Finding the "real you" after noting unaware masking

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I'm assuming that others diagnosed late in life have experienced the doubt about who, exactly, you really are, after realizing that you have been masking for your whole adult life.

Is this "just" a matter of noticing how you act and think when alone for a sufficient amount of time? Because if that's the "real me", I'm both pretty boring and pretty weird. I'm not certain that I have any desire to "share" that with anyone.

So, then, a modified version of the real you seems to be in order, adjusted depending on the audience, as has always been the case, except with a greater awareness of when and how one is doing so, and hopefully, gradually, an awareness of where the fine line is between authenticity and being on the receiving end of open or concealed condemnation.

Darron

There was an old Youtube video of a guy saying that he would probably never marry because to do so he would have to "mask" at home as well as work and that would be too taxing for him.

Reader's Digest used to have a section called "Interesting Character' about someone the writer knew who was unconventional. However, since WWII and the industrialization of education and the imprint of Hollywood and TV, most people have come to have such a narrow view of what is "normal" that one can feel pressure not to step "out of bounds" and thus "mask".

It can be encouraging to see that there are still some areas on the fringe where the excessive masking of "normal" life is not required. For example, churches or special interest groups like bowlers, stamp collectors, bird watchers, etc. often accommodate a broader filter for what is considered normal.

It takes a little more effort, but those on the fringe can be found and one can relax and be oneself.

I felt confused about who I really was not just around the diagnosis time but at least since high school. After my (unofficial but professional) diagnosis, various bits of information about myself finally started to form some coherent bigger picture. Now I'm more openly nerdy because I noticed people are more ready to forgive me a random faux pas when I look like a stereotypical nerd than when I was trying to look and behave "normal".

You're yourself not only when you're alone but generally when your actions are driven by you not by what you think others expect of you. Exploring this has been quite an adventure for me

I already know who I'm without any social masking.

Instead I'm digging somewhere way deeper.
One on the realms of human traumas, related to intergenerational traumas.


I want to know who I'm before whoever were my caretakers or what my parents did to make me distrust them so much...
And whenever that was, it was probably long before I could remember anything. I won't be surprised if it's a moment from my infancy.

That would be... Very tricky or very difficult.

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I always say that I have "public mode" where I feel like I can't talk or make eye contact and stuff like that. It almost feels like a separate person sometimes because it's completely automatic and I have no way to break out of it. I feel like if I was masking and aware of it, I would realize that the other person wasn't the real me. But now I'm stuck wondering which one is me, and it seems like that other one isn't me, but who knows, because I never do it on purpose and have no control over it.
Recently I think the "masking persona" has developed, or original Public Mode got an upgrade, because the new reaction is to laugh and talk a lot in public. But I think the original is still there, she just hasn't come out in the longest time. I've tried to explain this to other people, but they don't understand and think I can control it.
I can't, it's automatic and that makes me question which one is actually me. People who know me tell me I'm very contradictory, that's all they can think of for my personality.

I have one good memory that has no time context, then the shutdowns become the majority of my early memories. I've a NT friend that told me years ago his first memory was his brother looking over the crib at him as an infant.I explored this early memory with the friend and it turns out his dad took a photo of the brother looking over the crib. This photo was always visible at his house. He feels he remembers the flash every time he sees the photo.

For my self-diagnosis, I'm going to "interview" my mother and make a timeline of my memories. I'm hoping to bring out some more good memories and add a time context to my earliest one.

I've been addressing this question privately to myself lately and have come to realize I have no idea who I am. And I have no confidence that anyone would like me, whatever it is that I figure out.

Growing up and as a young adult, I had a different persona for each person I related to, and these were contradictory. I would muse that if I ever got all my friends (really acquaintances) in one place, I would be split in as many different directions. This would be, probably childhood through 30s.

The only place I have even an inkling that I could explore who or what I am, is when traveling alone in read wilderness for long periods of time.

I know that my tolerance for other people's behavior that is difficult or rude or demanding, has dropped significantly. So, I would say I am rejecting social or work relationships that are draining on me. (Gotta hang on to my spoons! )

“Masking” could be said to be an aspect of the “real you.”

In my mind, the “real me” changes over time.

am thinking alot of unmasking has to come from inside you. Maybe when your not trying to consider other peoples opinions .. Might be a good to ecplore , what a authentic 'you' might be
Have accidentally found, i like gardening but lived with idea maybe i had a black thumb.
Judging by the house plants i had when i was trying to learn to be on my own. But i did keep a creeping Charlie plant alive for almost a year , i think . But i think outside perennial flowers like me. Have some hardy ones but this is the first am getting abit older to be taking care of them.
btw i like the idea of hanging onto spoons ....As far as people went , friends ? Would try not yo deal with them more than one at a time if i could manage it . It was a drsining experience aswell
if i tried to have to deal with more than one person.

Sounds like a very astute assessment GagetGuru.

All I’m saying is that the “real you” could evolve (or devolve) over time. What my “search” would have revealed 20 years ago is very different from what would be revealed in the present.

But yes, there are aspects of yourself that remain steady over the course of your life.

I think I remember as a kid. Going to school and stuff. I'd be conscious to put on my 'Outside persona.' Leaving the 'Inside' of the house. I just thought it normal to act one way with strangers, and one way with family. Whether that qualifies as early masking, I dont know. I was told, everybody does that.

As a adult. Distinctions are kinda blurry. I am who I am. (Did i just quote popeye?) But of course to the public, what they see is an enigma, or the tip of the iceberg.

It’s “I yam what I yam.”

I’m like Popeye, too. Maybe even as crude as him sometimes.

I agree with the I am what I am theory. I fit my username nicely for better or worse. Sometimes, I post things in Random Discussion that would open a lot of eyes in the real world. The thing about tarts for example. My avatar also goes very nicely with my attitude. A working class band for a working class rebel who's obsessed with London. Just imagine what Cockney Rebel would look like as an Austin Powers character. On the other hand, I'll just leave it to the imagination.