Learning to drive dilemma?

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Hello everyone,

I really wanted to talk about something which has made me view myself very negatively, and makes me feel inferior to others around my age. This is the experience of learning to drive and how to drive safely. I'm diagnosed with high functioning autism and tried learning to drive twice but gave up because of overwhelming anxiety and OCD issues, and multitasking challenges involved with controlling a car and at the same time be concerned with safety on the road.

I'm 20 and live in quite a rural town (in England) and everyone seems to have cars. I stopped learning to drive a few months ago, because what I experienced was hell and gave me very low self esteem. I told my instructor about my autism and that it may affect my driving, and he was a really nice guy and it wasn't him that was the problem. I had over a dozen lessons and was slowly progressing, but the more I went through it towards my last lessons I was a human waterfall.. Waiting in traffic was a nightmare (not in the way NT's would describe it) but I felt utterly convinced I would cause an incident when I was behind the wheel even with him by my side. My anxiety got the better of me which affected my concentration and judgment and he had to take the wheel every lesson. Not only did I find the multitasking of car controls and watching for hazards ahead, I find being instructed to do so many things at once consecutively by my instructor and talking to him at the same time very overwhelming, as I struggle the way I perceive communication. I also really struggle with uncertainty and religious to routine, so obviously the road is different each time.

So I've stopped because I felt I was in my own world most the time and think I'm doing me and everyone else a favour not being on the road. But of course this has taken its toll on me. My dad says I'm gonna really struggle getting to places or jobs as I don't drive. And at some point I want to be in a relationship and get a big impression its expected of a man to drive his woman to places and I see that especially with my friends. I feel like a utter failure and miles behind everyone else, and view people who are able to drive cars superhuman. But I see them more as machines that can kill you instead of a means of transport. My CBT therapist said its all practice and driving is stressful for everybody, but they might not have OCD or multitasking difficulty.

I would appreciate if anyone would give me advice on whether to continue with driving despite the anxiety I experienced, or shelve it for later. I'm viewing myself very negatively because of this though. Anyone else who's had a similar experience I would be interested to hear so I don't feel so isolated with this.

Thanks for any help.

Did you try to learn in a manual or automatic. An automatic may reduce some of the things you need to think about.

Also you could see if there's a learn to drive sort of thing but not on the road, like in a car park or race course kind of thing, with a driving school. So you could get decent at driving not on the road so then when you do go on the road you already have quite a lot of the basic skil, so it may be less stressful?

It was a manual. Pretty much everyone said for me to learn that transmission as you can't drive someone else's manual car if you pass in a automatic or saying a manual is cheaper to run. But I found the gears affecting my concentration so I could think about it.
A car course not on a main road sounds good. I'll think about it

You do not need to *learn* on a manual transmission. Take it easy on yourself. Start with an automatic and focus on getting used to the actual driving and traffic. Later on, if you are able, try a manual then. In the US, very few people even own manual transmission cars anymore so the chances of having to drive someone else's very low.

Have you tried driving in a large empty parking lot to just get used to the car itself? There are many things you can do to learn to drive before heading out into traffic. Also, try going in baby steps. Try practicing at very light traffic times so you can get used to the road and traffic lights and such without having to worry so much about other drivers.

Maybe paid driving lessons are not where it's at just yet, since they are probably during the daytime and at busy times. Is there someone else who can help you learn to drive at other times? I don't know what the rules are where you live.

I am 36 and i do not have a driving license.

I learned to drive with a friend, i quickly learned but i am so much in my thoughts sometimes that i am know i am likely to cause an accident on day, if i drive a car. So i decided to stop driving, it is better for me and for others. I think it is a reasonable decision I made.

Also,
- I spare money, a car is expensive.
(how many gifts can you make with the money you save, to your wife or to others?)
- I am biking and walking a lot, it is healthy.
- I sometimes take public transports for long distances or rarely a taxi when i really need it. I meet people in the train, or read, much more interesting than being stuck in the traffic jams and look for a parking place every day!
- It is ecological.

If i was not absent-minded and they would even give me a driving license, i would say "no thank you"!
(even if my parents are also mixing "being an adult" and "driving a car", sociological side effects...)

On the other hand, if YOU really want your driving license, you can, i know a woman who was trying every year for 10 years, she finally got it at the age of 40. (she was not autistic, not stupid, not absent-minded) Good luck!

Last edited by LaetiBlabla on 24 Feb 2016, 12:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hi LimboMan,

You're not alone - the way you describe your driving lessons sounds very similar to how I felt when I had lessons in my late teens. I had a very patient instructor too, but like you, I lacked the multi-tasking and situational awareness to ever feel safe doing it, and stopped my lessons long before I could have taken the test. I didn't know I was autistic at that time, but I realised very quickly how dangerous my lapses of concentration and sensory distortions might be - I just couldn't process the information that my senses receive fast enough, it seemed.

