Please help me understand- teen with autism in neighborhood

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There is a teen boy in our neighborhood who is on the spectrum but higher functioning. He roams the neighborhood on his bike and is generally friendly. HOWEVER, when my family and I are out, he attaches himself to us and is particularly interested in my 1-year-old daughter. I know he probably does not mean harm, but he constantly stares and wants to touch her and comments that she is "actually an actress from Coronation Street." I try to be as polite as possible with him, but honestly it is unnerving and I don't know how to handle him. I also have a 4-year-old son but this teen boy is not interested in interacting with him. I don't know the boy's mother, because he always alone. What should I do? Should I be more firm with him, telling him NO touching my daughter? Do I ask for his mother's phone # just to be in touch with her? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or shame anyone. I just want to know the CORRECT way to handle this????? THANK YOU in advance!!


Also want to add I don't ACTUALLY know his diagnosis but I used to work with ASD kids and this boy seems to fit the bill to me... although I am not a trained clinician. (used to work in administration around kids with ASD, so still don't really know the correct way to handle this situation!)

Who says he has autism as opposed to some other disorder? That person that passed that to you should have idea where he lives so you can contact the mother.
You might inquire why he has such an interest in her and which actress on that Soap Opera she could possibly resemble and if that is a positive or negative?

Since soaps rarely have a absolute white hat heroine, I'd be nervous for my child to compared to ANY female character on a soap. Usually they are mean, slu*ty and in line for come-upance. But I'm a broody hen mum.

On other side of that, both my sons were enamored of dainty girls, specially bossy chatty ones. They did not like men much or their peer often. The age of the girls didn't scale with their own growing. They are less likely to have disorders of ADHD and the like that would make them unpleasant memories from mixed classes. Girls don't hold eye contact the same way boys do, by nature we usually have a less inciting expression. My youngest is non verbal my older boy has Asperger's. Yet both shared this trait. My older son is somewhat straightlaced now that he is 18. So it is probably nothing to panic over but getting to know parent since he seems to seek you out more than once is something I suggest highly

You're right @gingerpickles, I don't know his diagnosis. Your input helps a lot! My daughter is really still a baby- she's just 1 and so that makes it more unnerving to me because he seems to not understand she is a baby. He tries to ask her questions like "how did you sleep last night?" or "what movies do you watch?" but she doesn't even know what is happening! I mean, she is aware someone is talking to her but not on that level.

I don't want to insult anyone or hurt anyone's feelings! I wasn't sure if his mother would like being contacted or not. I don't want to contact her to yell at her or anything! I just want to know what I should be doing, I feel clueless! He doesn't pick up on normal social cues and will follow us around even though we are "dropping hints"... he usually won't leave until we SAY "ok, we are done now. We have to go home. We have to go alone. See you another time!"

I would try to find out who the parents are and get to know the family. I would also be firm with him but not mean or aggressive. I might say, "It's ok to look at the baby and say hello but please don't touch her." It is most likely harmless and he might be very childlike in his processing as well meaning that even though he is a teen, he might be much younger than his chronological age. He might not understand what babies actually are. So I would be firm but gentle at the same time. But if he is attaching himself to your family, I think it is crucial to get in touch with the parents and get to know them and more about his condition. It's not necessarily a bad thing that he is doing this but I can understand that it would make you uncomfortable. Getting to know the family and befriending them will help him to be able to learn proper boundaries and you might end up becoming good friends with the family.

Don't worry about hurting the family's feelings. They are parents as well and understand that kind of concern. Just be very honest and gentle with them. He has not done anything wrong. He has not hurt you our your daughter. He actually seems to like her in a very sweet kind of way from what you described. There is no need to yell or be upset. It's just a valid and honest concern.

would probably contact his parents (if you can) or perhaps be a little bit more firm with him, this doesn't really sound like an autism related trait, more like another disorder but you should probably talk to his parents about it

I'll put this here;

Weird =/= autistic

This is my opinion only; my only experience is being a young, autistic male myself. My suggestion would be to approach him and let him know your feelings. Tell him you think he is a good person but the attention he is giving to your young daughter makes you feel anxious. Let him know he is always welcome at your house. It could be something as innocent as he is trying to "oogle" over someone that he sees you treating in the same way; maybe he is just mimicing your behavior. Treat him with respect and kindness and I imagine he will go out of his way to please you.

I agree ^^

If he has not had any experience with a baby before, and that could be possible, he is probably fascinated and just needs to be taught how to be around a baby.

