Don't feel like I am *like* other autistic people
09 Nov 2016, 9:46 am
"It is quite ironic that what you regard as one of your greatest achievements, your adaptive skills, became your greatest impediment and barrier to being diagnosed and getting the help you so desperately needed. You simply became too convincing behind your persona of normality for the depth of struggle and heartbreak to reveal itself. It seemed that for every humiliation you received as a child, your mask of so called normality became ever more fused to your being. However, what once served to protect you from abuse and humiliation, was now constricting and crushing."
You stated that really eloquently, and it meshes with so much of my own experiences growing up. I think a lot of adults who were diagnosed later in life (and who had painful childhoods and early adulthood), can probably relate to that concept. I didn't know I was autistic, and so I learned to cultivate that mask of apparent normalcy. Except the mask doesn't fit well. It's got cracks throughout and is never who I really was.
_________________
Formally diagnosed with ASD at the age of 43 (2014), I am the author of "Never One of Them: Growing Up With Autism," available through Amazon and most popular ebook sites.
My Official Facebook Page
09 Nov 2016, 11:58 am
I'm not sure if it's okay for me to reply to this post as I'm not officially diagnosed, but I strongly believe I'm at the higher functioning end of the spectrum.
I originally joined this site back in 2012, but ended up doubting I could be on the spectrum until very recently. Even now I question myself and I haven't even been diagnosed, but so many traits and signs make me feel that it's impossible for me to not be on the spectrum, so I honestly believe I'm an aspie. I relate better to autistic people than allistic people, but I often still feel very different from most autistic people, as well.
My main autistic traits are: special interests/obsessions, perseveration (thoughts, topics, trouble with transitions/change), stimming, awkward posture and movement, poor coordination, mild sensory issues, hyper-focusing, trouble expressing empathy in RL conversations, delayed reaction times in social situations, social exhaustion, often poor eye contact, my ability to socialise feels intellectual and rule based rather than instinctual, I believe I experience informational overload, mild meltdowns/shutdowns, poor emotional regulation, delayed maturity(coping mechanisms of a small child), mild language processing issues (I seem to process homonyms slower than others), detail-based thinking and often trouble with the big picture, impaired executive functioning, attention issues, traits of NVLD.
But I often still feel like I'm not aspie enough because I don't like maths, can't memorise strings of numbers without effort (I'm language oriented), and because I can understand facial expressions, sarcasm, etc and can appear quite 'normal' under the right circumstances. For example, I make more eye contact when talking about something that interests me and I seem to be able to don a mask when I need to look more 'normal'.
Also I think my family have very stereotypical ideas of what autism looks like, so the mere fact that I can be so verbally long-winded, and can smile etc, and the fact that I'm probably of average IQ and not a mathematical genius, means, to them, I'm perfectly allistic even when I'm rocking back and forth at times, or sitting quietly and not making eye contact during most gatherings, and even though I prefer to talk about the same few topics incessantly. I don't think any of them know what Aspergers is, and even they do, they probably believe there's no way it could apply to someone in our family.....
I honestly believe the fact I've gone undiagnosed is not only that my symptoms are relatively mild, but also because my family aren't observant, tend to not go to doctors, and I've been isolated and pretty much ignored for most of my life.
09 Nov 2016, 12:38 pm
I originally joined this site back in 2012, but ended up doubting I could be on the spectrum until very recently. Even now I question myself and I haven't even been diagnosed, but so many traits and signs make me feel that it's impossible for me to not be on the spectrum, so I honestly believe I'm an aspie. I relate better to autistic people than allistic people, but I often still feel very different from most autistic people, as well.
My main autistic traits are: special interests/obsessions, perseveration (thoughts, topics, trouble with transitions/change), stimming, awkward posture and movement, poor coordination, mild sensory issues, hyper-focusing, trouble expressing empathy in RL conversations, delayed reaction times in social situations, social exhaustion, often poor eye contact, my ability to socialise feels intellectual and rule based rather than instinctual, I believe I experience informational overload, mild meltdowns/shutdowns, poor emotional regulation, delayed maturity(coping mechanisms of a small child), mild language processing issues (I seem to process homonyms slower than others), detail-based thinking and often trouble with the big picture, impaired executive functioning, attention issues, traits of NVLD.
But I often still feel like I'm not aspie enough because I don't like maths, can't memorise strings of numbers without effort (I'm language oriented), and because I can understand facial expressions, sarcasm, etc and can appear quite 'normal' under the right circumstances. For example, I make more eye contact when talking about something that interests me and I seem to be able to don a mask when I need to look more 'normal'.
