never finished those courses, aside from one I did on workplace safety.

After being stuck in that hellhole for about two years, I decided to move back to my hometown, move in with a friend's family, and pursue employment. That went smoothly for the first while until I had an incident with a customer, and then things kinda spiraled out of control and I ended up once again becoming incapable of functioning in public. Even after moving to another town to be closer to my dad again, and attempting to attend high school upgrading at a local community college, I still haven't been able to fully recover and get it together. I've been on disability for a little over a year now, and it kinda sucks scraping by the way I do.

I think this could have all been prevented had I had the chance to stay at my old high school for another year.

HI, I'm with Earthmom.
Best to find others with similar interests to yourself. I'm nearly 60 now and I tried drinking to fit in when I left school and ended up an alcoholic, so honestly don't go too far down that route. I didn't get a single long term friend out of it, just "drinking buddies" at best. They all disappeared when I stopped drinking. In fact a lot of them disappeared before that.
I've never had much luck making friends - usual story I suppose - but the older I get the less I care and the less it hurts. Aspergers does seem to get a little easier as you age. I too am less strange than I was at say age 20. I've never sought out friends who have my own interests though, I think I always made the mistake of trying to fit it by adopting other peoples' interests. When I was a drunk I doubt if I even knew what my interests were, beyond drink, I've had to "relearn" I suppose. So I truly believe that just being yourself is good and that if you can do that with others with similar passions you've hit the jackpot. It's taken me an awfully long time to learn this and drink will not help you. I still have plenty of problems trying to cope with people, they bewilder me and I suppose they always will. I do the same things as people at work and get into trouble for it: they don't!
Sorry if I've gone on too much about booze.
By the way, if anyone knows where we left the spaceship please let me know: I want to go home now.

So what you saying that my behaviour is very abnormal and I don't even realise it??????

This is a very wise message and one everyone can learn from. I can vouch for the 'friends' who disappear when you change (improve) yourself. We need to be careful who we interact with, who we spend time with.

I'm struggling with this Captcha thing - I type a reply, it says do this do that, click the I'm not a robot, click how many pictures have trees.... then says Okay but I go look and my reply is missing. Like it accepts that I'm not a robot and then deletes my reply?

Anybody else?

Well yeah - if you're AS then you are definitely not 'normal' or not NT (that's just logic)

If you're in a room of only AS people you could be considered 'normal'. But I doubt you've lucked onto the only Totally Aspie Bar.

You don't even know me. I have friends with autism who behave like normal people. So you have no idea what your talking about.

No, I don't know you. YOU are the one who said you're not successful as passing yourself off as "normal". I'm taking your own word for it.

And I'm telling you to stop trying to be taken as "normal" - that's such an ambiguous term anyway. Be yourself. Some people will not like you and some people will like you, quirks and all. Everybody has oddities about them, even "normal" people.

The worst time of my life was when I was in my twenties.

I just couldn't get on. Of course I hadn't been diagnose at that time so I didn't know what the hell was wrong.

I'd get into fights, get fired from jobs, I'd get arrested and really it was all because I just couldn't fit in.

I truly believed that everyone was my enemy.

I wouldn't want to go back there, that's for sure.

I don't really fit in now but at least these days I know who I am.

I am 26 and feel same as you