Well, there's your answer: He responds to direct, but gentle reminders about what social skills are expected by you. Most autists like knowing what others want from them in black-and-white terms. No need to get angry or insulting (which I know you never planned to do, anyway), just practice a few "thanks, but we need to go (eat dinner, see a soccer game), now. See you tomorrow!" He will actually be happy to comply. Over time, I suspect he will learn your family's limits, and begin to stay on your good side.

It is really great that you asked here. How you handle him, whether you teach him with gentleness and kindness, or whether you teach him with annoyance and nervousness over his behavior, treating him like a creep, will make a huge difference to him. You have a great opportunity to really make a positive and lasting impact in his life.

THANK YOU everyone! I really am not trying to be insulting at all, and everyone is right that I do not KNOW he is autistic. Like I said, I have been around kids on the spectrum and he seems to act in ways that remind me of the characteristics in some of those kids. Just his mannerisms and his speech patterns. But that doesn't mean that is his diagnosis. I hope I didn't offend anyone with that!

Also to be perfectly candid, I have some history of being a little traumatized by an older male so I'm probably projecting somewhat on this boy and this situation.

I hadn't thought about the fact he might have seen me or others "oogling" over babies and that he thinks this is the way you treat a baby.

I also kind of feel like, I'm sure he doesn't mean harm so I don't want to upset him or shame him but at the same time the staring and especially touching does make me very uncomfortable. I usually go and pick her up if he starts touching her face or hair or something, but I just don't like being on edge around him. You all are right that I probably need to just say directly and politely that it is not ok to touch.

You have not offended anyone, no worries there. You are a protective mom and rightly so. That is part of your job as a mom and especially if you had a bad experience with a man, it's even more understandable. And honestly it does not really matter technically what his diagnosis is, he is who he is and it is good for him to learn what babies are and how to be around them. And no matter what his diagnosis is, we understand that he is a special needs child and should be treated with love and gentleness and extra care to help him understand according to his ability to understand. And that is all good.

And babies should not be touched like that by anyone that the family does not know well and really trust whether that person has special needs or not. But like others have said, he sounds like a nice kid who just needs to be taught things that regular kids by that age usually already know. And if you are direct and gentle with him, he will most likely respond very well. I do have a feeling that he might be extremely young in his ability to understand and to process these kinds of things. I would definitely take a very firm but very loving and gentle approach with him.

Thank you, Skibum! I appreciate your time and your words very much!

You are very welcome. I am glad to help. I really hope this will turn out to be a wonderful experience for all of you and that this boy will really benefit from it. And Welcome to WP!

First of all, I think it's a really good idea to try and find out who his parents are. One thing that comes to my mind is that his parents may not even know he is has ASD or anything else. So you should try to ask them first, in a polite way, if they know if he has something. (I can't tell you of a sentence you can say, because I'm really bad at making up polite sentences ) And if they don't know anything, you should tell them that you have worked with kids with ASD and that he fits some of the criteria. That way, you could really help him improve his quality of life.

Secondly, I'll tell you my own experience. I've always loved kids (like in maternal instinct), since I was a kid myself. When I was around 9, I was kind of obsessed with babies, and I used to "hang out" with one in my neighbourhood. I remember I would always touch her nose everytime I saw her. But one day, her father told me to stop doing that, because her nose was becoming red. I felt a bit sad but I stopped doing it.
So I don't know if that boy has ASD, but maybe you should talk to him very calmly and explain as best as you can why you don't like his behavior.

Yeah, like Lisa said, it can be a very sensitive moment. I would start by telling him that you feel that he really cares for your daughter and that you appreciate the fact that he does. I would tell him that it is healthier and safer for the baby if she is not touched too much. So let's not touch her so that we can keep her safer. And that is actually true. That way he won't feel that you are "yelling" at him or like he did something terrible or wrong, and he will probably want to feel like he is protecting her anyway.

And I totally agree with Lisa about approaching the parents from the perspective of a person who has worked with ASD children. In fact, that is how I first found out I was Autistic. I had no idea what Autism was and I was pulled aside by someone who had befriended me and gotten to know me because he could tell right away that I was Autistic. He had spent ten years working with Autistic children in a hospital on the pediatric psych ward. He pulled me aside and asked me if I knew I was on the Spectrum. Of course I had no idea and that is when he first started to teach me about it. Then I researched it and eventually got diagnosed.

I would, just like Lisa said, first tell them about your work and then tell them that he has been spending a lot of time with your family and you were wondering if he was on the Spectrum because of what you have noticed in him. I would tell them that because he is very attached to your family that you would love to be able to understand him better and be able to be helpful and supportive to him and to them. I am sure that that approach will help open up a dialogue with them. If they are combative, you might have to then consider limiting the time he spends with you and your children so that he does not become overly attached.