Also I think my family have very stereotypical ideas of what autism looks like, so the mere fact that I can be so verbally long-winded, and can smile etc, and the fact that I'm probably of average IQ and not a mathematical genius, means, to them, I'm perfectly allistic even when I'm rocking back and forth at times, or sitting quietly and not making eye contact during most gatherings, and even though I prefer to talk about the same few topics incessantly. I don't think any of them know what Aspergers is, and even they do, they probably believe there's no way it could apply to someone in our family.....
I honestly believe the fact I've gone undiagnosed is not only that my symptoms are relatively mild, but also because my family aren't observant, tend to not go to doctors, and I've been isolated and pretty much ignored for most of my life.
I share a lot of your traits, including an aptitude for verbal communication (although I'm stronger in writing than in-person discussion) and lack of advanced math skills or ability to keep a string of numbers in my head. I'm not qualified to diagnose you, of course, but many of the traits you describe are what led me to seek out a diagnosis on my own. If you think you're on the spectrum, there's a good chance that you are.
Your family may or may not accept your presumed ASD (my own mother is skeptical, the rest seem lukewarm about it), but don't let that stop you from getting the answers you need as soon as you're able to do so.
_________________
Formally diagnosed with ASD at the age of 43 (2014), I am the author of "Never One of Them: Growing Up With Autism," available through Amazon and most popular ebook sites.
My Official Facebook Page
09 Nov 2016, 5:28 pm
I feel the same. I don't appear to have the problems that they seem to have, at least not to the same extent. Performing tests etc online (I know this is not used as a diagnosis tool) I seem to be getting middle of the road results on a consistent basis.
Sometimes my Asperger's comes out in a bad way but a lot of the time I wonder why I was diagnosed. Going to meetings etc with other Autistic people only adds to this frustration.
mathiebrungrand
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 21 Oct 2016
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 58
Location: New York
09 Nov 2016, 10:30 pm
I originally joined this site back in 2012, but ended up doubting I could be on the spectrum until very recently. Even now I question myself and I haven't even been diagnosed, but so many traits and signs make me feel that it's impossible for me to not be on the spectrum, so I honestly believe I'm an aspie. I relate better to autistic people than allistic people, but I often still feel very different from most autistic people, as well.
My main autistic traits are: special interests/obsessions, perseveration (thoughts, topics, trouble with transitions/change), stimming, awkward posture and movement, poor coordination, mild sensory issues, hyper-focusing, trouble expressing empathy in RL conversations, delayed reaction times in social situations, social exhaustion, often poor eye contact, my ability to socialise feels intellectual and rule based rather than instinctual, I believe I experience informational overload, mild meltdowns/shutdowns, poor emotional regulation, delayed maturity(coping mechanisms of a small child), mild language processing issues (I seem to process homonyms slower than others), detail-based thinking and often trouble with the big picture, impaired executive functioning, attention issues, traits of NVLD.
But I often still feel like I'm not aspie enough because I don't like maths, can't memorise strings of numbers without effort (I'm language oriented), and because I can understand facial expressions, sarcasm, etc and can appear quite 'normal' under the right circumstances. For example, I make more eye contact when talking about something that interests me and I seem to be able to don a mask when I need to look more 'normal'.
Also I think my family have very stereotypical ideas of what autism looks like, so the mere fact that I can be so verbally long-winded, and can smile etc, and the fact that I'm probably of average IQ and not a mathematical genius, means, to them, I'm perfectly allistic even when I'm rocking back and forth at times, or sitting quietly and not making eye contact during most gatherings, and even though I prefer to talk about the same few topics incessantly. I don't think any of them know what Aspergers is, and even they do, they probably believe there's no way it could apply to someone in our family.....
I honestly believe the fact I've gone undiagnosed is not only that my symptoms are relatively mild, but also because my family aren't observant, tend to not go to doctors, and I've been isolated and pretty much ignored for most of my life.
Really well said. I can relate (except for the math part).
Especially this: "my ability to socialise feels intellectual and rule based rather than instinctual"
_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 139 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 72 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
10 Nov 2016, 8:55 am
I originally joined this site back in 2012, but ended up doubting I could be on the spectrum until very recently. Even now I question myself and I haven't even been diagnosed, but so many traits and signs make me feel that it's impossible for me to not be on the spectrum, so I honestly believe I'm an aspie. I relate better to autistic people than allistic people, but I often still feel very different from most autistic people, as well.
My main autistic traits are: special interests/obsessions, perseveration (thoughts, topics, trouble with transitions/change), stimming, awkward posture and movement, poor coordination, mild sensory issues, hyper-focusing, trouble expressing empathy in RL conversations, delayed reaction times in social situations, social exhaustion, often poor eye contact, my ability to socialise feels intellectual and rule based rather than instinctual, I believe I experience informational overload, mild meltdowns/shutdowns, poor emotional regulation, delayed maturity(coping mechanisms of a small child), mild language processing issues (I seem to process homonyms slower than others), detail-based thinking and often trouble with the big picture, impaired executive functioning, attention issues, traits of NVLD.
