Here's my story. Do you think i have aspergers ?

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Hi
I Have just joined the forum for some comfort / opinion on whether its actually aspergers has been the source of much of the stress & disfunction in my life. I intend on getting what i can think of here for as educated advice as possible. However id love as many opinions as possible so broke it down into sections & finishing with symptoms as i see them for anyone who wants a quick opinion.

Current life
Im 36, dad of 2 living with my long term partner. Was, and am for the most part happy with my life & had accepted my rubbishness & terrible social skills after what i saw was cronic cannabis use through my teens accompanied by recriational drugs, and ending in paranoia, weird brain functioning, and eventual social breakdown / loss of self. This has been something that has overshadowed at least the last 10 years of my life yet i have also kind of ignored / shone no light on it, but been off drugs almost entirely since then.

recent apifiny (just a wild spelling guess)
Maybe 6 months ago i had the house to myself so asked my work colleague for a reefer. I Thought "its been a while - see what happens". Having the reefer that night was abit full on. My mind was full & racing, and head all over the place. Generally it was just intense, and fairly unpleasant. There was however one monment stood infront of the open fridge (seriously important detail) that i had a weird what i can only describe as "back in the room" feeling. That stuck with me in some way and more recently (maybe a month or 2 ago now) the family were away, and i decided to get another reefer from him. This was "not great standard bush" by his account so i thought id see what happens.

This was VERY Strange ! ! when i came back in from the garden i had the distinct "back in the room" feeling, but this time it stuck ! ! I had the time to embrase it, and it was like i was instantly 20yr old dan again. This was VERY pronounced, and VERY clear. It was like the true happy "thirst for life" me from my prime years was 100% preserved somewhere locked away in my brain.

At first this was exilirating ! i found i was really enjoying the talent show that was on (This is a sad admission, but putting it all as it was)in a very real, and normal way. I felt warmth to the judges, and had various opinions of them. I also felt very comfortable in the room, and was looking around feeling at ease, serine, happy, and very social. The Social side is obviously rediculous when i was on my own, but i tell you it was there, and i knew if there were 3 people sat around chatting with no tv or focus destraction for me to use i would have been quite present, chatty, and truely able to bond / connect.

This exiliration was soon followed by significant dawning realisation that i have been totally socially ret*d for years, not enjoying any social interactions, having no proper bonds with Anyone, and almost living an empty half life whereby i was present, and ticked boxes, but have not properly experienced life for most of my adult years.

Since my Realisation
For the most part it soon became "back to default living" though this realisation stuck with me, and ive not been able to shake it. Not only are many aspects of it distressing (with elements of exciting sometimes) but it has disturbed my almost cattatonic default way of socialising, and dealing with people (or not as the case may be). I have now become more aware / alive on that front. It is now actively shining a light on my inadequacies and causing social interactions to get harder, and harder. It reminds me of my long forgotten / ignored original social breakdown from all them years ago which is quite horrible.

Searching for a Cause
The glaring (almost only) issue i have with my life is the social / enjoyment side (suppose that encompasses most things). The extreme mindset change caused by the cannabis has left enough awareness of the issue that i could not ignore it (which is something i have become AMAZING at in all aspects of my life) And so i had been searching, I always blamed the drug use for my mental decline, and so was looking at the possibilities of psycosis, scitsophrenia, personality disorders, and general social dissfunction / anxiety. I wasnt looking for a badge, but looking to find an anchor point to do something.

I submitted what i saw at the time as an accurate description of my life, situation, and causes to several forums (contrary to the evidence i dont generally actively use forums / engage (similar to anything social)) I got some support, and in hind sight one women asked if i had autism in the family (which was dismissed at the time - still thought i piccled my brain with drugs) This didnt scratch the itch sufficiently so i booked in with a local psycotherepist for a free appointment. The need to do something was so great that i didnt avoid it, turned up, and found the strength / desire to walk into a grimly awkward / alien social situation (beleive me that was a minour miricle which i surpresed myself with)

Sorry this is Terrible to read
Just thought now would be a good time to explain that my spelling, and my typing are both terrible. In this case i see all the RED underscored words, but ignoring them, and pushing through without going back to check / read what went before. I'd usually make sure to the best of my abilities i read & edit thoroughly to make it less painfull for you the reader. Its not that i dont care, but in this instance i need to throw out whats in my head whilst i have the momentum, and re-editing / checking is likely to result in me taking stuff out. If you have read this far, and are continuing to read this pointless side drivel then thank you - I do really appreciate it !

