my heart null and void

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dear WP;
Ive been in a very good place for the last three months because of a relationship of which i am in...
THis weekend my fiance suggested rather strongly that we get married as soon as possible...i thought to myself that it seemed a bit rushed but i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and so i agreed that we were to be married on Memorial Day....

a day later she seems very agitated by me because i am sick and not very sure about what i want her to do to take care of me...after talking to her later on that night she tells me that she does not want to move in with me as well as we should postpone the wedding...Although this came as a shcok i accepted it and agreed that we should wait a little while before taking such a huge step...i then spoke with her today and she decided that she thinks that we should not be engaged as well and lastly she wants space....

she began to tell me that i take things too seriously and that this is overwhelming her...i told her that i understand that and i would wait for her until she was ready if she stills loves me like i love her...bottom line i feel beyond tears and i dont know what to do with myself now that things arent the same...theres definitely issues that we both have that need to worked out, but i guess i am curious should i just try to get over this or keep my heart open to the possibility of us going back to what we use to be.....she is 4 years younger and wants to party and things of that nature yet she still told me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.....

this pain i feel inside is beyond description and i cant help but wonder wtf happened...i told her i was obsessive of her and that i had AS and the problems it may present...she said she was ok with it and told me we would work it out....possibly what hurts me the most is that she told me that i would never have to be alone again...and now i am and i dont know what to do with myself...ive had thoughts of not being here anymore although i could never do that to myself....ive never fallen this hard and had it fall of as if it were nothing at all...does anyone have any feedback out there...experience, stories, advice...anything to take away some of this void.....

I'm really sorry about that.
I'm only 15, but I've been to the pont where I feel like everything is just hopeless, and I'll never be able to have a normal life and have normal relationships.

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I have to be honest with you though, three months is typically not enough time with someone to get engaged. I think that a good majority (me included) of people with AS tend to fall hard and fast when in a relationship. I know it's difficult to hear but it sounds to me like she really doesn't know what she wants, and I don't think that's abnormal considering that you've only been together for a short time.

Do yourself, and her, a favor and slow down. Perhaps a bit of space is what is best for both of you. That doesn't mean that the relationship is over, that just means that you're giving yourself the time you need to step back and let things settle a bit. The first few months of a relationship can be almost like a drug addiction; it usually takes a good six months before you start being "real". Be aware of that and give yourself time to really get to know each other.

It's for reasons like this that I don't ever want to fall in love, at least not for real.

I really hope things work out for you; if not with this partner in particular, than at least in the long run... They say there are two women in the world for everyone, if you believe that sort of thing. My only advice right now would be to let things mend between you naturally, and not to force yourself upon her; I used to do that when my relationships fell apart, and it only alienates people more. In the meantime, indulge yourself in something you normally wouldn't; that's always a good way to take your mind off things, at least temporarily.

[/badadvice]

The hardest not calling her.....she is my best friend and i confided everything in her... it really does feel like an addiction because all i can think of are the times we have shared and how i want o be with her....is it really so uncommon to be such a hopeless romantic to think that there can be true love out there stronger than any obstacle...thats what ive feel for her...and my heart tells me she feels the same....i guess all i can do is pray and have faith she will miss me as strongly as i miss her and we can mend things back again...

i think i will need to get back into music and art again to take my mind off of the pain....
thank you all for your words...

Time is a great healer! when i was told this i asked "how long?", lol unfortunately theres no answer, just time.

You might not want to hear this but I don't want it to happen to you.

I got engaged after just a few months. I was madly in love and have yet to find a connection with anyone as great as I had with her. (not even close, you have no idea) We were together though for 3 1/2 years but we never actually set a date. Just a couple days before we broke up she was still e-mailing me love letters and planning our lives together. But just like that, it was over. One night she said she wasn't sure about us. She never was sure and wanted out of the relationship years ago. The entire time was a lie. Then the lies really started flying. I couldn't trust anything she told me after that. She always was a b***h but now it was directed towards me. The best years of my life all lies. That was 4 years ago and I still have to consciously push her out of my mind and she still reigns supreme while I sleep. Nothing I can do about that. I saw her a few days ago at a bar. Didn't dare talk to her because I knew how great it would be. It was always great. We could talk for days and days and never run out of stuff to say. I wanted so badly to talk again but it would just give me something to fantasize about. I prefer not knowing what she's up to. (Oh, last I heard she was engaged to a guy who carved a swatstika into his chest and whom she put into jail because he drank while on probation.) Instead I fantasized about breaking her legs and another ex-girlfriend offered to beat the crap out of her. Kinda wish I had taken her up on the offer. The irony of the situation would have been a thing of beauty.

I guess be glad that she didn't stick around for 3 1/2 years before she pulled this on you. I was told that however long you were together that is how long it takes to get over them. Sounds about right. It was about a year and half ago where I stopped missing her but the lack of that in my life and how she treated me afterwards still pisses me off. Now I just kinda wish she was dead so I wouldn't have to run into her again.

My life has kinda revolved around comparing those years to now. It's a terrible terrible way to live. I wish I could just get over it. I hope you never have to feel the same way.