But I often still feel like I'm not aspie enough because I don't like maths, can't memorise strings of numbers without effort (I'm language oriented), and because I can understand facial expressions, sarcasm, etc and can appear quite 'normal' under the right circumstances. For example, I make more eye contact when talking about something that interests me and I seem to be able to don a mask when I need to look more 'normal'.
Also I think my family have very stereotypical ideas of what autism looks like, so the mere fact that I can be so verbally long-winded, and can smile etc, and the fact that I'm probably of average IQ and not a mathematical genius, means, to them, I'm perfectly allistic even when I'm rocking back and forth at times, or sitting quietly and not making eye contact during most gatherings, and even though I prefer to talk about the same few topics incessantly. I don't think any of them know what Aspergers is, and even they do, they probably believe there's no way it could apply to someone in our family.....
I honestly believe the fact I've gone undiagnosed is not only that my symptoms are relatively mild, but also because my family aren't observant, tend to not go to doctors, and I've been isolated and pretty much ignored for most of my life.
I share a lot of your traits, including an aptitude for verbal communication (although I'm stronger in writing than in-person discussion) and lack of advanced math skills or ability to keep a string of numbers in my head. I'm not qualified to diagnose you, of course, but many of the traits you describe are what led me to seek out a diagnosis on my own. If you think you're on the spectrum, there's a good chance that you are.
Your family may or may not accept your presumed ASD (my own mother is skeptical, the rest seem lukewarm about it), but don't let that stop you from getting the answers you need as soon as you're able to do so.
Thanks. I'd definitely like to have an official answer. Sadly, I'm not in a position to, atleast not currently; there's a complete lack of qualified professionals in my area. It's frustrating for other reasons as well.
Oh and like you I'm much better at writing than verbal communication, but it's just that I tend to do long-winded mostly one sided talks about my special interests. I can be empathetic and compassionate in writing, yet I find it difficult to act empathetically in verbal conversations... I feel awkward when others are emotional and I don't want to be cold, but it's like I never know what to do, or even if I know a rule of what I probably 'should' do, I'm afraid it'll seem too dramatic, like I'm insincere and merely acting-- I've had that feeling since I was a small child. Also I sometimes have got the impulse to smile at inappropriate times... for example, I nearly drowned once and when I was trying to tell my mum about what happened , I was partially smiling and she wouldn't believe me at first.
Lastly while I call many of my symptoms 'mild', they do make me function quite differently from the NT people I know. And my issues combine with other problems I've got and I honestly don't believe I could work, at least not in public.
By the way, sorry to go off-topic, but I suspect my brother may be an aspie too.
10 Nov 2016, 10:13 pm
I THINK I can feel empathy. I still can't grasp the idea too well. I always thought it was just being able to relate to someone, but I get yelled at for "not seeing how others feel" and I can console someone, and try my best to make them happy, but their grief doesn't make me sad. I just sort of pretend to feel the hurt with them. I honestly would rather change the subject, but then I feel like if they go into depression or kill themselves, it would be my fault. I also don't like my friends being unhappy.
I can also understand jokes and sarcasm to a point. What I heard referred to as slapstick comedy doesn't make sense to me though. I find it kind of childish. Then the sexual jokes fly right over my head. I use to spew out innuendos because I honestly didn't know that what I had said could be thought of in a sexual way, well, I still do. I get laughed at a lot for it.
I have other characteristics that neurotypical people font exactly understand, but those two things aren't too bad for me. I think. I honestly don't know.
10 Nov 2016, 10:37 pm
Personally I fit the mold almost exactly. My only difference is eye contact, because I've worked on that enough to the point that I can maintain it, unless I think about it then I start having trouble.
Otherwise, I am slightly abnormal in my interest with psychology and sociology. I assume most people with ASDs don't think about these things but I do because I'm so paranoid and I want to know everything about other people. Kind of like how North Korea is constantly on alert and since they lack embassies in all countries they want to know everything about other countries because they do not have the tools of common diplomacy and are unaligned with the major powers.
10 Nov 2016, 10:52 pm
Otherwise, I am slightly abnormal in my interest with psychology and sociology. I assume most people with ASDs don't think about these things but I do because I'm so paranoid and I want to know everything about other people. Kind of like how North Korea is constantly on alert and since they lack embassies in all countries they want to know everything about other countries because they do not have the tools of common diplomacy and are unaligned with the major powers.
I as well kind of obsess with psychology, but that makes sense. My dream job is to be a psychologist. I like to know how peoples minds work. It makes life easier. My favorite video games are psychological as well. I love thinking, as anxiety filled as that may sound, it just keeps me motivated. Learning and art are my passions.
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