Pretending so hard to be someone else...

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...that you don't know who you really are. Who else here has done that?

I did once, it didn't worked out. It's partially why I hate conformity. Also partially why I gave up on people.

I didn't developed such coping mechanism. I'm not conditioned to rehearse, mimic, or acting on daily basis. So I didn't 'hide' nor had a case of identity crisis.
For me to 'survive' the real world, it's my true self that has to change and grow, NOT the perfection of the 'façade' or that mistake-dodging in-denial false self.

And this is also partially why sometimes I could barely relate to others within the spectrum. Especially females...

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I've done that in my head when I see a really proactive go getter type character in a movie or tv show.

I have heard copying others is common in autism.

But I also saw a saying once that said....It's better to be a first rate version of yourself, than a second rate version of someone else.

I would say to Edna3362, you probably don't mean to be harsh, but what you say comes across as harsh judgment on those people who, for various reasons, some of them arguably good reasons, have believed it necessary in their particular lives to rehearse, mimic or mask in order to get by.

It's true that happily there are lots of people who, because of a number of reasons, they may have the kind of life circumstances where this is not only not necessary but they are in a strong position to just go ahead and fully be themselves, autism and all, and there will be basically no negative consequences for that particular person.

However, not everyone lives the same life. There are other people, particularly among the so-called "high functioning," who have found themselves straddling, if you will, two realities, and because so much is expected of them -- work, being one -- some of these people may have found it only destructive to not at least do some "pretending" even though sadly that too can be destructive in other ways. But it's a dilemma which doesn't go unnoticed by we who feel it.

Some of it may be something we find is the only way we can get by. Or at the very least, rehearsal of an important phone call or other social interaction, in order for the encounter to go the best way it can, rather than be a mess of failed communication, which could even have consequences detrimental to that person's life.

Don't knock it until you've found sometimes things do go better, not necessarily by being completely fake, but I mean by conceding that things may go better when you rehearse, or form at least some of the skills expected in the NT world.

Some of us have to live in that world.

There's a fine line between calling something "faking/pretending to be someone you're not" and "learning the skills that may help you succeed more."

Hm? I understand.
But in the end, it's just my own answer, my own opinions, when applied to my case if I chose such life.


I'm not judging anyone for what they choose, I only judge the idea itself.
And no, I don't have this extreme belief that any pretender is just someone who acts upon fear/necessity/whatever motives that doesn't act upon wisdom or for the sake of growth.

The not relating part? Like any humans, there are certain wants and wonders... It's a common thing to question 'Am I the only one that ---'?

And please do add something if you feel like it.
Note that I'm not taunting you for it, simply because I want to know what words that one could offer.

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"Acting out of fear or necessity" isn't always a lack of "acting out of wisdom and growth."

Even though it's a sad thing for a person to act from a place of fear and necessity, sometimes it has to be that way simply in order to secure survival.

If "fear" of losing a client hiring you because they are ignorant of autism but otherwise would be a "good gig" means that you don't disclose and you "act NT" to keep from rocking any boats, that "fear" driven motivation can also be seen as the "wise" choice.

"Wisdom" and "growth" doesn't always exclude the wisdom of someone realizing, for example, they will make more money for their survival and security if they play down their autism under certain circumstances.

True growth DOES indeed rely on being true to oneself.

But seriously, it's a nice ideal that everyone admires and thinks a person is strong, for, while rejecting the idea that someone else might also be thought very strong for knowing that in THEIR life things have had to be dealt with in a different way at least some of the time.

Speaking personal, MY "growth" was in realizing you can't just let it all hang out and you DO have to "adapt to survive" -- FOR ME, in my life.

Trust me there are different kinds of wisdom and different kinds of growth, and it's very lacking in compassion to more or less believe that the person who has had to take alternative approaches to their survival isn't wise or hasn't "grown."

If you haven't walked in someone else's shoes and found out that their circumstances -- very different to your own -- has meant that they don't enact exactly all the same things YOU do that you feel are "wisdom and growing," or that their path has of necessity been a different one, and different paths require different approaches, you're not quite as "wise and grown" as you think you are.

It's very patronizing to pitch "fear and necessity" against a self righteous notion of "wisdom and growth."

Yes, I can admit that I don't have such life. And no, I'm not proud of it.

Sure, I'm aware there are such kinds and types of wisdom. And I'm looking for them. And still looking for them... If not that, then I could wait for it.


The wrong part here?.. Hmm.. I won't mention it, all I can say is that I can take a hit.


You like to add more or continue, but I think it's best to bring it on PM or somewhere else before the OP's topic derails.

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I can pretend when it's obviously pretending ...
I put on a Star Trek costume and become the character
using method acting
during a convention or fan club event.

But in more mundane real world settings,
I really don't seem to have the skills
that many of you have
to act NT.

Raw intelligence helps me out a lot ...
but there are definite blind spots.

So I like the idea of being the best version of myself.

doesn't seem like a good idea.

Oh, I've done it. No idea who I am.

Only very recently, with support, a friend who keeps me honest and a butt load of shrugging off and ignoring judgemental people, I'm learning that it's ok to be me.

With practically every public situation, with rare exceptions. Especially going through middle and high school, where conformity was practically the key to success. Act like an NT, talk like an NT, have the interests of an NT, blah blah blah. I'm sure with going into college in a couple weeks, I will have to conform again to be "like an NT". I don't talk about most of my interests except those that are mainstream to NTs. Sports, outdoor activities, TV/movies, etc. are shared interests and are "safe" topics to share without the normal students being weirded out.

I don't know if conformity is the right word in my case. It's more of a social bridging on a very rudimentary level, if that makes sense. I had more of an issue growing up, because instead of sharing I thought I should only give the "proper" answers. Compound that with my alexithymia, and I was quite a confused kid.

It's a tough issue, OP. I think a lot of that self knowledge comes with time.