Searching for a cause .... continued
The phycologist was very nice, and comforting - i liked her, but as always still had no affinity / bond with her. When i left i felt a strong sense of anti-climax. Ive no doubt that the buildup to such a huge step & detatchement from the norm for me seemed so great that i hadnt considered that most of the hour would be introducing, explaining all aspects, then a quick chat upon which she could base very little. Im a clever logical guy, but for some reason may have unconsciously expected everything to change from this one act of "bravery" (as daft as it sounds)

The brave step i took that day gave me the insperation to contact the NHS (which seemed abit full on, and offical at first), and filled in a self referal form explaining the experience i had, and potential conditions i had been considering (as above) My arm also felt forced into this action because i was getting increasingly stressed, and alkward feeling that i could head to another breakdown if i wasnt careful. Nowadays i have 2 young boys, which inspired me a)to do something before i have another traumatic (for everyone) fall from grace, and b)cling onto this realisation before it got pushed with so many things into the deep dark "DO NOT OPEN" areas of my mind never to be seen again.

Asprergers
Whilst waiting for the NHS to contact me i continued to research. Thats when i came accross Aspergers ! Obviously id heared of it before, and am aware that it no longer exists as a condition, but only as autism, but never knew what it was other than "a bit mental", but often super high functioning in many ways (probably considerably down to rain Man)

The reason I had origionally glossed over this option / suggestion someone made was because the first & pretty unwavering opinion is that you are born with autism. In my mind I was very social, happy, well rounded kid, and I only became damaged at around 20-25 (which was outside the suggested age)
Since reading, and reading I have now totally changed my opinion entirely ! ! I now feel pretty confidently that I have always had autism traits, but very good coping mechanisms for most aspects of life. I now question the level on which my friendships worked, and although I was very engaging, popular at school, and always funny I now realise that my friends, and Family persona were quite different (apart from my brother who fit into both). I deffinately bonded with people, and enjoyed their company, as they enjoyed mine, but there are several instances / situations that i can think of which make me think i could have been successfully operationg on a disfunctional level (if that makes sence(i have a grim feeling that maybe none of this makes sense))

I have also many small quirks that i now feel could well have always been autistic traits :
I have never eat fruit, veg, or mushrooms due to the texture - i just dont entertain the thought like a solid wall of stubbern.
I have a few seasures when i was at school for which no diagnosis could be given
I know thats not many, but there are loads of things ive been thinking about which now have a quite comfterble, perfect fit home in my Aspergers diagnosis. Ill add to this list as i think of any as i need to work towards an end to this (i dont know what it is really, maybe the scribblings / ramblings of a mad man but lets call it story) story.

I now also have a new view on my party days. I've spent the last 10-15 years blaming early chronic cannabis use for all my issues - it was rightly all my fault. I now actually have had a total switch around (which is weird after all these years). I now feel that cannabis could have been relieving the autism symptoms. I always used to function pretty successfully, but cant think of another time in my life where i was comfterble in a room with however may people (it didnt matter) with no TV on, and just chatting in a normal social situation. I now think that my paranoia was likely caused by drugs, but the painfull sometimes traumatic (for me) social decline was potentially caused when i stopped self medicating with cannabis, and i slowley declined into full blown Aspergers (certainly on the social element of the spectrum) I had the advantage of living "normally" , and enjoyably for years leaving me with a good skillset compared to an early "social failure" (couldnt fin the words - hope it causes no offence to anyone) and not living my life through autism (thankfully). What i did unfortunately have though was ever increasing symptoms slowley taking over, and experience my horrible decline from a key member of our friends into a socially painful none entity, and a great mourning now for what i have missed, and how i was.

