Everybody Is Identical: a response to An Open Letter to the Depressed Aspergian

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Thank You. This is the first time since my life partner passed away that I feel understood. It comes as news to me that suicide is so prevalent among those with Asperger's. This morning I had another event of suicidal thoughts. Since I am stuck in South America and without any support, suicide has been more often than not plagueing me. I was diagnosedwith Asperger's as an adult. Suicidal thoughts have accompanied me all of my life. I'm 63 now. But the most important aspect in my - and likely also in others' - case, is the "circumstantial" part about it. There were times when I was sheltered and had my place in a community. These were good times. Since I was denied departure from the South American country I am in now, my mental and physical health have deteriorated greatly. Three times I tried to take my life, twice on a tree and once on a roof - and could not do it. The love for my Felines made it impossible. The unbearable depression, despair and hopelessness were no match to the love my Felines had and still have. Three of my most beloved Feline companions died here. Two from hypothermia and one succumbed to a dog attack. The guilt has not left. The fact that I followed an invitation to spend some time to recover from the loss of my partner and the threat of a volcanic eruption in my neighborhood on Hawai'i island, makes me responsible for their deaths. And for my own suffering and pain. Even though I am aware that how things turned out has to do with my condition. What is unbearable now is my inability to sustain myself and be able to return to the States, where ASD is acknowledged in large parts. Here, it is totally denied.
Reading the essay gave me some solace and I am immensely greatful for that. But as I am once again threatened by homelessness, my mind is in spinning uncontollable. The anxiety and panic are overwhelming. In the general discussion thread, I was asking if anybody knows of a fundraising site suited for individuals with ASD. For any suggestion I will be extremely greatful. It feels like a conspracy here to make survival impossible.
Thank You also for the thoughtful responses to this essay. I lapped it up like a Kitten milk.

I have suffered from chronic depression since being a teenager. Suicide, though seemingly appealing in times of despair & distress, should be avoided.

@blitzkrieg

Thank You and yes, the end of one's life comes as a built-in feature. This morning it was again really bad and tye reason for that is the threat of homelessness. Not enough funds to survive, but also no jobs to be had. My hope to return to the states requires funds to do so. Aside all the madness in the states, there are lots of jobs in my field and my daughter and grandchildren are there. The imagination of being there is strong, but the realities on the ground here are destructive. I also forgot to mention that the term "suicide" is actually misleading. In German, the word "Freitod" describes it better. "Voluntary death".
Thank You for Your response.

I hope this isn't a thread-hijack, but I wanted to try to express what I've been realizing regarding my own experiences with Autism, the support that has been offered, and darkness.

Because I experience life differently, non-autists aren't able to see the nature of my emotional or mental pain. For example: someone yelled in my face, and my reaction resembled trauma. I have had very good people convince me (almost) that I was really only reacting to a memory from my childhood history, and that my reaction had little or nothing to do with the present moment, which was only a "trigger."
That might be true for many people; but in my case, because of the way my brain is, I believe that it was actually traumatic for someone to unexpectedly yell in my face; this wasn't just a trigger for buried trauma (the so-called "real trauma"). I carried bitterness inside me over the yelling, AND the therapy, instead of healing; part of me felt that I was being lied to, and was angry.
Sometimes people intended to help me by actively trying to trigger reactions, in the hope that this would jolt a distant memory and cause it to be brought to the light and heal. Part of me understands the theory, but I think its absolutely wrong to do this to someone.

I'm trying to tie this into the current thread by saying that, in a world where support may be lacking, the support that is offered isn't always right. People may have no idea how to "get inside" our heads/hearts.

What I've been practising for myself is, that when dark thoughts come, I do something simple that is the opposite - if there are thoughts of death, I do something that celebrates life. The other day, I bought sunflowers to counteract ugly thoughts; after I did that, sunflowers began "coming" to me in various ways, almost as if Life was greeting me - someone sent a card with a picture of a vase of the same number of sunflowers I had; someone else pointed out a set of decorative towels to me with a sunflower theme, etc. Some coincidences stand out more, and I hang on to them.

