Wanting to cry when being told off by someone in authority

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Does anyone else have this problem? I have Social Phobia, and I've read that one of the traits of that is fear of talking to people in authority. I'm sort of OK at that, I wouldn't say I'm brilliant at it, but I'm OK enough to not let it make me feel too anxious. But I tend to really want to burst into tears when being told off by someone in authority. I was wondering if that is related to the Social Phobia aswell.

When I was aged between 5 and 10, I used to get upset when teachers told me off at school. I used to cry in class, and when I got to about 8, I still used to get upset but I didn't cry. I just used to not want to look at the teacher for the rest of the day, and I had these funny feelings inside me, as though somebody had kicked me in the stomach.

But now if I get told off by someone in authority, I don't cry in their face (of course), but I cry when I am away from them. I just can't help it. It just makes me feel small, and I don't like feeling that way. I remember about a year ago I got told off by someone in the jobcentre, because I wasn't doing the job search properly. He used that horrible tone of voice (can't explain it but I know it when I hear it), and I didn't know what to say. I could tell he wasn't happy with me, and when I came out, I met my mum and I told her about what happened, then when we got into Tescos, the tears came uncontrollably, and I burst out crying. I hate crying in public, but I couldn't help it. My mum didn't mind though, because she felt quite angry at the man in the jobcentre for speaking to me like that and not understanding my special needs.

And once the bus-driver had a go at me (one I DON'T fancy), over something so silly, but because of my fear of being told off by someone in authority, I started crying when I got home. I don't know why, but I seem to get into a hell of a state, and I can't stop thinking about what they said to me for hours.
Of course, there are a few exceptions. Like the other day, I was speaking to the bus-driver who I DO fancy, and the conversation got onto food. When I said, ''I don't eat breakfast'', he said ''that's not good!'' in quite a firm voice, but I didn't get upset at all, because I knew it was in a different context, if you know what I mean.

I don't mind so much if I'm with someone else and we're both being told off by someone in authority, but I get more sensitive about it when I'm on my own. Does anyone else get like this?

I definitely do! Even people that are not actually in positions of authority can have this affect on me if I care about them.

When I was still in college, I asked a question about an assignment during a class and the professor responded by saying some thing to the effect of "once you are out in the real world, you won't have anyone to ask about unimportant details so you need to develop some confidence in your skills and make these decisions yourself."

I was able to fight back tears for the rest of that class period but I never asked another question in that class or any other class for the rest of the time I was in college and grad school (another four years of full-time school). Because of my inability to ask questions, I really suffered and struggled during the rest of my courses.

I would say it would be related to social phobia, or something along those lines. I was the same way when I was younger, and I have extreme social anxiety.

I've been interacting a lot with the wider community over the last year, creating resources for autistics and looking to help adults realize that they're on the spectrum. Unfortunately, that means that I run into a lot of people who don't want to admit that they're on the spectrum, and then feel that they need to take their anger out on me.

I've been in a few verbal "fights" recently. One was me arguing with another mathematician over the role of women in science. It was awful, since we had a diverse crowd but the guy just kept arguing that women are stupid. I had to be my most clever to show that he was incorrect while still being respectful of him. He has a PhD (and I don't) so he kept using that against me. Although I think I "won" the "fight" because everyone at the meeting kept agreeing with me before I was able to move the discussion on, I still felt really bad about it. After the meeting, I had to go to the men's room and just cool off. The stress had gotten to me. Most of the other verbal "fights" were like that too.

One of the things that I like doing in the social groups as well is to have a show of hands about things. Everybody likes those, since we all get to see how similar us on the spectrum are. My favorite one is to have a show of hands of how many people get yelled at or have things thrown at them by their teachers. All hands go up.

I think this is just something that we have to get used to. Being on the spectrum means that we don't work well with authority, and there's not much we can do to change that. And I think we all "cry" when we get told off by them, in our own way.

My advice: just let it out and forget it. Everybody else will forget about whatever set those authoritarians off in anger, we might as well do so too.

I agree with AdmiralCrunch on his last point that the authoritarians in question seem to quickly forget their actions and NEVER ponder over what emotional impact those actions/words could have had on their conversation-mates (or in many cases, what I like to call conversational victims). Knowing this seems to help me let go sometimes.

Also, AdmiralCrunch, thank you very much for sticking up for we women scientists to what sounds like your own detriment.

This is something that I'll never understand. Communication is a two-way street. Why do these people just gun and run like this, ignoring the pain they cause?

Que sirrah, sirrah, I guess.


Glad to help!

My best professors and bosses have been women, so I just don't like when guys like that think they're being "truthful" with their nonsense. And who'd have thought that Larry Summers would wind up being such a lightning rod?

And I so wish I had this recorded. I had so many good one-liners against the guy, I had no idea that I could knock so many out while under stress. I'm thinking I should try to get into one or two more arguments like this, just to see if I can keep this up.

BTW, what area are you working on? I'm prepping for a grad degree in applied math, but my real focus is on affective science.

