Autism and energy

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I was also severely bullied in school, from about Second grade onwards. In second grade, at least, the bully got in trouble. By the time I reached seventh grade, bullying was not only becoming worse almost every passing year, but the teacher at my middle school were putting a blind eye to the bullying. I was frequently used as a punching bag by the bullies in the school from the 2004-2005 school year until the school year of 2005-2006.



Besides being wailed on, I was called names like gay, ret*d, fa***t, homo, and many other names on a nearly basis. There was no schedule on when I was beat up, but it happened at either dismissal, or during recess (My recess was in the inclusion program because I couldn't be without my para). I got bullied by mostly the students in the inclusion office. They had simple learning disabilities like ADD, or ADHD. I on the other hand had Autism, OCD, ADHD, Depression and generalized anxiety disorder. (I got OCD, GAD from the stress from school.

I got punished just for being in a fight, especially when the special ed director knew I was autistic and knew I didn't fight back and knew I behaved myself since I wanted to get a perfect record. She did everything to make me have a meltdown, since apparently, she knew a bit more about autism when I was 13 than I did (That's just my opinion anyway) Anyway, due to the bullying and discrimination at school and the fights and arguments in the house I began to have frequent meltdowns at home, usually after being accused of something I didn't do.

One thing that made me blow up is one someone did something wrong and tried to blame me for it, watch out Yellowstone, there's a bigger badder volcano on it's way! I didn't harm myself, or others, but walls were cracked jsut from how loudly I slammed the door. and apparently during a meltdown I have superhuman strength as I was able to unknowingly tip over a table that weighed almost 300 lbs!

I had most of my meltdowns at home, not school, since at school, I had my para and my guidance counselor who helped me cope with the extreme stress of being hated by all, including the lazy ass who discirminated against me because I was a racial minority and the only autistic in the program.

She hated the fact that I stood up for myself. She was probably used to people with autism who are being used and abused and I told her, "If you think you can waltz in here and treat people however you want to, you can't this is not prison, this is a school, if you're going to act like this is prison, and treat the weak and defenseless worse than you would treat the others, then you don't belong to work in a school, you belong to work in a prison, because that's where your kind, the discriminatory kind belongs working". I said that to her near the end of the school year after I could take no more of her s**t.



My mom is my savior She hired a lawyer to get me out of that godforsaken school and into a much better one. A school for kids and young adults on the autism spectrum.

I had a pretty rough transition as I was still used to the un-sheltered cold harsh reality that I faced that turned me from a sweet innocent kid at age 11 with a emotional capacity of age 4 and an intellectual capacity of age 12, to an angry vengeful full of hate personality that I had by age 14, in only three years, I aged three physical years, but matured emotionally nearly 10 years to age 13, but dropped intellectually by two years to 10, in other words I regressed academically because of the bullying and stress.

When I left the special needs school, My emotional age, decreased a bit as I was very sheltered, so I put my defenses down a bit, but as I prepared for transition out of the school, I put my defenses fully up and was fully prepared for the worst and became very negative as I was worried if the life out there was going to be worse than what I went through.

The transition was pretty rough. I feared going home and dealing with family drama, and my stepfather didn't like my pessimistic attitude, so unfortunately, he at times treated me poorly, "To teach me a lesson" for being so negative, which made me have like my first meltdown in over two years and we would get into shouting matches, which he, or my mom would start and when people at home get angry I always get yelled at, and I usually yell at my mom, since she provokes my stepfather, and I at times felt she deliberately did that to get him upset, just so he could yell at me, but I knew the real reason and that was their emotions were all out of whack. So when everyone was calm, I called a family meeting and I had to print out numerous documents in his native tongue of Russian of asperger's and autism for my hardheaded stepfather who still thinks there is nothing wrong with me, so he could read it and understand where I am coming from.

I was finally able to tell him how the family works and why it was so dysfunctional and why I feared coming to the house. My stepfather, read the papers and said that they argued because of me. He told me that even though I don't directly cause their issues, he explained to me that my pessimistic personality was causing a toxic cloud full of negative energy to hang over the house and that's why everyone was screaming and yelling. basically, I was so negative that my fears were manifesting themselves in reality. He finally understood what I was trying to tell people, but never found the words to actually say.

I always believed from when I was 13 that I have a reverse karma curse where if someone does something bad to me, like a bully hits me, or calls me names, because I felt that because I was so unlucky, that the bad things that were meant to happen to the person who deserved it, would came back to me again, so I would essentially get 2x the bad luck. I also felt that if I do something good for someone bad things would happen to me and I proved that it was true, at least to myself. (I was 13 at the time, magical thinking) I also concluded that if I do bad things back, like attack a bully, even in self defense, I would get quadruple the bad luck. I thought there was no way out, but to be neutral when it came to doing actions. I didn't change how I displayed my emotions, just the actions I did.

I then found a loophole, I found out people do rituals to stop bad luck and one cartoon gave me an idea to avoid bad luck by not stepping on cracks, but I also developed rituals that I did to reverse my luck to normal, but I felt that if I stop the rituals, at any moment all the bad luck I held behind the dam would burst and all the accumulative bad luck would hit me head on, like a ton of bricks, so my ocd became like my drug. I already had ocd when I was discussing my family issues.

Today, while on the E train, I developed a negative thought of me getting arrested for no reason and sentenced to life in prison, in the middle of my negative thought process, two men almost got into a fight. I realized that I must have been subconsciously causing it by my negative energy, so I stopped that negative thought process and the would be fight never happened!

Sometimes weird things happen, things science cannot explain now, but will likely explain in the future, so please stay positive.