Any reason to come out to family as an adult?

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Rather than sharing my story, I'd like to hear from others who have been diagnosed in adulthood (say any age 18+) and what your experience was "coming out" to your family. Positive? Negative? Noteworthy at all? Thanks.

I told a few relatives.

Most reacted relatively positively, if a little confused about why I would bother getting diagnosed. There was a bit of "Well, if it makes you happy". I also got the "You don't seem like it to me. Everyone has those issues, me included", with a downplaying of the issues.

Deciding to tell people was extremely tough. On one hand, I've spent my whole life fighting to be normal and to pretend that nothing is wrong. Nobody wants to admit their flaws, even to people that have seen those flaws. I was 'worse' as a child before I learned to control my behaviour better, but I don't address this with family. I've always taken the approach of "we don't speak of those times". Nobody mentions what a 'weird' kid I was, we pretend it didn't happen. So, acknowledging that 'weirdness' was incredibly difficult. But I wanted to tell people, as my way of saying "I know I mess up sometimes. I am aware. I might ignore it, but I want you to know that I realise I'm a bit odd and I'm sorry for those times when I mess up". Also, simply because I am happiest as an open book and don't want secrets from my family.

Honestly, it wasn't positive. I feel like people thought I was being dramatic about a non-issue, like I was just trying to get labelled, and also like they should be sympathetic or try and convince me that there's really nothing wrong with me as though I have an issue with my diagnosis, which I don't. Am I glad I did it? Yes. Am I happy with the responses? No.

I'm self-diagnosed, and it wasn't positive for me either.

But it potentially helps the next generation.



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if anything, might more undersell it the next time

Please don't be offended, but when I saw your thread title I instantly imagined this scenario:

Young man: Mom … Dad? I have something to tell you. First let me say that I love you, and it's not your fault, or anything … but I'm a, um … [swallows hard, looks down, wipes away a tear] … I'm an adult.

Parents: [gasps of shock and disbelief. Dad clutches chest. Mom begins to sob helplessly …]

I would say it might be a good idea if there is family gossip about your lifestyle and or the way you behave.

I think the reasons would be, as ArielsSong says, to get things out in the open, as it also might explain a lot about one's childhood struggles to those who were there at the time, dealing with them and you.

I'm estranged from all family, so I haven't had to deal with this step. On the one hand, I'm glad I don't have to find out what kind of responses I might be met with from them, regarding this.

On the other hand, sometimes I wish I could wave my report in their faces, tell them this was me all along, and express all the anger I feel over their historical bad treatment of me and their continued ostracization. That's only my inner fantasy though. It's not the best way to actually deal with family problems. But it's an outlet to imagine it. They probably wouldn't care or change anything anyway, so, back to the other paragraph -- I'm glad I'll never know what they would think if they knew now.

There's a possibility that one or more family members knew something along the lines of this, which would have been ahead of the times because my childhood took place long before general awareness of autism spectrum rather than severe autism alone. And that person might say "Yes, I knew it all along" or even that professionals had told my parents and my parents ignored it.

But it doesn't matter now.

Some family members were good with my diagnosis - others told me 'there's nothing wrong with you, carry on'.

Overall I'd say it was a good thing to share my diagnosis.

Told me husband and it was the best thing. He was initially unsure and said "so what's the next step?" as if I'd just told him I had some kind of disease that needed treating After he had learnt a bit more he was super supportive and I can now just be myself at home, instead of trying to act neurotypical all the time.

Told my parents by WhatsApp and haven't seen them face to face since as we live so far away. My mother said "we need to talk about this"/ My brother got drunk 3 days later and started sending insults via text.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you're probably going to have a mixed reaction from family, though I think you have to tell the ones you're living with.

Ah, yes, as Sai said there was also telling my husband. I didn't class him in my original post because I told him before I was diagnosed that I believed I was autistic, and he was there when I was diagnosed.

With him, my experience was that when I told him I thought I had autism, he accepted this and said that it didn't change anything. I appreciated that, but it didn't feel like enough - I didn't feel that he understood exactly what this meant for me, how hard the journey of self-discovery was and how I wanted the opportunity to talk about it more. In his effort to come across as cool and casual, not caring, he actually made it feel a bit like I just had to get on with things and not talk about it. I did eventually discuss with him that I wanted to go for a formal diagnosis - he supported me through that, came with me to visit the GP - and over time we managed to discuss that I actually wanted to talk more about it. I really appreciated his "it doesn't matter to me" approach, which showed that he loved me and supported me through it, but it didn't quite feel like what I needed at the time.

Once we discussed more, I felt like I could be a bit more open about my struggles. At that stage, he started to understand me more but I wasn't being completely open because I had concerns that I could say "I struggle with this, and I think that's the autism" and then I might have potentially not received a diagnosis and I would have just felt more like a 'lazy' NT.

Since I received my formal diagnosis, things have been wonderful from that perspective. He's taken on a lot of the things that I always struggled with but tried to push myself through, like dealing with people on the phone. He now talks me through things that I need help with, step by step, knowing why I'm struggling. I am a lot more 'myself' at home - I let him know exactly when I'm struggling, and why, and he knows that these are 'autism things' and helps.

He's also my biggest reminder that my diagnosis was something I got for a reason. I still can't always get over that self-blame when I mess up socially or have a mini meltdown, but he helps me to see that it isn't my fault. He's now always coming up with accommodations to make things easier for me, too, which is fantastic. He's been the big positive in all of this.