Current social abilities
Its not good news im afraid. I have no real deep bond with anyone. I struggle to relax / loose myself naturaly into a social exchange. My muisses has a huge cathlic family, and theyre all very nice, but i have no doubt in my mind they think im weird ! I get on with many of them, but i feel its mostly superficial / coping on my part. I dont know any of them, and they dont know me. Thats after atleast 10 years of social events etc.. (which is when im at my worst). This makes my more conserned for my sons than anyone. I want to be the best dad i can be, and selfishly want to properly enjoy my time with them instead of only half present.

Most alarmingly is my very extreme social struggles i have recently been experiencing. I have recently teamed up with a friend to expand our work repertoir. This has however put me in some new social situations i have been finding increasingly difficult. When doing his side of the work i am now working inside worksights with other tradesmen in close proximity, group coffee breaks etc.. Also he runs those jobs essentially landing me in the role of labourer / lacky where i am usually the boss (ive been successfully carrying that persona for years) These 2 significant changes, have left me not knowing how to socialise at all. I have had the worst "cant make eye contact" that i have ever experienced, and have really reclused myself, and am undoubtably the "site weirdo" all this recently amplified by my new found awareness after my "apifiny".

Im coping, but its the severity of things like this that make me worried ive got a very real chance of heading to a breadown & need to keep pro-active momentum going.

Symptoms
I need to start rapping up now for everones sake. There will be loads of probably significant things ive missed, and pointless inclusions, but i felt it was best to spit it out as fast as i could. These are my aspervers like symptoms as i see them now. Some may not be relivent. Ill add to it, and list symptoms that dont apply to me when i get the chance.

1 : life void of any friendship, or the ability to connect with anyone properly.
2 : Small varients in a social situation, can render me incapable of dealing with it
3 : Ignore pockets of people entirely
4 : Struggle with eye contact allot of the time, and in uncomfterble situation find it impossible.
5 : Never eaten fruit or veg due to texture
6 : Sesures when younger
7 : Had meningitis when 19 with 4 day coma. I have read certain traumers (like meningitis) can cause, or at least bring on aspects of autism
8 : Really struggle with keeping focus , and finishing things to completion
9 : Have strong avoidence issues on many aspects of life
10 : When i read into aspergers it was like everything fit, i felt validated, and when reading peoples experiences / thoughts i felt even more sure.
11 : Get obsessed / consumed by hobbies - guitar, piano, camera etc.. only to suddenly loose any interest what so ever.
12 : It sound daft , and idolising a pervious self, but when we used to go out clubbing my dancing was "off the hook" if i could get into the zone id feel the music, express it like no-one else, and regularly find a circle of people round me watching me dance. I remember at the time in my normal job feeling like no-one ther knew i had a secret "super power"
Genuinely now think it could have been related to autism skills.
Thanks for your time
Im so sorry - if anyone is still here thanks for your perseverence. Ill take ANY opinions / thoughts would never take any offence.

The main question - what is your opinion on my self diagnosed aspergers ?

What is the best route to get a quick diagnosis without too much cost ? I dont know why, but i feel like i need an official diagnosis to validate myself & all my oddities. Also to help other people accept it. I have strong suspicion about my eldest son, and me being diagnosed would confirm those suspicions, and give us a fast track to services depending on what me & his mum decide is best for him (mostly whether to get diagnosed) (i think the answer would be yes)

Im now trying (tentitively) various strains & types of cannabis to see if i can find the sweet spot of "back in the room" im aware this will undoubtibly be frowned upon, but im logical about the testing, and feel its something i can atleast work to write off as a valid treatment / releif. I've got a feeling that without financial backing ill be waiting a long time for progress through the NHS.

Any other questions / critisizm is welcome.

Thanks so much - sorry again
Dan

Last edited by Dwiddler on 27 Aug 2016, 12:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you have to ask then the answer is very likely yes and that's all there is to it.

I'd say that you more likely to be on the spectrum than off it.