I also understand your fears about how being unable to drive might affect the opportunities available to you later in life. I've lived all of my adult life without my own transport, and I am not going to lie to you, there are times of intense frustration when, for example, I see what looks like an ideal job for me made impossible by the impracticality of the commute. The last job I had involved me walking six miles a day, after a colleague left who used to give me a lift. And that was just to get to the most expedient bus-stop to catch a bus for the rest of the journey!

However, that doesn't mean you should feel bad about yourself. Firstly, from a moral point of view, you deserve credit for your conscientious approach to the problem You are objectively assessing the situation, and asking for advice, so that you can weight up whether any danger to society is worth the personal benefits to you, which is very commendable.

Secondly, remember that there are a wide variety of other conditions that can affect one's ability to drive. I know a few other people in the same situation, but for reasons such as deteriorating vision, motor control issues or epilepsy. If somebody I don't know comments on my lack of a driving license, I simply tell them that I have a non-specific "medical condition" that I'd rather not talk about in public. I have always found the other person to be satisfied with this explanation, as people generally respect that ones medical history is usually only shared with close family and friends.

Also, although not having a car can add a little extra stress to life sometimes, consider how much stress you would have to endure if you ended up in a situation where driving was no longer optional, and you had to do it every day. I've known quite a few people who did get their licence, but then never used it, as their own doubts about their competence caused them too much anxiety. And I do admit to feeling a little smug when I hear my friends talk about their car troubles, and all the financial juggling they have to do to stay on the road - it sounds like a source of stress that I'm glad I don't have!

On a practical level, a lot depends on how good your local transport system is. Around here, it is going from bad to worse, unfortunately. However, there are practical workarounds for some the limitation of not having a car. For example, most large supermarkets nowadays have on-line delivery services for groceries, which I'm just experimenting with at the moment. It's cheaper than getting the bus, I don't have to put up with the sensory overload of the store, and having e-mail records of my shopping lists makes some of my executive function deficits easier to manage.

Now that I know about my autism, I feel in retrospect that I made the right decision - to accept that the potential risks were not worth the potential gains, and that the downsides are worth it for my peace of mind.

In some rural towns driving is a necessity because there is no public transport--or the available transport is too unreliable.

You might consider the possibility of eventually moving to someplace more suitable for someone who can't drive.

I moved thousands of miles to get job that best met my particular skill set.

Since we are only a few years away from google self driving cars being on the market, it doesn't make that much sense for you to go through that much trouble to learn to drive now.

You do realise that 12 lessons is hardly anything. I took probably about 100 hours of driving before I passed.lol
The average amount of driving experience before you pass your test is 67 hours! (see below)

short version
Long version

I wouldn't worry too much you just need more practice.

Here a few of the things I struggled with:

I couldn't change gear without looking at the gear stick.

I would rush to change gear as quickly as possible, and it would be rather jerky

Hillstarts , jesus christ!

roundabouts were a nightmare

I once got my foot stuck under the clutch pedal (my driving instructor said that's the first time anyone has ever done that, and he'd been teaching for about 20 year. haha)

The driving instructor has controls for a reason, he had to use them plenty times with me, he also grabbed the wheel as well. The instructor is there to keep you safe.

Once you can control the car without thinking about it (muscle memory), it becomes much less stressful. I would maybe suggest that you rent a dual control car for a couple of days. Just practice driving around, on easy roads, keep the obstacles to a minimum (roundabouts and traffic lights) I guess that won't be a problem as you rural.

You can also just practice pulling away from a standstill - this can be done in an empty car park or quiet road. This will help with your clutch control.

Don't practice maneuvers with your parents, this must be taught by your instructor.

If I can pass, anyone can pass.

Good luck!

Hey Limbo.

I got my drivers license at 17. I was terrified to learn to drive. I had no desire to even though my parents kept telling me I should get my permit. They basically forced me to once I was 17 and they didn't have to pay for drivers ed. From the moment I got my permit, my father started making me drive. At first, on back roads near my house (we lived in a very rural area). It took me months to stop shaking, and I had to drive multiple times per week. (My father was very forceful). I memorized all of the driving rules, which didn't matter since you don't have to worry just about YOUR driving, but the other people. Over the next year, my father continued to make me drive. Once I became the least comfortable, he would push my boundaries again. I made the mistake of saying I never wanted to drive one particular road, known for bad drivers, traffic, accidents, etc., not to mention hills with a 'view' (meaning a drop off, which has always terrified me). We went skiing, and he made me drive, just that stretch of the highway. I hated it.

