Meltdown on my Birthday

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I turned 33 on Friday, April 22. Spare me the 'Happy Birthday!' well-wishes as the day was far from 'happy' for me. I'm sure all those in my life that did and have meant well, but the actual day of my birthday was the worst I've had in quite a while.

When I woke up for the day I could already tell it wasn't going well. I usually get along fine without much of any contact from anyone and even prefer to be by myself most of the time. I dunno, I guess my expectations for my birthday were a little different. When I woke up, no one was around. My family members had left to do some shopping out of town. It wasn't their intention at all, but I couldn't help feeling a bit slighted by it. There had even been talk the night before about going out to eat before I had to go into work that afternoon. As it was, I got ready and left for work without eating anything.

This might sound dark or morbid, but I really struggle on my birthdays. For most it seems to be a happy time for celebration of the person's life. It's hard for me because I guess it's not easy for me to look at my life as something worth celebrating. For me it's more a case of looking back over the previous year and seeing how little I've moved forward. It's a reminder that a year has passed and my life really hasn't improved any from what it was like a year prior. It probably doesn't help that two years prior I was hospitalized on my birthday for depression/anxiety after a particularly bad meltdown that put an end to my academic career.

So, yeah. I left for work with these dark thoughts spinning around in my head. When I arrive I get a few 'happy birthdays' from coworkers as I make my way to check what deliveries I have for the day. Sure enough, I have a delivery to the most hateful woman I've ever encountered in my life.

I've had to deal with this customer for about two years now and it's never gone well. She, for whatever reason, is angry and bitter with the world and seems to take out her aggression on me whenever I have the misfortune of having to deliver to her. I can't do right by her.

I was taught that it is rude to enter someone's home without first being invited in. I knock and wait for a reply and am yelled at to come in and stop letting the warm air out. The next time I enter after knocking briefly and am yelled at for not wiping my feet off first. On my next visit I stop to wipe off my feet as I enter and am yelled at for letting a bug fly in. I've been yelled at for not having change. I've been yelled at for delivering medicine her doctor ordered, but she didn't want. And so on and so on. The last time I delivered to her she claimed she was going to slap me because I took too long getting her medicine to her.

I saw her name and package marked for delivery on Friday and I lost it. My first instinct was to scream and throw the pills across the pharmacy, but I was able to keep myself from doing that. I kept things together long enough to do a handful of deliveries, but by about the third I had to pull over because I was literally in tears and trembling at this point. I'm almost ashamed to admit that my thoughts turned to self-harm and suicide at this point.

I wasn't able to finish my work day. My mom and sister had to come pick me up at the pharmacy and try to explain to my boss what was going on. My boss is sympathetic enough, but he doesn't really get it. I've been told that my job isn't stressful enough to warrant reactions like this. Most times my job isn't that bad and I know there are a helluva lot more high stress jobs out there, but that doesn't make really have much impact on how well I can handle the stress of this job.

The whole thing's been terribly embarrassing for me, but looking at it from a more rational perspective, I don't think I should feel this way and especially shouldn't be MADE to feel this way. I appreciate the job I have as I don't think there's much else out there that I can handle. Just wish there was more understanding and acceptance.

At least I won't have to deliver to this woman anymore. That's a small amount of 'good' that's come out of this situation.

Hey,

I found myself nodding a whole ton reading through this. Sounds like there was something good to come of this.

Someone who looks after me lots used the phrase "behaviour is communication" and this for meltdowns etc she does not see it as a failure or something to be punished. Its instead a time when i could not use word or texts to communicate what was going on. Sometimes i might even need help myself to understand the trigger.

Its the same thing here, something built and built and you ran out of energy to fight it.

Thinking proactively, could you approach someone at work too discuss how they handle clients like her? Perhaps see if you can develop some routines for managing those interactions.

The other side of it is "professional distance". This is the idea that things can happen to "you the employee" that are not really aimed at "you the person". I work for a big media company, sometimes people don't like the company and complain at me / verbally attack me because of it. They just see the company name and forgot i am a human. Same with my work, sometimes we get ignored and our users get harmed...

To all this i am suppose to effectively ignore it it. to keep "professional distance"....

Im not very good at it, but perhaps other can offer some thoughts on how to do it.

I don't tell anyone my birthday so I am unaffected by those scenarios. However I am still usually depressed on my birthday due to the same reasons you mentioned (life not moving forward,nothing to celebrate etc.) but at least I don't have to deal with people which is a plus for me. Every year I still have a meltdown though but no one sees it

I'm sorry you had a horrible birthday.

DId you ever tell your family how you had hoped to see them and do something on your birthday, and that it hurt that they weren't there?

I don't understand what people are trying to accomplish when they say things like this.

So you get way more stressed out than most people would.... instead of telling you your stress is wrong (how does that make anything better for anyone or change the situation in any way?) it would be more helpful and practical (for everyone) for them to wonder and ask why you get so stressed out.