"You're acting more like textbook Autistics" -Mom

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She points to the "fact" that I was precocious at understanding personal relationships when I was four. When I was four, I also had sensory issues, fixations, and especially, a strong desire to be a "normal girl". I had a few friends, and eccentricities were expected of me.

By five, I had no friends. Kids realized I was different. They excluded me. I tried harder to fit in, but I was shy. In first grade, I was happy to jump on the couch instead of join a girl at her birthday party in the basement. (And the girls hated me being there.) I also preferred the company of adults. I had routines to follow, strange rituals to do.

I was diagnosed at ten. By middle school, I'd given up being "normal" and was "weird". I was mocked endlessly by girls, and some boys. I had no friends in 7th grade. 8th grade was a lot of stuff, but I started stimming then, which got me more hate.

For the first year or so of high school, I stimmed obtrusively in class, talked to myself, couldn't wear a bra, and instead of socializing after lunch, ran in circles in the gym, talking to myself. Kids hated me, called me a "ret*d".

Sophomore or Freshman summer, my diagnosis of Asperger's became very important to me. I realized my difficulties with reciprocity, which was one reason I couldn't make friends.

My mom is implying that I am subconsciously "trying" to be more Autistic for some reason. That this is fake.

For one thing, I used to be obsessed with being normal. I fantasized endlessly about it. Then, I stopped, and acted more naturally after my diagnosis. In addition, being a 17-year old socially able person is much harder than being a 5-year old socially able person! And with no friends now, when I only had very few before, I have no practice!

Finally, I just have to add that I think my skills are getting better. My ability to detect socially appropriate behavior I can see improving. I can look back a year ago and think, "I know all these social rules now that I didn't before, I'd never do that again."

My mom is undermining my identity and I can't prove her wrong!

I had always mimicked people and tried fitting in and having friends and as I got older it got harder to relate to my peers due to change of interests and the fact they were just maturing faster than me. I was also trying to be normal and trying to figure out how to act and what the rules are and then I got to middle school and I stopped trying to be normal and copying other kids and started to be more myself. I just accepted the fact I was different and I quit trying to have friends because we didn't have anything in common and I was bored with socializing. Then I learned what Asperger's meant and it explained why kids thought I was weird and why I got obsessions and why I was so immature and behind my peers and the fact why I had troubles fitting in. My mom also says I tried to be Asperger's. It wouldn't be a problem if she said that about me as a 16 year old because I was using it as an excuse then and not even trying to control myself when I am upset and having anxiety and the fact I thought everything should go my way. But because she says I was trying to be aspie in 6th grade, 7th, 8th and 9th I find it very insulting. I told her how can that even be possible if I didn't even know what it was. Then she changed her answer too "When did we meet Frankie?" I said "August, 2000" and she said "that's when you started to get worse." She also claimed I was trying to be him and I have no idea what she was talking about. I wasn't even copying him. I noticed we had things in common like we both talked at each other and liked saying lines from movies and we both got fixated on things but I was doing these things before I had met him. It feels like she is trying to gaslight me.

If I was trying to be anything as a child, it was ODD and trying to be "normal." She would mind as well accuse me of trying to be anxiety or OCD or having an adjustment disorder or delayed stress reaction or whatever she calls it, or depression. And what if she never told me about Asperger's in 6th grade and junior high and my freshman year of high school? Then she would have to find another blame. Would she accuse me of trying to be different? Hard to say. I often feel she uses it against me. And I thought I was going crazy when I was getting worse but this seems common in ASD people because of hormones teens go through. But then it got better again when I got passed my teens. I was passed the teen phase and those hormones.

You are not trying to be Aspie-Autistic, you are an Aspie-Autistic person who has stopped trying so hard to be who you are not.

You and your mom agree on two things: that your behavior changed around the time you were diagnosed, and that it changed away from the NT to the autistic.

Your mom thinks that you're putting on an act now, you are probably right that the way you were acting before the dx was "the act".

So I agree with you that your mom is wrong.

But here is the thing. Your diagnosis is supposed to be a tool to help you to better fit in, not an excuse to not fit in, and to not function in society.

So you and your mom need to get on the same page to use the dx, not to stop working, but to work smarter.

It can be exhausting and lonely and confusing to try to fit somehow. Sometimes I think I wouldn't be that much lonelier if I just gave the world the complete package, repetitive verbal nonsense stimming and everything that goes with it. It seems unfair that we have to do all the work for the benefit of NTs if we want to have any part of their society, which is why some people don't even try. I'm so sorry. I can only say I understand.

You can tell her what people here have said. I am an autism researcher. I study adults on the autism spectrum. You can tell her that I said that people entering and in the middle of young adulthood seem to be in the most difficult period of their lives. Sorry for the spoiler alert, since you're going into that phase. :/

What happens is that when people are entering adulthood, they are expected to function socially and physically in many different life areas- so at work, taking care of a home environment, friends, a romantic relationship. Plus school or school instead of a work environment for some people. It's like taking a crash course in social skills in all of these arenas. No one can possibly be ready. Plus, you are literally shocked and exhausted by all the responsibilities and life changes at once. It's like a boot camp for auties and aspies.

By the time you approach thirty, so maybe in your late twenties, you will have maybe not "mastered" all of this, but reached "proficiency." You'll be about level with neurotypicals, except perhaps with more education and experience already. By the time you reach 40, you should have already started doing better than those around you. Fairly smooth sailing from then on. Just looking at numbers at least. You should have a job, a house, a partner, kids/pets, on your way to retirement.

So things will be fine for you with a typical autistic life course. It will just not look exactly like a neurotypical life course and it will be harder before it gets better, but then it's a steady climb from there.

Yeah, I did the same thing when I stopped being in denial about my disorders. I stopped trying to hard to act normal and as such ended up acting more autistic.