Jamesbell wrote:
Sorry for such little information. My stepson is on the high functioning spectrum to date ,but that was not always the case. He was non verb up until the age of 5.Currently he attends college for culinary arts. But there are things that are still present that worries both his mom,and I. Things like the abuse verb and physical.Also wearing the same clothes for literally two weeks straight and get aggressive when it's brought to his attention. He also has horrible eating habits like drinking pancake syrup, and eating dry Ramen noodles. When he cant get his way, he throws a tantrum and starts to break stuff in the house(all except his own). I constantly see the fight that my fiancée has with her son that she loves so much,and I would like nothing more than to assist her in getting help for her and my soon to be son.
OK. That's more to go on.
His history of not being verbal until 5 is irrelevant. We all develop at different rates. That was his. I'm glad he's found a way to use words to communicate. It makes life easier in a lot of ways.
As a step Dad, you have two priorities - separate what matters from what is none of your business, and create a safe and loving home for your mixed family.
That stuff about your son's cloths and the food he eats - that's largely none of your business. Its true that people are going to respond to him poorly if he gets all smelly. And its also true that the food you eat will impact your mood. But its not hurting you directly. This is his body and his autonomy. Get yourself out of it. There is only pain down that road.
My personal strategy with clothing is to find something that works for most of my activities and buy 3 three pairs. One for wearing, one for washing, and one to be worn tomorrow. Then I just wear that to death until I decide I'm ready for something new. That way, I stay clean and I don't have to think about cloths so much. As a 41 year old, I'm WAY more aware of how odor affects how other people respond to me than I was as a 25 year old. If the clothing issue isn't about simplicity for him, but autonomy, its an issue you need to let go. He actually does have the right to be smelly if he wants to. If that's the only way he has to declare his adulthood, its a really bad idea to get in the way of it.
My advice would be to apologize to him for nagging him on these things and acknowledge that its his choice. I would also offer to buy him clothing or help him in other ways if he decides on his own that he would like to clean up his act. Also, with the food. Young men eat crap. The usually get away with it until they are 30 or so and then the s**t hits the fan with their health. Cooking healthy meals and eating them yourself will set a good example. Inviting him to join you will keep the door open should he decide he wants to eat better.
Now, on the other hand, the breaking things and yelling at you are not acceptable. He's a grown man and he is legally responsible for his actions. Not holding him accountable is infantalizing. It's at odds with his natural needs to be an autonomous man.
Autistic people are going to have meltdowns, no matter how old they are. Part of our growing up means that we have to learn how to deal with them. I'm 41 years old and I have a weighted blanket. I have teas and a few meds I take on VERY rare occation to calm myself down. I have Star Trek, which I watch obsessively when I need soothing. Your step son needs a list like this. Occupational Therapists specialize in helping people develop these these lists. You can hire one to consult with an adult, or you can read books/blogs on the matter. Just make sure your don't hire a kid's OT and put him in a kid's OT gym. That's humiliating.
Its really important for you to recognize when your step son is in a meltdown and not to get in the way of his self-soothing. When we are in meltdown, our higher brains turn off. We do not have logic. We do not have the ability to process your "talking it out" with us. We just need to calm down and listening to a new well-intentioned step parent ain't gonna help. Leave him be for a set amount of time. Make sure you ALWAYS bring the subject back up later, when he's able to listen. If he starts to ramp up every time you speak to him, no matter how much cool down time you've given him, he needs professional help from a therapist. If this is the case, its probably true that he will not be able to stay in your house. If you don't know how to broach the subject with him later, you need help from a family therapist. (And I do mean YOU need the help. You should be seeing the therapist.)
The thing is, as a 25 year old, he's at the age where young people move out. I understand that with his challenges, that's going to be difficult for him. A lot of us can't handle school and a job at the same time. Money is a big issue. But having a 25 year old man in your home is asking for fights. You can't keep treating him like a little boy. He's not yours to "raise" anymore. With the right moves, you might become a trusted confidant. But you'll never be able to parent him like you would have 20 years ago.
16 Jul 2016, 7:13 am
