(This got quite long so I have a TL;DR at the end to summarize.)
I was never diagnosed with any disorders. I learn quickly, consider myself intelligent and get good grades—as I just graduated high school last June and will be heading to an engineering undergrad in the fall.
However, through a series of events occurring over the past few years of my life, I developed a great interest in the autistic people in my workplace and my high school, which evolved to my current suspicion that I myself may be on the autism spectrum. I took an online quiz (lol) and my result was 'Autism likely'.
A big turning point for me was when I learned about stimming. Whenever I am in a stressful situation, I will rock back and forth or play with my fingers. I sucked my thumb until I was 13 years old. When I was a baby, I was given a shell pattern crochet blanket as a present. I named it 'Blankie' and referred to it with she/her pronouns. I slept with 'her' in my bed every night. I'm not sure how to describe it but I would 'play' with Blankie constantly, twisting my fingers through the crochet holes and generally enjoying the feel of the fabric moving against my hand. It fell apart a couple years ago (I am turning 19 in a few months), and my mother crocheted me a new one in an attempt to get me to throw it out, but I didn't until sometime last year when I was having a bad day and my dog peed on it, so I tossed Blankie on an impulse. Even though I have a nice, new blanket, I have regretted throwing the old one out a couple times since. I still 'play' with New Blankie all the time, in what I suspect might be a stim. Some specific examples include the time I gave my spiritual testimony to a group of peers at Christian summer camp, when I planted one foot on the music stand that held my notes and rocked back and forth while I read it, and the time my mother caught me in a lie, I couldn't stop playing with blankie while she talked to me about it. It was like an involuntary response. I had to do something with my hands.
Relationship-wise, I often lack empathy for friends and family, but also experience hyperempathy, for people like the starving children in Africa, or homeless people. The hardest thing for me to do is make friends. In the past, I have become friends with the other girls in my class because no one else would to talk to us, but I do next to nothing to develop our friendship, and generally am a 'bad friend'. As I've gotten older, I've become more aware of how friendships develop and so I try my best to make people like me, but it's not easy or simple or natural. Casual conversation is not natural for me at all. I often struggle to think of responses when people talk to me. My mother has told me I seem 'snobby' when I don't answer people, but in reality, if I could say anything coherent at all I would, but my brain is completely devoid of ideas. I fall into patterns of responses, like saying 'There you go,' when people say something funny/satirical, or 'Aw muffin,' when people express sorrow. I've always enjoyed giving and receiving physical touch, like back rubs and hugs. As a baby, if someone held me, I am told would I stroke their arm.
I know routine is a big indicator of autism. I am terrible at forming habits and don't have a day-to-day routine at all, but last-minute changes do bother me to some degree, and during school I try to shower on a schedule, with my hairdo dependant on if I showered or not. Disrupting this schedule bothers me. I operate well when I keep a list of tasks, and remember lists well when I associate a keyword with the number of items in its list. For example, at work, I have 5+2 things to do when I have to do 'pre-close' in the kitchen. I always wash dishes in the same order—smaller items like tongs and sauce bottles go first, food trays go last, and everything else goes in the middle.
If I do have autism, I am very high functioning as I was never diagnosed, but it would help me understand myself and my brain better if I was diagnosed. Lately I've had a lot of free time to think about who I am and how my brain works, and I relate quite well to some autistic people's experiences. If any of you think I might have autism or know that I don't, let me know.
TL;DR
I am an adult and have never been diagnosed with autism or any learning disabilities, however I demonstrate some symptoms of autism including:
-stimming
-social inadequacies and difficulties in casual communication
-some degree of a need for routine
-lack of empathy and hyperempathy
I may seek out a professional diagnosis, but in the meantime, let me know what you think!
31 Mar 2016, 6:48 pm
