NT married to an AS

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I have been married for a year and have realized that my husband undoubtedly has Asperger. At first I has disheartened by it but I have realized that I married him, I love him, and I need to learn to live with him. I need help doing that. I have reached out to a therapist for myself because he and I went to couples therapy and that was disastrous. He doesn't think like I do, he doesn't feel like I do, and he is very socially awkward even though we have managed with this. I just feel defeated!! !

How was it that you weren't aware of these factors before you married him?

First of all I think it is wonderful that you were willing to go to therapy to begin with.

I had previously tried going to therapy with my NT wife, and she decided that she didn't like therapy, and only I should go. I continued to go, but the therapist said there was not much point in continuing unless both of us were there.

I have reached a point where the only reason I don't file for divorce is because I love my children. It scares me when she makes remarks that if I were to file for divorce, she only wants visitation. She also has a bank account set up for that contingency.

I am talking about myself. Sorry. I think I could understand your frustration, and anxiety. I assume you have let him know how you feel. My next question, is it easier for him to communicate in writing. I know as someone with AS it is sometimes easier to write things out than to say things.

Hi and welcome to wrong planet!!
Im an aspie in a relationship with an NT and it definitely has its challenges.
I hope you find the support you need on this forum.
Sometimes it gets so difficult that I am ready to pack my things and leave. We are engaged but he doesn't know that in my mind that's something I assess every day. Some days (in my own head) he isnt my fiance. I realize it's those days that I really put him through it...emotionally.
Communication is not our strength as I assume is common in NT/Aspie relationships.
What I have done is learned to not be so selfish. I can do that very easily. Sometimes when I think I can't take it anymore...I tell myself to stop and look outside of my own world for a moment. That takes real effort. It is not something I do on instinct. Instinct is to get mad and let him have it because I know for a fact I'm right.
But...relationships arent based on logic they are based on emotion. I literally tell myself that. I have realized that there is only one real qualified person, for me, that I would listen to....me.
So I came up with a way to talk to myself and strangely enough, I listen sometimes.
But the key is that it never comes from him. I wouldnt listen to him because I secretly think he is an idiot about certain things. I cant change that. I dont tell him directly but I make him feel it....and THAT is what brings me back to reality.
When I am fed up I think about how fed up he must be with me because lets face it, it's hard to live with me too.
I then stop all the logical and linear thinking and try my best to be emotional. But again it always comes from me, if it comes from him I would take it as criticism.
I think that all relationships have challenges but due to the nature of Aspie/NTs it has to be creative. I think that it is different depending on the gender because females are usually more drawn to work on relationships and being Aspie and female means even though I would LOVE for him to pick up a book and read about how to make our relationship better...he won't do it. Because he is male. So I will read and watch videos and talk with people sometimes because I feel thats the only way to cause change to happen. I think that's a female thing not an aspie thing so I go for it.
You are female so im sure you read and do all the same things too.
I would just suggest getting creative with what has worked in the past but also be sensitive to his needs. It doesnt really take much by an NTs standards to get overwhelmed but we can't turn it off.
I would approach him with facts and logic and try to leave emotion out of it because he won't see it the way you mean it. The conversation may be painful for you because you may have to hear some things you don't but that might be just what he needs. Sometimes I cry and get sick because I can't verbally tell him what I feel and I cant show him all the time. But he stays and I do too. I would pass out if he approached me with thick skin and a logical conversation where I can say exactly what I want to say and he wouldn't react. But he is human too and imperfect. Even though in 3 years I've told him I love him 8 times. When he goes and shaves his beard before he kisses me, he makes me feel special because I know he is doing that just for me.
Hope this helps.