Can a person with autism have a happy family life?

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Hi.. My brother is 27 and autistic. We want him to have a family life. My friend suggested a matchmaking service, Premier Introductions in Toronto that will help him to find a partner who understands him. But will this be effective? Any better suggestions?

Does HE want a family life?

Yes, those with autism can have happy family lifes, but we can also be perfectly happy alone.
Do not forget that your brother is a person too, and what he wants might be different from what you want: he might want to stay alone...

Izzeme is right on target here. Autistics can have great family lives. There are WP members who are married and who have wonderful kids and who have managed to do very well with that. The key is understanding Autism and respecting it within the individual. But you can't just want this for him. It has to be his desire, not yours, that determines whether he goes that route or not. If he does it only because he thinks you want that for him and does not do it because it's what he wants, then it will probably most likely be a disaster. If it's what he wants he will have a much greater chance at succeeding. But whether he chooses that route or not, it is good and right for you to respect and support him whichever way he goes.

I hate the idea that people need to be in a romantic relationship or be married or "have a family" in order to have a successful life! If that is what a person on the spectrum _wants_ it can work out wonderfully. If they are doing it because they are told they are supposed to . . . It is possible to be perfectly happy single! It's even better if people you care about aren't trying to tell you that you shouldn't be happy by yourself. It can come across as them saying that you are not good enough by yourself and need somebody else to make you better.

Well if he doesn't even have a girlfriend or much romantic interest at all, then its a little early to start thinking of a family life anyways. I mean that entails marrige(well not always), having kids and being able to support those kids as well as keep the marriage/long term relationship going and resolving any issues that come up with that. Basically that all is a lot of stress...

If he is intrested in a relationship, then helping him to meet women or at least giving encouragement/advice could be appropriate so long as no ones being pushy. But it certainly doesn't have to turn into a family life, he might want to remain single he might simply want a relationship but no children which are certainly ok as well.

I agree with everyone else. Not everyone wants romance and a family. Especially at 27.

My husband is autistic (I'm not) and we had our only son at 37. I don't think either of us could have handled a kid before then. When we were in our late 20s we didn't think we wanted kids at all. Now that we do, he is a great father and we have a very happy home life.

One of my sociology mentors is partially verbal and didn't seem interested in people or relationships at all until his 40s. Everyone's different.

All that being said, I would be wary of online matchmaking for autistic people, IF that's what your brother wants to try. On one hand, it might be more comfortable for him to get to know people without putting himself out there too much. And he could put more of a focus on matching interests, which is important. However, when people don't know what autism is and aren't familiar with autistic mannerisms, they can be put off by them. You can be put off by anyone's mannerisms. Or smell, or other little things that you don't get a sense of online. You can think you know the other person and then you're surprised by the real deal.

I agree with the others. Unless there's evidence to the contrary (often there is, but not always), the least dangerous assumption is that he doesn't want to have a romantic relationship.

You'll have to realize that people without autism sometimes don't want to date, either, permanently or temporarily, for many reasons.

If he's able, maybe your brother can join wrongplanet and speak for himself.

While I found my GF using online dating, I wouldn't suggest it.

It requires sending 1000's of messages with no response, when you do get a response people can vanish without a trace, out of the few that you meet, they are also meeting other people.

The whole experience is not one that is easy on your confidence or esteem.

I think the ONLY thing to do, is to found out what he wants, or he will never be happy.
Some people don't want a family life and that is there choice.

But it is possible to be Aspie and have a happy family life.

Assuming the person the OP is speaking about wants a relationship and (nuclear) family (as stated, that would need to be in place, obviously), I am not 100% sure that every autistic person will find it easy to have these things. The simple and painful fact is that even many NTs struggle to have these things.

I do have a husband and children. Sometimes it's pretty hard (although I adore my children, they are my very heart). It is VERY hard, as an autistic person, to deal with loudness, constant dirt/disorganization everywhere...etc. Being in many ways touch-avoidant/needing personal space whereas my ASD son requires very hard pressure and grabs on tightly, shoves his face and chin hard into my face, etc. It can be very, very, very hard.

But for me it's been doable. I don't know about for the next person.

I feel my father was probably HFA (I mean he was practically an autism sterotype, in retrospect)...and he couldn't deal with any of it. He beat us all in reaction to what he found painful - our noise, my constant crying (everything bugged me, sensory stuff, and I cried), the disorganization, changes of plans as will constantly happen when kids are involved and necessary things come up, illnesses and on and on. Then he and my mother broke up, following 12 years of marriage. I was 8 at the time and between then and the age of 18 - so, 10 years - I saw my dad I think 6 times total. That was about the extent of "child" he was able to deal with, his stuff being put out of his carefully organized order, unpredictable emotions, unpredictable reactions and changes of plans/restructuring of his weekend and so on. I could see the whole business was physically terrorizing his sense of order and his sensory stuff, I mean he'd clutch his head. He'd be ready to melt down at any given moment.

My father did find happiness, but not in a family that had children in it...he DID have a life mate, though. They were together for I think 20 years before getting married (he knew he was dying and wanted to protect her interests once he was gone). But they lived a VERY regimented lifestyle. For instance, dinner was at 7. Always at 7. Never at 6:50. Never at 7:10. A change in scheduling would always all but guarantee a meltdown on my father's part. He couldn't handle changes. And they both refused to be interrupted during dinner. A call could come through and play on the answering machine that a family member had been run over by a car and was hospitalized and they WOULD NOT interrupt dinner, you just can't do that, finish first, then make the call. She was VERY patient with him, tiptoed around him. Could never raise her voice (loud noise hurt him, just as it hurts me). Could never act emotional, as he felt but didn't really "understand" emotions. Could never ask anything of him outside their accepted routine. And so on. But you know what? It worked for them. And FTR I do not believe she (the wife) is autistic. She fell in love with his brain and reorganized her entire life and way of doing things, for him.

It can happen, but it takes a ton of work - as I said, even for NTs it takes a ton of work. Go on any "relationships" forum anywhere and you'll see dozens of people saying that they can't get a date, or that their mate is unsatisfactory and so on. So to the OP I'd say: if this family member wants this, let this family member go for it. It takes that motivation at the very least. If that motivation is there then the hard work (and even the rejections and blips along the road) are worth it. If not, then there's no need to force it. Many people live without mates and are perfectly happy.

Thank you all for your advice. I will be considering them before taking any decision.

Regardless of whether or not he wants a relationship, there isn't much you can realistically do for your brother. Matchmaking services if he's interested, sure, go for it. Whether or not a person can doesn't mean they will, the odds aren't in our favor.

I will echo what others have said here already. Does he want to have a family? Does he want a relationship?

I am happily married to my husband and we have two kids together.

I'm happily married - we'll be celebrating our 25th anniversary next year.

I met my wife at the company where we both worked and we just hit it off - neither of us was actively looking for a partner at the time.

I think just getting out and being with people is the best way to make friends and - who knows - maybe one of those friends might evolve into a partner/spouse in time.

Your brother does need a family life of his own to be happy. Do not force such things on him. I do not trust matchmaking services at all, the total strangers on them could be big fat liars or serial killers for all I know.

Happiness and autism are not mutually exclusive, but happiness and family often are.

Thank you all for your advice.