Partner's behaviour during 'meltdowns'

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Hi there, I just got married to my long-term boyfriend, who has Asperger's. He has a fairly normal life with plenty of friends but maybe once or twice a year if he gets very stressed or upset he gets what can only be described as a meltdown. We got married last weekend and stayed in the hotel for three nights afterwards. The last night when I was in bed around 12.30 he came up upset because his mother, who had come over from abroad for the wedding, had started complained about some details of the weddng she wasn't happy about and had been crying. I got grumpy and said 'I don't care what your mother thinks!' Then he got upset and said something biting like 'How sympathetic!' and in his usual intense way told me what her problems was... the details aren't really important. I suffer ffrom panic attacks, and hadn't got one in a long time, but started crying and hyperventilating. i tried to go out on the balcony of the hotel but he physically restrained me and I couldn't move. This sent me into a total panic.
Ever since I can't get it out of my head. The next day he said he had been holding me from going out because he was afraid of what I would do like jump off the balcony, which I would hardly do over something his mother said! He apologised and said he would never hurt me, and indeed he never seems controlling normally.
The only other time something strange happened was a few months ago when we had an argument and when we got bak to his house he had locked the door and I couldn;t get in, and he said he wouldn't let me in till I apologised. i got upset and told him I was driving home (we share a car). He shouted out that if I took the car he would call the police. The next day again he was very apologetic and explained that he had said the first thing that came into his head because he was frightened I was leaving him.
Otherwise the past few years he has been very respectful. I was wondering if someone with in-depth knowledge of Asperger's psychology could tell me what they think of this? I'd appreciate any insight (but not unqualified comments telling me 'break up with him!')

Are you neurotypical? A person who is not autistic?

To many people on the autism spectrum, the behavior of non-autistic people is as confusing and wild as a colorful exotic bird. They don't know what we're going to do next, and it can be scary.

It might be a good idea for you to explain things that you do to your husband as they happen. What your feelings and motivations are behind your actions. This might help him to relax and get to know you a little better on a deeper level. You should ask him to do the same for you.

Then the most important part is that you both have to try really hard to accommodate each other. For you, it needs to be all about him, and for him, it needs to be all about you. You can't sit about and worry if you are getting 40% and giving 60%. You just give everything you can to the other person, while doing your best to communicate to them what is going on with you.

*I am neurotypical, married to an autistic man who I have known for 22 years, and I study autism from a sociological, neurodiversity perspective.

I'm NT. That does sound like good advice.

id say thats good advise, to explain an autistic persons mind set (as i am myself), imagine encountering a person who is completely crazy, he or she does things randomly, like you say "do you want a cup of tea?" and then suddenly they jump off the nearest bridge into the water, swim to the edge and then start doing star jumps, then running back to you and saying "no thanks". you literally have no idea why on earth he or she did that, you don't know if they are going to do it again, but then you ask them later the same question, but this time they just say "yes please" like normal. completely confusing, and there seems like theres no rules to their behavior at all, and when you try to apply rules to how they behave, they constantly break them but then abide the next time after that, or then not at all.


if that makes any sense haha. in short its a good idea to explain why your reacting like that, like sort of apply logic to it, like going "i am reacting/going to react this way because of these events, and so that means i have to react like this" or "this is how i intend to react" as it sort of puts an air of predictability, and predictability is a very safe feeling thing to have.

not sure if this helps or even adds to the other points but um.......there you go? or did i just ramble like a crazy person...and now its awkward?