How to ask "What did I do wrong?"

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When I get scolded by my parents for doing something wrong, I often don't understand what exactly did I do wrong, and why. I want to know "what did I do wrong" so I will not repeat the exact same mistake again, and I want to know "why is it wrong" so I will not make a similar mistake again. However, immediately asking apparently makes my parents angry. And if I ask later, I or my parents will often have already forgotten the details of the incident, and my parents would say that I was beating the dead horse.

So when should I ask this question? Additionally, I often use the wrong wording in sentences, so how should I word my question?

Thank you.

I would advise you to ask this question when you're not in the heat of the situation.

Perhaps a few minutes or an hour after your parents scold you, you could go up to them, and say that you don't understand what you did wrong, and want to correct whatever you've done wrong. Say it in a calm voice.

Tell them that you want to grow up, and to improve as a person.

Your parents most likely don't enjoy scolding you any more than you like getting into trouble. So, try not to think of it as a confrontation between you and your parents - it's all three of you in it together trying to make life more harmonious for the whole family . Avoiding these situations in the first place is the ultimate goal for both you and your parents. Rather than address it as only a problem for you, emphasise that when the rules are more clear to you, everyone in the family is a winner!

Having a more general discussion about living together as a family also comes across as less "flogging a dead horse" - in fact, as Kraftie says, it is a very mature approach to take. You don't need to mention any specific incident at all - you're just explaining the general principle of why you need clearer rules - and that principle will benefit you all in a wide variety of situations, including ones that you can't foresee yet.

Last edited by Trogluddite on 23 Feb 2016, 12:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

On the other hand do you think your parents may have gotten too comfortable scolding you?

It seems like they get angry because they feel like you should know why something is wrong, they refuse to explain this to you,

maybe because they just can't handle the fact that you don't know something that they consider obvious?

This sounds like what happens between me and my parents– I just get extremely frustrated when they expect me to know what I did wrong and they get angry when I ask because they think it's backchat, when about 80% of the time, I don't know what I actually did.

Some people seem to think that when you ask that question it means you are getting defensive so that might be how your parents take it.

Yes.

People make assumptions about what you understand, and what your motivations are.

Your parents may believe that you must know what you did wrong, or that you are capable of figuring it out by yourself if most other people of similar age/intelligence would know what they did wrong, or could figure it out for themselves. That you really don't understand and won't be able to figure it out by yourself may be something that doesn't even occur to them.

If they assume that you already know what you did wrong, then:

They could be interpreting your question as a rhetorical statement.....meaning your parents may think that when you ask, "What did I do wrong?" you are intending to communicate something like "I believe I did nothing at all wrong, and I challenge you to prove otherwise/I want you to explicitly state your perspective so I can show you how wrong it is by arguing."

Or, they may be interpreting your question as manipulation ..... meaning your parents may think that you are pretending to not understand. (I don't know why they would think that/what purpose it serves to pretend to not understand, but my dad has thought this about me when I asked for explanations that he didn't believe I needed...got really angry and said things like, "don't play stupid".)

If your parents don't assume that you already know what you did wrong, but do assume that you can figure it out on your own, they may just be too upset with you at that moment to bother with explaining.

It's also possible they don't know how to explain.



I don't know when it would be best to ask because I don't know your family.

I would try to have a conversation with them (not after a fight or being scolded, just a random conversation) about how, when you ask what you've done wrong, you're not trying to argue with them or make a statement -- you are genuinely lacking knowledge and need help to understand. Maybe you could ask your parents during that conversation when would be the best time to ask them for an explanation, and what words/phrasing would help them to see that you're really just asking a question and not manipulating or arguing.

My parents' standard answer was to tell me to go ponder the question calmly till I worked out what I'd done wrong and why. If I insisted on getting some info from them, they got really mad and complained that I was subjecting them to violence by staying there, as my presence hurt and offended them.

You have weird parents, Spiderpig.

Have you been diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)? or are you a self diagnosed?
If you are self diagnosed are you parents aware that you think you might have an ASD?

Either way though, maybe you could give them a parents guide to living with someone with autism book. Then after they have read it you could explain what aspects of autism affect you.

Maybe some people here could recommend some books. (or just buy the one with the best reviews on amazon, that's what i normally do.lol)

Sometimes my father end up saying something like "Don't argue with me." I used to assume it meant "Don't say anything that contradicts me," but I recently learned that it actually meant "Don't interrupt me when I'm talking." I'm still trying to fix that.

Sometimes, when I try to explain what I didn't understand, my father would say something along the lines of "Don't give me lame excuses" or "Don't insist that you did nothing wrong" or "Don't try to blame others" and become angry. I then try to explain that "I know I did something wrong, but I don't know what was wrong or why was it wrong," which doesn't make the situation better. Do you have any idea what I might have done to anger him?

A doctor has diagnosed me to have Asperger's Syndrome.

It's strange that your dad would get so angry when you would try to explain something to him. He might think that you are getting defensive when you are trying to explain yourself. I just notice that a lot of people seem uncomfortable or annoyed when you try to explain yourself or ask a question and would sometimes get defensive themselves. Maybe next time you can clarify that you're not trying to argue and that you're just trying to explain what you didn't understand.

My dad sometimes seems to think that I'm arguing with him too if I try to explain something to him or ask him a question. I usually keep my distance from him when he gets this way. When I lived with him I would stay in my room.

I'm not sure. But it sounds like he might be unwilling to consider that you actually have any trouble understanding what you've done wrong and because of this is misinterpreting the things you say. If this is the case then the communication difficulties and your dad's anger over your attempts to ask questions and explain yourself are not entirely (maybe not even partly) the result of anything you've done -- you don't control what your dad thinks and believes, or whether or not he is willing to listen to you.

Do you have a doctor/therapist who could help you talk to your parents? Or talk to your parents on your behalf? Sometimes parents are more willing to listen to a professional.

I agree with other posters who've suggested that giving your parents books about ASD could be helpful -- as long as they are actually willing to read them.

When people want you to shut up and accept they're right and you're in the wrong, anything else is "arguing" and "lame excuses". The last thing they'd care about is whether your reply is reasonable or you can actually learn what you did wrong---it's easier and less tiring to assume you're just being stubborn and treat you accordingly, so that's what they do. And they have every right to do it after all.

Do you have a therapist or anything? Maybe you could explain the situation to your therapist and the therapist could teach your parents how to stop being dysfunctional jerks.