Hello! Dad of Asperger's Child here...

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Hi.

I'm the dad of a 14 year old diagnosed within the last year with Apserger's. Because of behavioral issues she has seen a therapist since she was 4 and a psychiatrist since she was 7. She had been misdiagnosed for years until recently when both her new therapist and the school psychologist diagnosed her with Asperger's, something I had long suspected but my suggestion was long cast aside by all the "professionals" who immediately jumped on the bipolar and mood disorder diagnosis because of family history.

She is a bright girl but obviously because of her condition has trouble relating and making friends which turns into severe anxiety at school. She has been primarily homebound schooled the last two years. She was starting high school this year where me wife teaches and we were hopeful that it would work out. The first two days seemed to go fine but this morning she just refused to go, claiming anxiety. She has every conceivable concession in place via her IEP. We really don't want to go the homebound route again and neither does she. And the school district seems ill equipped to deal with this situation and of course has no idea why we can't "just get her there."

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her get to school? Normally if we can just get her in the door she is ok. It is just getting her there.

Thanks!

Hi, Aspiedad,

I feel you have a most pertinent question, and reflects things that many parents go through with their children on the Spectrum.

Have you asked her the actual cause of her anxiety? Is it a specific kid? Or a teacher?

How is she doing academically? I hope she's on a conventional diploma path, rather than on a path to the IEP Diploma.

I'm thinking: Maybe you should post this in the Parents' Section, or go to Wrongplanet.net, Moderator Attention, and asked this to be moved to the Parents' Section, for I believe you will receive more responses if you should post there.

I will also post on the parents section. Thanks.

Yes she is on a conventional diploma path at this time which we had to fight tooth and nail for.

There seems to be nothing specific. Mostly she complains about not knowing what to do in social interactions (although she appears to be making friends and says she much prefers it to middle school) and there are a couple of classes where she says the people are "too loud."

If she's actually making friends, she's doing quite well, really.

Did you have trouble with anxiety when you went to school? Perhaps you could relate your stories of how you overcame it?

I have some pretty legit reasons for not wanting to go to school, including generalized anxiety. But sometimes my parents have had to play hardball and basically force me. Life has to have consequences.

[Obligatory procedural note from a moderator]
Please don't post this question again in the Parents section. That would be cross-posting, which is against the rules.
If you would prefer that this conversation continue there, ask a mod to move it there instead of creating a duplicate topic there. Thanks![/moderator note]

I am also the dad of a 14 year old girl with ASD who was misdiagnosed for years. She is also having huge problems attending school and was given home instruction by the County for much of last year after she became suicidal as a result of school stresses. That crisis precipitated her finally getting the right diagnosis when the school required her to get a psychiatrists note to return to school after she had talked about wanting to die and running into traffic.

My sense is that school thought she was lying, being dramatic for effect and malingering and wanted the psychiatrist to confirm that. Instead, he diagnosed her with ASD and told them to provide a new IEP with all sorts of specific provisions for managing her sensory issues, anxiety and problems with bullying from students and staff.

It's a question whether the new IEP will work for the coming year. She is starting her freshman year in high school so we don't really know what to expect. We are hoping the new IEP and new school will work for her, if it doesn't we are going to have to go through finding an out-of-district alternative and then compel the district to pay for that, which requires getting a lawyer involved.

I wish it could be simple, but it is not.

I wish I knew how to motivate her to get herself going and to try, but I don't know how. I read EzraS's comment and wondered what consequences were discussed and what "basically forciing" means. My daughter is already depressed and suicidal. What approaches are there to compelling a person in that frame of mind to do something she doesn't want to do? What can you do that doesn't do as much harm as good?

I'm sorry I can't do more than commiserate. If we find any effective and helpful approaches this year, I will share them with you.

Good luck to you and your family.

Sorry, Adamantium. My fault this time. I should have told the OP to post in the Parents' Section, then ask a Moderator to delete this post.

It seems as if he's getting more responses here, anyway.

Hi

I had the same thing, anxiety of school, and almost total hatred of being there all day long, every day, until I graduated. I never overcame it.

I agree that there appears to be no easy solution and the year might still turn out ok. I really feel this is her best shot because she knows the school, walks in with my wife and has known many of the staff her whole life.

She has made good strides in the last year socially, sometimes asking my mother in law to take her to church so she can go to Sunday School to be with other kids, and she seemed to be doing much better these first couple of days. She wasn't even eating lunch by herself, she found a small group to sit with.

I have no idea what is inside her head and it is very difficult for me to understand how she processes or does not process information. It is frustrating for her and for us as well as her younger sister who doesn't understand why she has to still go to school even when her older sister doesn't.

I also agree that there really isn't any way to "force" her to go short of picking her up and carrying her screaming inside, which obviously seems more detrimental than helpful. I'm not sure how punishment helps either. I've thought about taking her phone away but that phone is practically her life right now so I feel that would backfire too.

One minute she claims she wants to go and then the next morning we can't get her out of the bed and she is screaming at us. But when she goes I can tell she feels much better about herself. Going to keep my fingers crossed that she makes it tomorrow but I'm nervous about that as well as she has already expressed anxiety that they are showing the kids a film on what t do if an active shooter infiltrates the school.

Well, I like learning that might help. I also don't really care what others think about me. She might not want take what the other kids say seriously. I mean they are teenagers right. I still feel the same way about school though, I have no idea how to fix that. Though that might help...

Sometimes people need to pull themselves together. I require medication to deal with the social phobia to get out though.

I agree with what other people are already saying. I may have missed it, but I didn't see where anyone had already said this so I wanted to point it out.

It sounds like you are neurotypical, or not autistic? I am also neurotypical, married to an autistic man, with many autistic family members, friends, and mentors. I study adults on the autism spectrum from a sociological perspective. If you are neurotypical, it can help to take a moment and remind yourself that there is a fundamental difference between you and your daughter. I mean, more than one. Just because you aren't experiencing what she is, doesn't mean it's not a major deal.

To give an analogy example) As a dad, I assume you haven't gotten your period before, and don't like putting a lot of thought into that. But I'm sure that you recognize that getting her period was/will be a huge deal to your daughter- not something you can really understand, but definitely something you can help with, by supporting her and listening to her.

As neurotypical people, we don't know what it's like to be overwhelmed by something like noise, or to be paralyzed, humiliated, or put into a panic by social interactions. There could also be other things that she is experiencing that are just too hard for her to describe. She's still a young person and she won't understand everything that bothers her or know what she needs to help. I think if you TRY to understand her point of view, make it very clear how hard you're trying, that will mean a lot to her, and she will be more likely to let you help her work out some strategies that will work for getting her in the classroom and feeling more comfortable.

Coming here and asking autistic authorities about this issue was a sensitive, thoughtful thing to do. I'm sure if you keep working on this with your daughter you'll be able to figure something out together.

Sometimes when a person is newly diagnosed with ASD they go through an identity crises. We find out what we thought of our flawed charactors was really in fact that we were born this way. Key events in our life now have a new explanation. Some find this a huge relief while others get depressed because it is a lifelong condition, while others have mixed emotions. People during this period can see autism in everything. Similar in some ways to when you were first away from your parents and you got a little too wild with your newfound freedom the newly diagnosed autistic might feel more free to be thier autistic selves after trying to hide this part of themselves for so long. This usually works itself over time but it does take time.

As far as the noise, the loud kids usually stay away from the front rows.