Sorry it's not uplifting.

Ohh, ow!

<<The entire time was a lie.>>

Unfortunately, your not the first nor the last to say those sad words.
There must of been other clues in all those years that something wasn't quite right about the relationship.

I'd chalk it up to a very hard learned lesson. Really think about the positive things you learned all through that time about relationships(not obsessivley mind you) and apply those to your future.

There probably were clues but I don't know where. She was stressed about a lot of things at the time. Work, School but we were always great. From the first time we spoke everything just felt natural and right all the way to the end. She was my best friend. That's what hurt the most. Plus, it wasn't only the relationship that fell apart at the time. It was everything I held dear. Work problems, money problems, friend problems. So I've spent all this time trying to get it all back and have succeeded except in the fact that I still feel empty without someone close to share it with. There is no doubt that I'm going to find that again. It's hard though because I hate being social but life is incredibly long and I got a hell of a lot of time. To everyone who feels hopeless, don't. You've got a hell of a lot of time as well.

thank you for your words...

im sorry to hear that you had to go through such an ordeal....I use to find it comforting as well to wish death upon
those whom wronged me throughout my years....even though ive felt like crap the last two days if my love was to leave me i would be greatful to having shared love with another person for the time we did....people get really neurotic when it comes to love and express themselves differently..maybe she expressed her love by being a "B" towards you...ive come to find out that my girlfriend has become extra sensitive because of her feeling towards me and gets very upset with the hint of an unplesant remark on my part....ive learned that as a guy its something i have to train myself to withstand as emotinal venting instead of emotional abuse to an extent...

although i still want her to be my wife , with the present events I am not going to put all of my hopes into it until she has my ring on her finger and my last name...i am starting to feel as if we rushed into this also even though we are completely in love with each other....my logic fails me when my heart is envolved which can prove to be a double edged sword....i knew she could be very indeciscive about things and i still wanted to believe it would be that easy....after the reality of it all i realize now that nothing is promised...I guess as we can live and love each other with all of our hearts unconditionally each day we will still have hope of making our love eternal....

and if it fails, at least i tried....

Regarding the "there may have been clues" thing, remember...we have AS! We're specifically bad about picking that stuff up! I know I just want a significant other to communicate as straight forward as possible, because I don't get all the silly games some people play.

Bizmack, unfortunately I know what you're going through. I've been through something like that too.

Logically I can say that what happens, happens. I mean she may not be sure what she wants, might just need some time, or maybe you're totally wrong for each other. I don't know your ages either, and if she's really young, she might not be ready yet. I'd say all you can do is be straight forward how you feel, and that you'd like a relationship. I agree though that 3 months is probably too short, and she's not ready yet if she's flipping from wanting to get married immediately to not sure at all.

That's all speaking logically...Emotionally I know it's not that simple. I do wonder if we're wired differently to fall really, really deeply in love. The Tony Attwood book I'm ready right now even says something to the effect that people with AS can be super devoted and loyal.

I wish there was something I could do to make it hurt less. If it means anything though, I honestly do know the insane pain this is causing you and it sounds like others here know it too.

Hey, now that your heart is gone, you're can be a member of Organization XIII!

(Just trying to cheer you up)

Roxas

Im 26 she is 22..

emotionally we have both had or shares of ups and downs so that can be either way...one always tends to come through for the other in an emotionally trying time...

she is extremely intelligent and mature for her age, but very fragile and insecure about me hurting her..

I over exaggerate at times and add to her anxiety by saying long winded speeches which dont always get the results i wish...

truth is ive fallen completely for her aspie or nt, this has taken over my being and i cannot formulate a thought from which her likeness is not far from.....my studies, my passions, and even my family have been placed on the back burner and i dont know if i can stop even if i tried..... i feel alive when we touch, melloncollie when she is not near, and sad when she goes through hardships.... i cannot predict the future but i can only hope she puts her insecurities to rest so that we may someday make our union forever....

I very much understand these feelings of pain... it feels as if your whole world has been ripped to shreds, leaving you utterly confused and aching inside and desperately wanting everything to be back as it was. I almost ended up marrying a man I met over the net quite a few years ago....he was in the USA and had no money behind him. We were planning on going halves to get me there... yeah, utterly unrealistic, I suppose, wit hindsight, but I was off the belief that love could conquer all etc etc. I was ready to drop everything to be with him. Then the s**t hit the fan there and he hit problems...plus he got scared, and that was that. Got an email and he was gone. Devastation. Took me 8 months to get over that one and each time, I swore I would never let myself love anyone again...and each time, it happens again. It seems to be a curse. I can only suggest backing off for now, however painful...give her her space... the pain is difficult, I know that the pain can be very hard to get through and focus off of. Maybe try and think of the old saying that what is meant to be, will be, and if it isn't to be, then it is because it wouldn't have worked and something else awaits you at a later date. Never worked that well for me, but might work for you.

I'm sorry for your heartache

I'm NT and have been married to an aspie for 13 years and 12 days.

We've had our ups and downs but are very happy now.

So, it's just a matter of finding the right person.

The advantages of being in a relationship with an aspie: honesty, loyalty and devotion.