Probably. Most of us adults are self-diagnosed first. Set up a video camera and see what you catch yourself doing. I did that and saw myself stemming.

Routes to getting a diagnosis in the UK

I couldn't read it because it's just terrible - too long, too many difficult words, too many metaphors and lots of misspelling. It's almost impossible for me to read since English isn't my mother language.

Why don't you at least use a spellchecker? Most browsers (such as Chrome or Firefox) have them built in. They highlight mistyped/unknown words and let you choose the correct word from right-click list.

Since I only looked through your essay(as I said - it's pain to read) I can't say if you have Asperger or not but you seem a little like me with the rambling (I tend to type very long messages - which actually isn't that common on this forum). And your lack of friends and sensory issues definitely ring a bell.

However you mention having seizures and meningitis in the past which probably explains most of your issues. What age were you when you got them? You said you seemed pretty normal till 20-25. Was it around that time?
Do you remember any autistic traits from your childhood and adolescence? Do you have anybody to ask about what type of kid you were? How was your preschool, elementary, high school? Did you get along with other kids? Did you experience any bullying? Were you a good student? Any learning problems back then?



There is something wrong with your brain - but I doubt it is autism.
You don't suddenly get autism at age 20, after brain damage. You are born with autism. If you suddenly get autistic symptoms as an adult it's either a brain damage or a personality disorder.

IDK, I might disagree. I also didn't read the entire treatise for the same reasons, but the end of the post with the numbered points sound consistent with ASD. Although folks are born with autism, it's entirely possible that adults living with it undiagnosed can become quite functional with it. And then, as described, when reading about it they have a eureka moment of realization. Now, trying to diagnose via a forum is totally problematic regardless, but I wouldn't rule anyone out based off of their post. And folks with ASD can most certainly have concomitant brain damage, anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc.

That being said, based off of the numbered list, you might. Get evaluated and then see what they say. i'm going for mine in 2 days

Oh, and skip the cannabis if you can get access to proper meds. You may have anxiety, you may have depression, etc., and there are some decent meds out there that are consistent (unlike cannabis) and can provide a uniform, and stable, treatment effect. I understand the pull of cannabis as it can make one certainly "feel better", but if you can get proper care. Plus smoking and the euphoria might only make diagnosis more tricky.

Good luck!

Welcome to the journey.

Cynthia Kim has an excellent website called Musings of an Aspie

You may find her series on UK Adult Diagnosis helpful.

Try to remember that change is difficult and requires hard work.

Dan, I advise you to take this test.

http://aspergerstest.net/aq-test/

If your score is 26 or higher, you MAY have Asperger's.

If your score is 32 or higher, you're QUITE LIKELY TO have Asperger's.

I scored a 33! And I was diagnosed when I was 12.

Not sure if you are looking for any answers other than "welcome to the club!" but I'm skeptical since you said things were 'normal' until the drug use in your early 20s, autism is lifelong and does not develop later. As mention the brain damage could play a role, other psychological disorders start presenting themselves at this time as well. How bad socially can you be if you have a LTR and 2 kids? You said you were popular and well adjusted in high school? I would seek a professional assessment.

Well, being "bad socially" doesn't always preclude managing to get married anyway, and have two kids -- even here on WP we've had some members sharing that either they or their spectrum spouses have poor social skills.

But certainly it's odd that the OP says everything seemed normal in his life up until his 20s. That doesn't fit the autism criteria for diagnosis, as impairment has to be present all along, during and from childhood, for it to be autism. Decline in social skills or other functioning that hits at a late stage like one's 20's is something else.

OP, there are lots of conditions that have a cross-fade with seemingly autistic traits, and one of the reasons why it's useful or even important to pursue an evaluation is so that other conditions or disorders can be ruled out, and if it turns out it's not autism but something else, you can receive the appropriate treatment for those.

I would also say that, for some people, use of cannabis can have a detrimental side to some people's mental health. It's not for everyone. Some people's depression and other negatives can be made worse by cannabis.That's a whole other discussion but just to say, it's an element in the mix which may be confusing the issues.