I haven't read the entire thread, so I apologize if this has already been brought up: sometimes an aspie is the one doing the bullying. (Maybe they don't have a better way to protect themselves.)

What I am missing in the community, is the dealing with what You describe as "bullying". As if the fact that someone counts themselves towards a segment of the population that is enduring more suffering and pain based on a differently wired brain - gives them the right to blast others for their sensibilites.
It is painful enough to get abused with practically no defenses - it is shameful to be chastised for this inability by those who should definitely know better. Every day I am confronted with the shortcoming of people who believe that "Autism" is just an excuse, an imagination - the rejection of the explanation for neurological variance especially by religious folks is appalling and there simply is no easy way out.
I am reading "Trauma and Recovery" by Dr. Judith Herman and it is extremely vindicating to read about the formation of trauma and the subsequent difficulties to overcome it - when new trauma is constantly added. Like You, I have issues being yelled at. That this has its partial roots in a childhood with a yelling father, does in no way mean that it does not exist on its own. Yelling at someone else is severe abuse and in the consequence adds to an already existing trauma. To even state that one has only a problem being yelled at, because of a childhood trauma is so pathetic, but equally symptomatic for a society that is utterly effed up.

That is a lovely Cat in the picture. Right now I am heartbroken, because I cannot bring my two Feline Boys with me and even though I had promised them to never, ever leave them behind - due to being destitute, they cannot accompany me on my journey back home. Heading to Michigan to stay with an old friend. Home is Hawai'i, but it will take time to get there and I need to get my Boys to be with me again. Apologies, after four years in involuntary exile I am heading out on Saturday. My mind is spinning like a top right now. Haven't been sleeping for a week. The Boys know something bad is about to happen.

when i was in the army, i had to put up with bullying from superiors who in retrospect seemed awfully like what i now know to be very high functioning auties. they were to a person very hidebound regarding rules and regulations, to a fanatical extent. they couldn't understand why i didn't feel the same way.

My prayers are with you. I'm in Michigan too; if I can help with the cat situation, let me know.

I'm sorry! Its hard when people get power they probably shouldn't have.

uncle sam's army had a predilection for promoting people who abused their power in some way.

Thank You so much for Your reply. It means a lot to me - experiencing that close to nobody really cares about the hardship of others. All of my life I preferred being alone, because I was never good enough for others. Only as a joker would others care to have me around. My first Feline came into my life late. I had just turned 47 and she was returned to the Humane Society shelter, because the person that had adopted her said that she had bit him. She was the most amazing Feline You could ever imagine. I found her lifeless body at the side of our road only 20 yards away from our driveway, after I had returned from a medical appointment on Oahu. Only the fact that I still had my pride of two Feline Boys and one Feline Girl helped me to cope with it. Living with Felines has been the best experience of my life. Although the premature death of these amazing Kitties has hit me hard in times of extreme hardship, the two Boys that are with me since four and a half years helped me in the same fashion. They are so loving and caring. And they turned out to be the odd couple I named them after. Right now I have a temporary place for them, but it will be in a neighborhood with many stray dogs. My apologies for my verbiage, but I am totally overwhelmed right now. The whole traveling thing has become an utter nightmare. One has to pay for everything extra now. Only the rich travel all inclusive. The real issue is money and that Incannot stay at my friends house in Howell with the Boys, because she has a Dog that is not used to Cats and my friend is not a Cat person per se. But I will do everything to have them join me as soon as I can have them with me again. Things would be easier if I could just stay in Florida, where my step daughter lives. But I have become utterly destitute from not having been allowed to leave Uruguay and due to pandemic and vaccination mandate for air travelers, I have been stuck there for three years. Altogether it is too much for my mind and I intend to write a book about what happened in order to transcend it. If You like You can take a look at my Hawai'ian Kitties here: spot.fund/ASDPersonAskingForHelp. You can also message me. My departure is tomorrow morning. A virtual hug for You and some eye blinking for Your Kitty.