Sometimes, depends on who is telling me off and for what reason, though I do remember at school being told by classmates that whenever I was told off by the teacher I would just stare at them, with no facial expression or emotion.

Authority? What's that?

yah, i get the same bad feeling/ s when someone in authority tells me off. i know they are probably inconsiderate of my motivation - wanting desperately to please - and feelings, but knowing this apparently doesn`t stop me from wanting validation so desperately. i think, i pride myself on being informed and honest and having a desire to know, which in my mind shows the other person that i accept his position of authority and questioning is a way of conveying this - otherwise i wouldn`t have bothered in the first place. so i`m a ninny - people pleaser...

I tend to feel like crying when anyone tells me off, regardless of their actual authority. I usually assume that they have more authority than I do since they have the confidence to confront me. In general I really dislike confrontation since I tend to be thin-skinned and worry that I inadvertently offend others. It makes communication with strangers rather difficult at times.

*nods* I recognize this fairly well. I'm thinking of a few circumstances this happens in, a list might work best:

- I'm studying music, so I often have performances where afterward I'm critiqued by some combination of music faculty, students, or a guest artist . . . if they criticize some element of my playing that was a conscious decision, I get a strong urge to explain exactly why I chose the way I did, so they don't get the impression that I hadn't considered it (while the more gracious response would be to accept the criticism). If they criticize some element of my playing that I realize would be super-difficult to change (and I realize if it would be or not) I get a strong urge to explain how difficult it would be to change that element of my playing, or mention obstacles that are interfering with me doing that. (when the more gracious response would be to just accept the criticism.) . . . Anyways though, as I'm listening to the commentary, trying to decide the best way to react, apparently I get this frigid facial expression and go very silent. (this generally occurs in front of an audience, haha stressful!) And the after-stage when I'm trying to evaluate what the criticism means to me and what I should do about my playing is super stressful . . . like, I don't cry ever, but I'll be shaking and stuff.

- I have massive issues working up courage to talk to teachers, but I did once because I was seeing the teacher for an unrelated reason and he brought up my homework/ marks. And I tried to explain to him why, though the work was really hard, it always seems irrational to me to seek out help, then after the due date has past why it always seems irrational for me to bother trying to hand it in or ask for help. And why it always seems irrational for me to ask him for help because I figure it's my issue . . . and he told me 'but I'm always available to help, so definitely seek me out next time if you're having any problems'. And though that was very lovely/rational/helpful for him to say, I realized that suddenly all my fretting and the really massive looming issue I thought was unsolvable were completely cheapened and I suddenly felt really stupid, or mis-understood, or at least that a very large un-correctable mistake had just occurred. So I was very shaken after this.

- the irrational way employers/my parents talk to me really bugs me, like just that my own decision-making and processes are always being mis-understood and interfered with and I can never explain myself properly. So I can get really worked up and stressed if I have to deal with them for extended periods of time. Especially since if I abandon my own logic and just go with theirs, I get blamed for the mistakes which result from it. (admittedly I misunderstand people often. Perhaps I'll eventually be on to greater things, but in any minimum wage position I seriously deserve to be fired.) So I can get very shaken and stressed, but so long as I keep reminding myself that their intentions are unrelated to me and they're just making decisions for the sake of making decisions and I'm paid the same no-matter how productive I am so I don't have to improve my own efficiency I tend to calm down. At home, I try to remember that my parents don't ask me much and that they mean well/ that I'm probably being irrational, so I take turns between using their logic and my logic and that generally works. I tend to argue alot about what they ask me, but I normally don't mind once I've begun doing it.

Umm, so practically I guess having more humility when doing mundane, frequent interactions with authority ends up being more friction-less/advantageous? And by humility I mean taking directives more simply and not taking them personally when they're not meant to be taken personally. Well, I've distilled this advice. I'm aware it's not simple to apply in practice and read's more like 'Please tone down your irrational Asperger's'. Whatevs.

But in any of these situations where I am being mis-understood and there is alot at stake, I definitely get very shaken. If I had a looser code of gender presentation maybe I would cry. (shaken)

When I'm being told off by any type of authority, I either
A) Can't say anything
B) Start being very rude and loud to them, when I take their remarks very offensively

I also feel the same way. I feel like crying when a higher up tells me off except for that one time that I swore at my dad, at the age of 19.

I used to cry when I was told off by authority, or if nothing else I would feel like crying. Now I've done a 180 and I don't care about authority at all, even going as far as to insult them right back. This is because I'm afraid of my emotions, whereas I wasn't before.

Yes, that feels very familiar! If someone ''important'' talks down to me or criticizes me, it ruins my day.

I was like this until about the age of 14. I was very sensitive to authority figure's 'criticism' (that's how I saw it). Aged 14 I developed ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and ended up on the complete other end of that spectrum! I've mostly got it under control now, but I find myself getting REALLY angry with authority figures. I guess one day I realised they are just people like me, not better than me. I still wouldn't start fights with cops though! That would just be silly!