One week until my Aspergers evaluation

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Hi there everybody,

I hope you don't mind me posting but I'd appreciate an opinion/experience or two.

I've on and off thought I had Aspergers for years but kept dismissing the idea until getting into my first serious relationship last year (aged 29) and noticing certain patterns to the arguments I had with my boyfriend.

I went back to the idea I might have Aspergers, and after researching it properly it was kind of a lightbulb moment when suddenly I realised that all the many symptoms I''ve had all my life and thought were separate problems could in fact be related. Suddenly everything made sense, and after months of research, was convinced I had it. I tried to discuss it with friends (via WhatsApp... I don't often physically see friends though I've known them for years) but got such a negative, dismissive reaction, with people simply not believing I could have it. Then came the humiliating day at the GPs, who simply told me 'we all have quirks'.

In fact, the only people who took my doubts seriously were my siblings and my father, who insisted "you DO have problems with eye contact even if you think you don't" (I can appear perfectly 'normal' when required.... albeit only for short periods of time).

Nevertheless peoples reactions made me feel like a complete idiot for thinking I could have Aspergers and instead of booking a diagnosis I just tried to 'cure' myself through a gluten free, probiotic, vitamin everything diet. Surprise surprise, months later, nothings changed (except my digestion).

Last week a friend emailed me the Baren-Cohen Aspergers test though and asked me to do it. I got 42/50, and after months of pushing it aside I finally booked the test.

I instantly felt more stressed and emotional than I have in a long time. I have never felt so understood as when reading about Aspergers, it's like finally my entire messed up life makes total sense like nothing else ever did. I'm absolutely convinced I have it. Yet this idea has brought up so much sadness, so much grief.... at all the things that happened... all the things I missed out on... decades of loneliness and shame... the fact that my mum died 5 years ago and would never know... (my sister told me our mum once suspected I was autistic and at least dyspraxic)

I think the hardest thing for me is the social exhaustion from interaction, and the sensory overload. I feel stressed and angry all the time because there is noise everywhere, all the time. This has made living with people really difficult... like I've hated people, avoided them, had to repeatedly ask them to turn down their music/TV/voicesbecause its so damn loud... everywhere,,, even the library and 'silent study rooms' which people apparently love to do group work in... I went to a psychologist, I even tried to hypnotise myself out of noise sensitivity... it didn't help.

My symptoms have caused so many problems with family and housemates, OCD...avoiding people from 'overload' and about 2 years ago my own brother threatened to kill me (and chased me up the stairs and pinned me to my bed while screaming he would do it...) because one two many times I asked him to turn his TV down.... another housemate once threatened to attack me for doing the same... I've been told to tolerate noise, and people think I'm just being controlling and intolerant and demanding special treatment. Nobody has ever considered that the fact that I spend almost my entire day in earplugs (despite living alone now) might indicate something other than an emotional disturbance). My psychologist told me to stop reading so much and go out. Like it's that simple.

All my life I've been a straight A student. Top of my class... distinction at uni... now second in my class doing a Masters degree taught in Portuguese... but I dropped out of school aged 12, dropped out of uni for 2 years and quit a job as a trainee human rights lawyer 6 weeks in because I couldn't handle being obliged to stay at a desk in an open plan office with no freedom to take time outs, and in that short time I generated two serious complaints for being 'honest' with clients. I've always felt like, whats the point in having a brain that works so damn well and yet being such an emotional failure that I can't do anything with it?

I feel like I want to grieve for spending my whole life feeling hated and like a freak.

But I'm also absolutely terrified that maybe, like my friends say, I don't have Aspergers, and I'll just feel completely humiliated and even more lost if I lose this 'explanation' after the diagnosis.

What was it like for you guys getting a leading up to and getting a diagnosis?

Many if not most people here have had thier suspicions dismissed by others including professionals for similar reasons. This includes after a diagnosis.

Many have also had the reaction when reading about Aspergers/Autism of I am reading about myself, was the person who wrote this following me around my whole life, but also have that nagging doubt that maybe they are not on the spectrum.

The anxiety is normal. I was very anxious in the days leading up to my diagnosis, afraid, as you are, that autism wouldn't be the explanation for my oddities and difficulty fitting in, and that I'd be humiliated in front of everyone I'd told about my suspicions. I wound up being right though, as many who suspect they're on the spectrum are. Even if autism turns out not to be the answer, it's likely the doctor who tested you can give you some insight as to what might be, based on the results of the tests you took. Try to distract yourself as much as possible for the next week; worrying will only make you feel worse, and won't solve anything. It's a lot easier said than done though, I know! Good luck!

Thank of you so much both of you, even if I dont have Aspergers its so comforting just yo hear encouragement from people who understand at least the experience.

If anybody has any time I would appreciate some advice on how to prepare for the interview. Ive told it could take a maximum of 2.5 hours, and will include a 'generic IQ test' appropriate for children and adolescants (I'm 29).

I suggested askin my father to complete some kind of description about me and the psychologist said he can do Tony Attwood's questionaire on autism/Aspergers symptoms. The problem is, my dad spent nost of my childhood either at work, smashing things, or feigning sleep with a pillow over his eyes (in hindsight I wonder if itd be worth him doing some kind of test lol). My mum passes away already, basically I dont know if my dad can really comment. I was thinking of asking him to complete the questionaire and maybe my big brother and my mums best friend. How many is too many?

I was thinking of writing a description of symptoms, too, which I see others have done. Should I invite my boyfriend to talk to the psychologist? He doesnt think I have Aspergers, but at least could testify to my lifestyle/behaviour when he changes plans/reluctance to socialise/speciali terests/food separating/OCD and sensory awareness etc. Should I take him?

on another note, AS partof me.... I see you are on chemo? I'm so sorry...I know how hard it is. Thank you for your kindness in replying and I wiah you so much for a quick recovery!

If you think one of your siblings could take it seriously enough to jot down some things, or answer some structured questions, you could add his observations along with your dad's. Although your dad may also be on the spectrum, it doesn't mean that his observations would be any less valid. So I'd make sure to get him to write some stuff down. If he IS on the spectrum, it might be better to make sure he has direct questions to answer.

You will naturally be nervous before you go in for this evaluation. The psychologist or psychiatrist is used to people being nervous when they talk to them, so don't worry about that throwing anything off. If you're worried about forgetting to tell them anything, you could write it down and bring it in.

One reason that it's good to get a formal diagnosis is that you can use that to get formal accommodations in a workplace or school situation. Another reason is that it can help you change the way you let people interact with you. Once you learn that you are certain kind of person, it can give you permission to listen to your natural inclinations more and be more firm about what is good for you and what you need less involvement with. It stuck out to me how someone said you "need to get out more." It could be that you actually need to only get out during certain times, and you really need to spend more of an effort avoiding noise during other times.