Could my partner have ASD?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone,

I'll try to keep it short. I have been in a long distance relationship with a boy I met online a couple of months ago. We met eachother several times and have the best time together. However some of his behaviour seems 'odd' to me and I've been thinking a lot about it recently. I didn't mention it to him because I don't know if he knows, or is even diagnosed. It would just help me to understand how to interact with him or understand his behaviour. He is 18 years old, started 1st year in University and lives with his parents. We started talking online first because we share the same interest in an online game. Since I got to know him better I found out this is all he does in his free time, he doesn't have any friends, never goes out, just stays in his room all day every day gaming(except when he goes to school) and told me he thinks he is better off alone and doesnt want to depend on others. When we met in person for the first time I thought he was crazy (no offense), he had all these weird mannerisms, excessive facial expressions and makes eye contact all the time, he never looks away, even when we were kissing he kept his eyes open and looked at me.
Conversations are mostly just me asking questions and him answering, mostly short ex: "how did your presentation go? Fine." and if I don't ask anything else he leaves it at that. One time I didn't ask about something I wanted to know, hoping he would tell me about it himself which he didnt. So I ask why he didnt just tell me and he replied 'Well you didn't ask, so". We hardly ever have real deep conversations because it is really hard for me to keep asking things and getting short replies, but I know he has real interests, like art (which he studies now), can draw really beautiful, likes to read, .. But just doesn't talk about it.
He also has trouble talking about his emotions, he completely shuts down when we have an argument. He seems to be sad and feeling alone a lot, this is what he tells me anyway but when I want to get into it more he stops talking or tells me it doesn't matter and changes the subject or just stops talking all together for some hours. Then he comes back like nothing happened.
Despite all this we have a really good time together, we enjoy talking and hanging out and there is definitely a real connection between is.
There is more but these are the most obvious to me. Does it sound like me might have ASD? Or something else?

Thanks for reading!

Edit: another thing I noticed is that when we plan our time together, he always wants to make lists with things to do so we don't forget. I'll see him next weekend and he wants to make a detailed list of all activities we want to do 'so we don't forget something'. It seemed weird to me, because I don't think it would be so important to forget something as long as we are together. But he insists on making it.

There are some things there that might indicate ASD but the eye-contact thing could well rule it out.

True, I thought maybe he picked up that eye contact is important and just keeps doing it even when it becomes inappropriate. But then again, idk,.. So could be anything.

You're right, the eye contact is excessive, it could well be something he's learnt.

I thought it too. The rest would fit.

So if it could be ASD, are there certain things i should do/not do when interacting? Like sometimes I find it exhausting trying to keep conversations going, asking questions all the time and I wonder if it feels the same for him? Or is he glad I try to make conversation instead of having awkward silences?

Agree that excessive eye contact could be as much of an indicator as not holding any. For a period of freshman year I tried to always make eye contact, particularly with a crush that I had, and didn't go back to avoiding it until he pointed out that it seemed like I was always staring at him/into his eyes.
The rest also seem to be pretty clear indicators, albeit the kind that could pass under the conventional, stereotype-based radar.

He probably wants to make conversation but doesn't know how to carry it on, even with all of the effort you put into instigating it. Have you tried angling your questions differently? Do you ask things that can be answered with more than a yes or no? Through this you could ask for more elaboration. You could also (gently) tell him your difficulties with this outright. Direct communication is so important, especially for we who miss a lot of social cues.

Thanks! Yes I had the feeling he really wants me to take the lead in conversations and ask questions or tell things although often when I tell him personal things/interests or stories about my past he again answers very short and it feels to me like he isn't interested. Sometimes when I'm too tired to talk much, and he doesn't know what to say he just spams emoji in our chat, trying to initiate more conversation and then I'll start talking again.
I just feel like sometimes I handle things wrong because I have no experience with this.

He probably feels the same, I wouldn't expect a 20yo computer game geek to have much expirience in dealing with girls - even without ASD You seem to be doing pretty well, IMO.

Thanks I try to be understanding but sometimes it gets to me and I feel sooo tired. I'm his first girlfriend ever, he didn't have any experience.

I would only add: don't sacrifice your friendships or social life and accept his need to be alone sometimes. And good luck!

Thank you so much ^^ I noticed already sometimes he doesn't want to talk, so he just reads my message and ignores it for a while. At first it made me anxious and sending more messages. Now I learnt to just shut up then and he'll come back after some time when he wants to. I don't know what he's doing during this time, he never really talks about it but I guess he just needs to be alone?

I think the eye contact thing is over played. I know lots of autistic people who make eye contact. Personally I never know quite how long I should make it for but I certainly make it. I was with two autistic students today and both made eye contact. Some people on the spectrum make excessive eye contact, perhaps an over compensation, but perhaps it’s just how autism is for them. I wear sunglasses a lot when I am outside the house. I don’t enjoy bright light of any kind, electric or otherwise. They don’t just filter the light they also bring my anxiety levels down and I get to decide if and how I make eye contact

Last edited by Voxish on 02 Oct 2017, 3:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Excessive eye contact is a symptom of autism. Hyposensitivity exists too, you know!

Sorting thoughts out, I would say. Autistic brain doesn't easily sort the input it gets (I noticed NTs miss lots of details on a very early stage of processing information but somehow automatically look for the big picture... I don't), you remember all the details and need to sort them out more conciously not to get overloaded. It requires time and solitude - even the loved ones provide too much distraction.

Last edited by magz on 02 Oct 2017, 4:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.