Grieving diagnosis

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I was in denial about my condition for eight years, between the time a doctor told me I was on the spectrum and just a few weeks ago, when some things happened at work that once again made it very clear that, despite hiding it very well--even from myself!-- I definitely live on another planet. I began researching ASD, and at first felt a tremendous, tremendous relief. But then I began to worry: what if I accept that I have thus thing and it turns out to be the emperor's new clothes? I've been wavering among these two poles.But today, I felt the most awful despair, and on the way home, I was really angry.

If you're on this site, then chances are, you've been through this grief process? Is acceptance anywhere in my future? What if it's worse to accept it? I mean, what if I let the label keep me in my safe box forever and I miss something? Is there anything worth leaving the box fir anyway? I know these questions are my job to answer. I just don't have anyone to talk to about it, because I did have a friend, but she moved back to Japan. I had a therapist, but he called me nasty and I decided that that wasn't a helpful thing to say. (I'm not saying I've never been nasty, I get very nasty sometimes. But I feel like I'm not a nasty person, and if I could control it, I wouldn't be nasty, I would think calmly about the situation. I know I would, because I've tried so hard. But apparently there is this thing called overload, and this explains why someone who is as disciplined and committed to being respectful as I am can become truly nasty at times.)

I've been on the Spectrum my whole life.

I've accepted who I am. I'm not harming anybody by being on the Spectrum.

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 60. I also didn't have any idea I had anything. However, I was delighted to learn about it as it explained many things about my whole life. I also am glad I found out. Without this knowledge, nothing would ever have changed. Now, I have hope and know what I'm up against. Knowledge is almost always a good thing, whenever it comes...

It's normal to go through what you're describing. Not everyone processes it the same way, but lots of people go through the same basic thing.

And people go through those stages of acceptance with other things. You just found out what "kind" of person you are, so you're having a major identity adjustment. You must be going back over things from the past and putting a new reality to them- Ohh, that's why I reacted that way, and Ohh, that's why people treated me this way...A lot of things fall into place and you change beliefs that you've held about yourself and the world your whole life. That's a big thing! It takes time!

I'm NT, but I went through a similar process when I found out that I have my family's neurological disease. It took me years to learn how to ride a bike. Ohh...that's why! I'm a terrible dancer...Ohh...It all made sense all of a sudden. But then I had to accept, well, I guess I'll NEVER be a good dancer. I guess I need to get an adult trike instead of a bike. It took time to adjust. A friend of mine had the same kind of adjustment when he realized that he's gay.

The good news is that you're already in touch with a huge network here of other people who will always be here to listen and put in their two cents when you need advice. It'll get easier!

My own opinion would be that it is better to accept it. It gave me the opportunity to forgive myself for not being able to "fit in." I don't use it as an excuse however. Its just that now I know my limitations better and how to plan for them. I'm in no way implying that acceptance is easy but it helped me. Also I was terribly "nasty" in my past. Now I understand where that came from. I just try to set my life up in a bearable way based on my understanding of myself. Hope this helps

I went through the same thing earlier this year and it's still happening to an extent. I was diagnosed 12 years ago and I didn't accept that it was a disability or that I was that different for a long time. Early on I went from relieved to depressed a lot as you described, but in the months since things have improved, I accept it now and I'm glad I went through all that. It should get better for you too.