Could my boyfriend be borderline Aspie?

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I've been with him for nearly 2 years, and I've noticed some little ways about him what seem quite Aspie-ish.

First he said that when he was small he was so shy that he would hide whenever too many people came to his house. Both his brothers weren't like this at all. He also said that he was nerdy when he got to a teenager, and didn't like doing the things other teenagers (including his brothers) did. He was nervous as a youngster and got stringed along by previous girlfriends.

Even now people boss him around, and he is unsure of how to stop them. His mate even got him into debt.

He is a good, decent person, but he seems to lack theory of mind, like if he's knowledgeable about something he thinks others are and expects them to know what he knows.
He gets hyperfocused on things, likes things to be lined up in an exact order, and is excellent at memorizing numbers. He is a rather logical thinker, and often misses social implications, and I can tell that frustrates him.
He is still rather shy, and speaks very quietly when in a group, although he is friendly and can be talkative.
I also noticed that he doesn't express his feelings as well as I do. He can come across as aloof, and doesn't often verbally communicate his feelings. But I can read him like a book, and so I know that he loves me just as much as I love him.

I mean, he might just be a sensitive, quirky NT. Plus he's the first man I've fallen in love with, so maybe it is just a man thing to be a bit less open about emotions than women are. He has good emotional empathy, which ain't so common in NT men, but he has less cognitive empathy, and in my experience, cognitive empathy is a social skill that most NTs typically have.

So what do you think? Could he have some AS traits? Again, maybe it's just his way.

Have you brought it up to him yet? What does he think?

No one here can give a diagnosis. Only an appropriately-trained mental-health professional can tell for sure.

Non-Aspies can have Aspie traits, just as Aspies can have non-Aspie traits.

I haven't mentioned ASD to him, as he might be offended. I mean I would hate somebody asking me if I'm AS. Luckily for me my AS is so subtle and mild, that nobody has ever guessed AS, I've only had people saying to me that they think I have ADHD. I don't think my boyfriend has heard of AS, so I don't really want to start bringing that up. I've never told him about my AS. He thinks I have ADD.

I often see threads here asking "could I/loved one have AS?" so it's not asking you to diagnose, it's just discussion.
But, he could very well be an NT with some Aspie traits, like I feel I am Aspie with NT traits.

You have been around here long enough to know those are autistic traits. Whatever his condition people are bossing him around so it is impairing his life so he needs to find out.

I might break a few social rules and maybe WP rules here but by not telling him this important information about you have put both of yourselves in bad spot. By letting him think you have ADD in that way you have been stringing him along. I know you are ashamed of and not sure of your diagnosis so you should have told him that. He might view AS and thus you in a negative light, that is something you need to know before you get married and have a family with him. He might well know about AS after all he knows about ADD. It might be he suspects it or even has been diagnosed but fears telling you for the same reasons you fear telling him so he has been trying to give you hints. Maybe he needs his loved one suggesting AS to him so he can take the steps needed to find out. I don't know, but you guys need to get over this obstacle.

Rant over, good luck

I don't think I will start new threads in the GAD any more, as it's always the wrong thing, even though members like ASS-P can start countless threads of sob stories of his very unstable life and he always gets well-listened to and sympathy, and nobody throwing criticism at him or mentioning his length of time here or hinting hypocrisy in his OPs.

Rant over.

Things I've read over the years, and here on WP, seem to suggest that sometimes people on the spectrum can often be unconsciously drawn to other people who also happen to be on the spectrum, whether either party actually knows it or not, and whether or not either party are even diagnosed people.

Those are pretty spectrum like traits so who knows. He could be NT with spectrum traits, he could be some other diagnosis with resembling traits, he could be undiagnosed on-the-spectrum like you suspect. Who knows unless he seeks to find out.

I would be very careful about bringing it up though. You yourself have not disclosed your own diagnosis to him; raising the issue would mean that ethically you kind of need to fess up to him about yours too. Can you really picture prompting him to go through the entire process of adult diagnosis while continuing to keep it from him that you are diagnosed already?

I know you don't want to discuss that but it will play into the issue if you ever raise this issue with him regarding himself.

Also it's a lot to deal with for an adult to be faced with the idea that they might be on the autism spectrum.

Contrary to popular and cynical belief around here, most adults suspecting they need to be evaluated are usually in a little bit of shock at the prospect of having to re-frame their entire self-concept, even if it might be a relief too.

You are contemplating forcing your boyfriend to confront things that have caused him difficulty throughout his life but which the reason why -- IF autism is the reason why -- could be actually very shocking to him.

I was shocked, not pleased, and not even all that relieved for a long while.

If it's sympathy you want, then post in The Haven. If instead you want honest and open discussions about your situation, then post in GAD.

That's all there is to it.

First off, I'm self-diagnosed (though I plan to seek out a professional diagnosis before the end of summer) so my opinion is just that - an opinion. Backed up by a lot of research, and personal experience. But, I definitely second the advice that you should tell your boyfriend about your own AS. I just think back on my current relationship, and how rough things got due to communication issues and misunderstandings which could have been avoided if we knew back then I likely have Asperger's.

And if he does truly love you, if he is someone who is worth having a long-term relationship with, he will still accept you, right? And, he'll do research to help him understand you better, and in doing that, will likely start to see those aspie-like traits in himself. Or give you a good opening to bring up your own observations - maybe not even to tell him you think he has it, but to go - 'hey, here's some common ground.'

And, as others have stated, it seems rather dishonest to make him to go through the struggles of that potential self-discovery on your prompting, only to hide the fact that you've been through it yourself. It's not a criticism, just... a friendly warning. If there's anything I've learned these past two years since realizing I probably have AS, it's that open communication and honesty are CRUCIAL in making a relationship work. For everyone, obviously, but I imagine that's especially the case if one (or both!) partners has autism.

I think it would be great if you could "come out" to your boyfriend while he's also "coming out."

That would be a relationship made in heaven. You're dealing with the same stuff at the same time.

Has his daughter come to live with him yet?

I never said I was going to get him assessed for a diagnosis. It was just a thought that's been going through my head, about noticing subtle spectrum traits in him.

He's 20 years older than me, and most people of that age aren't diagnosed or haven't even been recognized unless they have more obvious symptoms. So I'm not going to just suddenly bring it upon him. It might not even be AS traits. That was why I wanted to ask what other Aspies here thought. WP is a place I come to express AS-related thoughts anonymously with other Aspies, not always necessarily beg for concrete answers for my offline life.

I don't like disclosing my AS to people because of these shooters and serial killers who claim they have autism. I don't want my boyfriend to think he's dating someone who might lash out with a knife one day when he least expects it.

Most people don't associate autism with serial killers and that ilk.

Because that wouldn't make sense. Most serial killers were not autistic, or claimed to be autistic.

They tend to associate serial killers more with socio/psychopathic tendencies.

Joe,

We have been posting in the same threads for almost 3 years now so in a way I do feel I know you. I do think you are a very good person and I sincerely want this relationship to succeed for you. I have made mistakes similar to what I think you are making and have suffered the consequences. To clear something up I believe if there is going to be any disclosing it should be you to him about your diagnosis and your fears about your diagnosis first. Discussing your issues here is important, baring your soul to someone you love takes it to a whole another level.

But I am just some dude on the internet, you are an adult and it is your relationship, do what you feel is best.

No hard feelings I hope. Cheers

Hey Joe

You scored a coup! I've never seen ASPartofMe reach out to a person like that.

He's a good guy. And a smart guy.

I don't think he meant any harm at all.

Please don't be upset with him.