How to tell my BF I think he might be AS?

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Hi all,

I am a female NT (although I don't think I'm NT at all, just not AS). I have been in a long term, committed relationship with my bf and he is absolutely wonderful. I feel head over heels and think he is talented, smart, kind, funny, hot, inspiring, and truly good hearted. Needless to say, I love him.

However, there has been a lot of issues for me and they are only getting worse. I feel isolated from him a lot and our sex life has slowed almost to a halt. My love language is primarily touch so not having regular hugs and kisses and cuddles is really hard on me. It makes me feel like I repulse him and that he doesn't love me. But everything else in the relationship is good - he makes other gestures and choices that tell me that he loves me more than ever.

My therapist recently suggested that my bf may be AS. She hasn't met him so it's not a diagnosis but after she said that I did a lot of research and it does seem to fit, down to the fact that he is very sensitive to sound, touch and smell - particularly light touch.

All the research I have done says that it is ABSOLUTELY important that both partners be aware of AS and to seek a diagnosis. What I have read says that it can only work if both partners are knowledgeable about the unique challenges of AS-NT relationships. So, I know I should bring this up with him (especially before things progress and we end up getting married or something), but I don't know how. I am afraid he might be offended (although he shouldn't, he is wonderful and being AS does not change that at all).

Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone been told to seek a diagnosis by a loved one? How did it feel? Was there anything you wish they had said or hadn't have said? Do you think it would be helpful to reach out to my bf's family?

I'd really appreciate your perspectives.

Don't.

That says it all right there. You are not a trained and licensed mental-health professional, and your therapist has never met your boyfriend - she has only your entirely subjective opinions to go by. That she would even suggest such a thing to anyone other than your boyfriend leads me to doubt her professional integrity. (1) Direct observation is integral to a diagnosticians investigatory process, and (2) confidentiality should be held to the highest possible standard. She has violated both of these principles.

It's a touchy subject, for sure. I dated a guy with AS for a while, who knew about it and wondered if I have it too, given how nerdy I am. But after reading enough stuff about autism written by actual autistic people, I have always been able to reassure myself that I'm as NT as an Aspie is autistic, but it may not be totally obvious given my temperament.

Be careful with the opinions of therapists, and especially those who are big fans of Maxine Aston. She has a few good insights, but a lot of her followers automatically equate AS with "dork" and "jerk" and will chalk any relationship problem up to AS. If anyone throws around the term "Cassandra syndrome" for someone dating an Aspie, be VERY careful (or, run!).

Other than that, the most important thing is that you two understand each other as individuals, independent of your neurological makeup. "If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person," so the saying goes. If he has AS, he probably has some sensory issues, but that doesn't tell you anything about what they are. It also tells you that he may make some social mistakes, but it tells you only a little about what those mistakes will be and in which situations they'll most likely happen.

Low libido is a complex issue, and AS sensory issues could be only part of it. Does he take Prozac-type antidepressants? That reduces libido in many people of both sexes. Was he ever sexually assaulted? This is a very touchy issue for anyone, but it can also cause low libido, and it happens to more guys than you think, and if he was disabled or weird he may have been an easier target for predators. Are you his first serious girlfriend? Nervousness from inexperience can factor in too, for many guys. It isn't as easy for them as sexist stereotypes make us think!

So...what I would recommend is that you look up some good books or internet material on autism by autistic authors - Temple Grandin, John Elder Robison, Donna Williams, Liane Holliday Willey, Rudy Simone, etc. - and maybe suggest them to your SO or tell them about them, and how fascinating it is, and if after reading about autism from an autistic perspective, you think he might still be on the spectrum, maybe if he's having a rough moment bring up the notion that, say, certain people have sensory issues, or trouble keeping up with the rhythms of social interaction, and you think that might be going on with him. If he responds positively, maybe then you can bring up the A-words - autism, Asperger. If not, well, don't chase it any farther but try to understand him the best you can anyway, as an individual.

A suggestion is just that, though, and meant to be helpful, not conclusive. My therapist has suggested that my mom may have BPD. They haven't met. He's not diagnosing her, but just trying to help me understand her. And he has.

If that is the case how does anyone seek a diagnosis at all?

Also, I am confused as to when you believe confidentiality was violated.

I am curious about your thoughts, I am not condemning them.

Thank you for your detailed reply, GhostsInTheWallpaper - particularly the suggested readings. I will definitely do more research before anything else.

If the guy doesn't know, you better have something better than "you might have AS" to tell him. Personally, in his place I would not be receptive to that unless you justified it somehow. You gonna have to learn the traits of AS (or HFA), and identify them. If he's a polar opposite of those traits, then your therapist is full of doo-doo. If on the other hand you can identify those traits in him, yeah, bring it up and justify it.

Yes of course, I'm not a trained professional and don't pretend to know anything for sure, but I wouldn't be seeking advice if it didn't seem like a fit. Thanks for your POV on it and for suggesting research on HFA.

The main traits are not difficult. You can complete all the research for a self-diagnosis in one evening.

Your therapist did not confide her opinion to your boyfriend, but to you instead. Not only does this violate confidentiality, but it is tantamount to gossip.

Very unprofessional.

She is my therapist, not his.

Exactly my point. She should focus her attention on you and not on the people around you.

Individuals are closely linked with the people around them. One of the most important focuses of therapists is the human relationships of their clients. As a therapist, not a psychiatrist, her goal is to help me understand and improve my relationships (with family, friends, colleges, and significant others). From my perspective, it is not gossiping to pursue mental health, understanding, and positive relationships. If better understanding means that I am not blaming him or myself for behavior neither of us can control then I think that is a win for everyone involved.

I came on here to get insight from a community. Thank you for sharing your comments, Fnord. They do give me insight in to how he might feel about it, so I am grateful for that.

This is actually how I initially considered it. My girlfriend at the time told me that one of her friends suggested I may be autistic. Not sure if it was more of a "you'll never guess what my friend said?" comment, or a serious one. I didn't say anything in response at the time, but it did pique my interest as I guess I have always known I was "different", and I guess that is quite a common feeling among autistic people. So I did some internet research, and took an on-line test and thought that it fitted me and maybe explained some things in my life, so I then went to seek an official diagnosis. I did all this without telling my girlfriend, but I guess that's "so autistic" too It was only after I got my diagnosis that I told her about it.

I think you already know the answer to your question, and that is to simply put it to him. You know him and your relationship better than we do, so you'll need to just find the moment that is good where there won't be distractions and ask him if he has considered that he might have AS. Show him an on-line test and suggest he maybe takes it himself when he has a moment. His reaction might be "That's interesting", "That's nuts" or maybe nothing and he'll do what I did and look into it himself, you'll really just need to play it by ear. Having these kinds of conversations are uncomfortable for sure, but they need to be done.

Hi KindaSorta - it may be OK to suggest it to your bf. But another perspective, and nothing to do with AS in particular, is that it come over badly to tell someone they may have a problem - it can be hard to pitch what you say to avoid feelings of accusation. Another way might be to make it about your feelings and about how your relationship is affected. The formula "when you ... I feel ..." is almost a cliche but it serves a purpose. And you might suggest seeing a couples counsellor - not because that's the best thing to do but as a soft intro to the discussion.

Thank you Butyouseemso and Chickiov, those are both really helpful.