However, while I don't approve of how forceful he was, it did help.

I also started with a manual, and, to this day, I feel much more in control in a manual transmission. If you can, practice turning the car on, putting the car in gear, and pulling forward just a couple feet, then stopping, and turning the car off. Do that over and over and over again (on a flat road). THEN start to do it on a gentle incline where there are no cars. OH! And with the car off, practice the gear pattern. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, R and over again. Slide the gear shift from left to right so you know what if feels like moving in neutral.

Now a year of driving practice may not seem excessive to you, but my husband got his permit at 16, and his license at 17, and needed no practice. He started with driving his father 3 states away while his dad slept, through traffic, and over bridges.

As for being in your own world, my parents bought me a card that said "DON'T read all the street signs!!" (because I would get distracted too easily).

I say try to keep going. Practice slowly. Once you get comfortable, push your limits. Just a little. Driving is immensely freeing, and can give you a great sense of independence. You don't have to rely on anyone to go somewhere. But take your time with it. It is better that you do things in YOUR own time.

And save the hill starts until you are consistently starting smoothly without anxiety. Seriously. I still can't 'go' on a hill without anxiety. I've been driving for 15 years.

Unfortunately the OP lives in the UK, where manual transmissions are the norm. Almost nobody drives an automatic over there, and if you take your test in one, you have a "restricted license" which, as he said, prevents you from driving a manual at all unless you re-take your test in one. The driving test is also much harder in the UK than it is in the US; my test took literally twelve minutes (I counted) down about 100 feet of main road with a right turn at one stop light, at which point I turned into a neighbourhood and dinked around a few back alley streets and stopped at three or four stop signs. It was a joke really. My mom told me that when she took her driving test in England (where she grew up and I was born), it took two hours, and they went over everything; parallel parking, roundabouts (those are big over there), three-point turns, everything. My grandmother literally failed the test eight times before she finally passed.

I do drive a manual, thanks to my dad (also British) who was adamant that I learn how. I didn't get my license until I was 21 though, because driving was terrifying. I had an obnoxious driving instructor (ex-military and ex-police, if that gives you any idea) who kept telling me, "You're eighteen, you've had this permit for three years, you should be able to do this!" which really made me want to punch his face in. Just because I'd had the permit for three years, didn't mean I'd been driving that long. He was a tool, and I think he actually delayed my progress. Finally, after I got sick of taking the bus for upwards of three hours a day (and with my parents pushing me because they didn't want me to feel weird because my sixteen-year-old sister was preparing for her test), I bit the bullet and did it. It took a lot of work, but I'm actually pretty comfortable driving now, although I still hate major cities, and avoid them at all costs.

My test for NJ was pretty thorough. I was tested on everything you mentioned, including 'roundabouts' (we call them circles here- and NOONE can do them right except a Jersey shore native), but it was on a closed course, so it was not two hours, more like 30-40. (I was good though.)

I did not have a natural feel for the car when I started out. And yes, they are machines that can kill you. Something to be mindful of, but not anxious about. Cars hit pedestrians too. If your OCD is getting the better of you that's a big problem because when driving your concentration must be on the safe operation of the vehicle.
Otherwise, I recommend getting someone you feel comfortable with to let you drive while they supervise. I never did find a driving instructor I felt comfortable with. My first "partner" taught me to drive. But he didn't even try...just sitting next to him while he drove gave me what I needed - a feel for the car. When you're driving you are part of a machine. You have to interact with it constantly. He was wild. Used to spin out the car in the snow, just for fun.
Good luck with the manual but I recommend practicing with an automatic first. You don't have to jump in the deep end.

Driving tests aren't quite that difficult and they used to be easier in the past. They take about 40 minutes. You drive around a bit, do independent driving where you have to follow signs for somewhere takes about 2 minutes, you do either a reverse into a parking space, parallel park, 3 point turn or reverse round a corner and usually an emergency stop. It's not overly difficult.

I want to second the mention of "muscle memory." By practicing over and over and over, certain actions become automatic. What this means is, you don't have to devote a lot of concentration to driving, once you reach that stage. I recommend you practice often on an automatic car, and going when and where there is very little traffic to start off with.

I had a different reason for not getting my license when most people did. When I was a kid, a teenager in our neighborhood accidentally hit and killed a toddler who ran out into busy traffic. I was just horrified at the thought that I might do something like that. But eventually I wanted a license and so I learned at that point. (Also, I needed an ID so I could go out drinking.)

It might turn out to be the case that you will never be able to drive, but my opinion is you should keep trying. It does open a lot of opportunities for you. If you can have a family member go out on practice runs with you, rather than a paid instructor, it will be both more economical, and also you may have more influence on the type of practicing you wish to do. Good luck!