Getting bullied out of the town where I live

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Hi, this is the first time I'm writing here, I wonder if anyone could give me advice. Even just sympathy would be helpful at this point!

Two years ago I moved to a smallish town in the UK. I volunteered on and off at this charity cafe because it was a great way to make new friends. It was the best place for me to meet like minded open minded people, and for the first time in my life I was actually part of a group, and everyone was nice to me which is rare because normally people sense quickly that I'm odd/different, and this was the first time my 'weirdness' was seen in a positive way.

Early this year one of the full time staff members befriended me (let's call him B) and we went on some dates for a few weeks. He kept telling me that I should try harder with my social skills, even though I tried to explain my diagnosis of high-functioning autism. He also said he's not looking for a relationship, so I ended up breaking it off. Shortly after I started dating another man who was a regular customer of the cafe.

Then at the end of May me and my new boyfriend went to the cafe (we hadn't been there for months tho we used to go there pretty much weekly even way before we were a couple). This former date B was working and threw us out in front of everybody. It was so embarrassing I had a two hour meltdown just crying and wailing at home. I later called the manager to ask what was going on, and the manager said that B doesn't know why but he 'feels uneasy' to see me there and feels that I 'will be causing trouble' if I start coming back there like I used to. He asked that I wouldn't come back anymore during B's shifts.

So, I didn't. A month ago me and boyfriend got invited there by a few friends, and when we explained the situation they said not to worry because B was not on shift. So we went. As we were sitting there having a discussion, one of the female members of staff came to throw us out again in front of everyone. I tried to ask why, because it wasn't B's shift. She kept asking us to leave in an aggressive fashion and threatened to call the police, so we left.

We then wrote a letter of complaint to the directors. But since then, things have gotten even worse. None of the directors have gotten back to us, but lots of people who we thought were our friends, have unfriended us on Facebook and blank us if they see us in town. We have basically become the most hated people in this town's alternative scene, and what is worse is that everyone knows each other.

I feel our social lives have been ruined. What can we do? This has made me very disillusioned with people - the way they like you one moment and the next they turn their backs on you without even wanting to hear your side of the story.

I have told the facts here as clearly as I can. Only yesterday another former friend said 'surely you have done something wrong, they wouldn't be acting like this otherwise'. But we haven't.

I feel socially isolated and me and my boyfriend have started to talk about moving to another town and trying to get jobs there. It's a shame, as we liked this town a lot before all this started happening. I'm also not sure how soon we could afford to move.

A friend of mine said that the way we have been treated may be against the anti-discrimination laws, because of the former date's stereotyping of me as someone who 'will cause trouble' even though I never have.

This situation is bringing us down. I am thankful for any views on this subject as it is isolating enough as it is, let alone not being able to talk about it with almost anyone.

Oh boy. This guy sounds like he's got a serious chip on his shoulder simply because you started dating another man. You need to find out what he's been saying about you, I'm sure that there's something that you can sue somebody over (possibly the even the Cafe'), whether it's defamation or something else.

Jono - thanks for your reply. I feel quite trapped and socially isolated, and my boyfriend is feeling it too. It has never been easy for me to make friends, and now to have most of my friendships affected by this....

I would think a case of sexual harrasment, discrimination or something similar could be made if this guy is refusing service and spreading tales about you after you broke things off with him?

At the very least your actions outside the cafe should have no bearing on you being served in the cafe.

This guy is obviously an a**hole. So sorry you have to go through this. I hope you find a happy solution.

Thanks Forester, means a lot to get support on this. So hard not to start thinking 'there must be something wrong with me' when suddenly most of the cool gang who run this town's alternative scene turn on me and my boyfriend. But that's what bullies make you feel like.

I'm trying to not let my self esteem be wrecked by this, but it's hard. Your comments mean a lot.

I'm not just looking for sympathy, by the way. Readers, do chip in also if you think I have done something wrong here. I cannot see what though, and nothing has been reported back to me, except that the guy B has a 'personality clash' with me.

You don't have to leave your town unless they start planning to kill you. I think over time people won't bully you anymore because they will find more drama to talk about.

It sounds like B is spreading bad rumours about you. If it turns out to be so, you can file a lawsuit against him for defamation.

hey, thanks for the replies.

thing with defamation is that I don't know *what* B is saying about me, only that it must be something bad. do i need to know the specs of what is being said?

it is so reassuring to hear your views.

Well of course you would need to investigate as without evidence you cannot win a defamation lawsuit. It might take weeks until you find something out, then if you have a witness, you can have that witness testify. So it may prove a bit difficult but not impossible.

If you could sue someone for saying nasty things behind your back then the courts would have no time to deal with murderers and terrorists as they'd be full of people suing someone for saying they looked fat in those jeans. For a defamation suit to win you would have to prove *real* losses (ie you lost money, lost your job etc), and have those losses be substantial.

Anyway, onto the matter at hand. It seems like this guy is well liked and regarded so people are siding with him regardless of the right and wrong of the situation. Unfortunately small, close-nit communities are often like that and you can easily find yourself ostracised. It seems to me it's just that his pride and ego was hurt seeing you with someone else and he reacted pretty badly and childishly and used his status in the community to bully you.

This isn't going to rectify itself overnight, but maybe in time moods will cool and people will drift back to you, or maybe after some time this guy might be willing to talk it over and clear the air.

'It seems like this guy is well liked and regarded so people are siding with him regardless of the right and wrong of the situation. Unfortunately small, close-nit communities are often like that and you can easily find yourself ostracised. It seems to me it's just that his pride and ego was hurt seeing you with someone else and he reacted pretty badly and childishly and used his status in the community to bully you.'

Exactly this!

I guess the worst emotional hurt for me comes in when it's a charity for liberal causes and everyone there is either a liberal, communist, social justice warrior, spiritualist or all of the above. I thought people would be less inclined to do the typical mob mentality thing when they explicitly praise uniqueness, free thinking, and whatnot.

I find this so disheartening that I believed what they portrayed themselves to be and got burnt like this and they still go around touting these values without any degree of self reflection

I used to be a hermit, and then I found this community, and now I often feel like 'f**k it, I'm done with humans, all I need is my boyfriend and my cats and the wifi, everyone else can f**k off',

but that's a depressing thought too as I have come to find out that having social support has really helped me lessen my depression...