Aspie Men: Have you ever been mistaken for a predator?

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I used to be in this group of activists. I was formally kicked out of the group when I asked one of them about an upcoming meeting, only to have him create a messenger group with the other leaders in order to cyberbully me over allegedly predatory behavior towards one or more of the women on the grounds that I stared at them (which I have no recollection of doing) and my "body language" (they didn't explain what they meant by that any further.)

These people sound like a bunch of nuts to me.

Just ignore them.

Yes. I was also mistaken before. I find it very difficult to deal with sensitive bunch of activists.

See and I have always gotten the opposite response. So many people are comfortable with me because I have a non threatening presence, so the response is no.

I've frequently had problems with people accusing me of staring at them. They didn't understand that I wasn't staring, but my eyes happened to be pointed that direction. I wasn't really looking at anything.

Another problem I have is angering people because my expression doesn't change much when I'm speaking. Everyone thinks I am angry or it disturbs them and they become frightened and lash out at me.

Yet another problem I run into is that my voice is so monotone all the time that people either become frightened and lash out yet again or they insult me by calling me names like "Mr. Robot."

So, yeah, I've been accused of being a predator. I've been told that I look like a rapist. I've been insulted for things I really have no control over. It sucks big time.

I've been on the other side of this problem. I was in a group where a man was looking like a "predator." His eye gaze was described as creepy. He would stare at the women. He was unwashed and omitted an odor. It was a book club, but he did not discuss the book. Instead, he went on and on about a restaurant called Veggie Heaven. He even had dozens of their brochure to hand out. He wanted us to meet at Veggie Heaven instead of our regular meeting place. He sat with his legs splayed and waved his hands about. He asked for personal information from the women in the group, such as where they worked and what kind of car they drive. I also happened to be a member of another group where he had followed a woman to her car and had attempted to kiss her. She was not interested in being kissed and pushed him aside. She considered it a mild assault but chose not to report it to the police. So this guy comes to our book group and the women in the group are very uncomfortable.

I was sure that this guy was one of us. He's either mentally ill, or autistic, or both. I volunteered to talk to him. I told him exactly what felt threatening to women in the group. He responded that they shouldn't feel threatened because he doesn't mean it that way, and told me that I should go eat at Veggie Heaven.

I did recommend this guy be removed from the group, and that we change our venue so that he couldn't find us again. The organizer did so. I also told him why. This really hurt his feelings, but I didn't want it to be another situation where he was left asking questions like the OP.

Just because you have a disability, doesn't mean that you don't have to monitor your words and body language to be non-threatening among women. Its harder for us to do this, but its not impossible. And women have the right to feel safe. Men are bigger than women. We can hurt them. Its up to us to communicate that we are not going to do that.

"Get to the CHOPPAAA"

I think people pick on any convenient sucker, as a way of making themselves look better. It's the usual bully tactic, except with the twist of making you look bad.

( Too many paragraphs. Got to go outdoors, today.)

I'm 30 years old and male, so that means I'm "not allowed" to go see movies like Zootopia or Ice Age, because every time I do, I get stared-down by anyone with kids. One woman spent over an hour just plain staring at me when I went to go see Ice Age: Collision Course. I went with my Grandmother, so I was obviously a danger to her kids, I guess. I don't alter my behavior anymore. It's NOT my responsibility to make someone so fragile that they're terrified of a 30 year old man going out with his Grandma feel safe. NOT my responsibility at all.

I tutored math at a private school, when a local kidnapping made national news, and tall fences were put around the whole park. Not just the part with the kids toy's. Trees, picnic tables, open space with grass, patio, everything.

Noone has done Halloween for 10yrs.

My grandfather pinched a boy at the county fair, and the liberals though there was going to be a sexual emergency.

I am bearded, burly, exercise in public, help people as it is needed and wanted, and hear lots of heterophobic comments, as a passive, good Samaritan.

It's oftentimes, shear competition -- racial, religious, and cultural -- when you get to the bottom of who is calling the police, so often.

I know what it is. I have read about it, in books. It would normally, never occur to me, that I should I have to worry about something like that, if I am doing something wholesome, or it's a G-rated venue.

I find it offensive, when some self-appointed monitor interferes with someone minding their own business, and it's something really salacious, like that. I think they should face binding, social sanctions.

I hope you gave him a good explanation for your decision. Other wise, that's gonna make you one of the biggest hypocrites out there. A real sellout.



I don't know. I find it impossible to not look treating to a woman. However I do cope by simply not looking at women at all, unless they address me specificity.

I don't gawk (much) but there's not supposed to be anything to look at.

That's why I volunteered. I knew it was going to hurt him, but I wanted him to have a clear understanding of what was going on. I hope he heard me and thought about modifying his behavior. I have no idea if he did. He had worked his way through several groups. One of them actually disbanded because everyone was scarred to talk to him or to create boundaries.

There's a real eye-gaze issue with women. If you look at them too long, NTs mean that to be a threat. Or they mean it to be sexual. Its never neutral to stare at a woman, especially at her breasts. Never. So, timing the eye gaze when you want to look interested but not in love or angry is a really important skill. There are books written on this stuff. And you can study TV. Just make sure you also watch TV scenes that are not romantic so that you get the difference.

And remember, this dude actually followed a woman and moved in to kiss her without permission. So, this isn't just someone who is looking strange. He actually acted in a way that could be seen as criminal. Personally, I don't think he was acting with criminal intent. I think he's autistic and he really thought that a woman letting him walk her to his car means that its OK to kiss her. (It's not BTW. Since I don't do body language well, I really find its best to simply ask "can I kiss you?" I find asking works brilliantly. Women who are into it find it charming.)

Some people think I was being mean to this guy. But I think that the mean thing would have been to let things spiral until someone called the police. Who knows? Maybe there was a better way of going about things. But this was the best I could do. He was given a chance, BTW, between talking to him and removing him. He was given a chance to come again and not push Veggie Heaven and not to assume anyone was his girlfriend. (I totally forgot! He also was targeting specific women after these groups for emails. And if the woman corresponded with him, he assumed that they were dating. That's what was behind the kissing incident. He assumed because she responded to his emails that they were dating. And he had assumed that someone was his girlfriend at least three times, because of completely unsexual email conversations.)

A certain woman at an office where I was doing pracs for a course kept alleging I was staring at her, and was creeped out by my presence there. She was the only one who had a problem with me. The funny thing is that her whole wall was full of quotes from The Secret about affirmative thinking and how nothing should bother her. Yet she was one of the most insecure and stressed people I've seen.

The Secret to dealing with those people is to hold on to your vision that they don't exist, lol.

Seriously, though, its some pretty messed up thinking and most of the people who are into it are in a lot of pain. Because they really believe that if you let your darker thoughts exist without clamping down on them, they will magically make bad things happen.

I didn't know about the "dark side" of the Secret philosophy, thanks for that enlightenment!