Help! I'm so nervous!

Post Reply New Topic

I'm starting a new school soon, and I'm scared that I'll be seen as the weird one in the class again, and have no friends, just like in my old school. I think my social skills have improved quite a lot in the last year (I don't pretend to be animals anymore, I used to until I was 13, and I only have a really bad social skills day about once every two weeks rather than every day.)

I'm still nervous though, that people will sense there's something odd about me, because I don't really know when to stop when talking about things that interest me, and my obsessions are quite weird for my age (14): The Chernobyl accident, the grim reaper (probably stemming from my fear of it, which I turned into an obsession), Friedrich Nietzsche, Iceland and Germany.

I want to be myself, but at the same time, if I am myself, people will think I'm weird and no one will talk to me, which is what happened at my other school. Also I have shutdowns, and go mute and retreat into my own world under stress, and sometimes have meltdowns.

I don't know what to do.

I have also lately been having a lot of anxiety about going back to school, and it's even a school for autistic kids. So I can imagine yours. High school probably sucks for most with autism. Probably eventually you'll develop better social skills and get better control over shuts and melts. It's a lot of time, trial and error to master behavior stuff. Will you have a counselor or any kind of special needs assistance there? Just remember, this isn't your fault. You're not doing anything wrong.

I would have loved to have met somebody who was interested in Nietzsche when I was in school.

Keep pursuing your interests....but don't let them jeopardize your marks in other subjects.

I think it's great that you are a person of intelligence.

There you go, surly you won't be the only aspie or intellectual in that entire school.

You sound like a really interesting person. If you try and stop being yourself just to please others or be 'like' them, it might work for a while, but you won't be able to maintain it for long, and it will make you miserable. Genuine friends will like you for who you really are. As Ezra says, you're not doing anything wrong.

Nietzsche is fascinating.

Your interests are really cool! Hearing the Grimp Reaper makes me want to read some stuff on that. I am sure there is a lot of fascinating information.
I was also someone who had much different interests than that of the normal teenager, but you would be surprised how many people have "odd" interests and are keeping it to themselves. As much as you want to keep your interests to yourself try not to. Does your school offer any clubs? Try joining one of those that seems of interest to you and get to know the other people in those clubs. I am sure you could find something in common with them. When I was in school as hard as it was at times I joined a couple of clubs and that is where I ended up finding the majority of my friends.

Excellent advice.

Imagine if there was a public Internet in 1975, when I was 14?

Yep...I believe joining a club in school would be great!

That's the thing, isn't it.
It's a balance of how much you are going to be yourself against how much you are going to fit in.
People without aspergers fit in by being themselves (being yourself is claimed to be valued in America).
People with aspergers fit in less the more they are themselves.
I used to have intense interests in various topics and talked about them in detail.
I stopped doing that because I realized it annoyed people who were not interested in those topics.
It's also they way you are interested in the topic that may annoy people.
Here is a section from wiki about aspergers:

Pursuit of specific and narrow areas of interest is one of the most striking possible features of AS.[3] Individuals with AS may collect volumes of detailed information on a relatively narrow topic such as weather data or star names, without necessarily having a genuine understanding of the broader topic.[3][17] For example, a child might memorize camera model numbers while caring little about photography.[3]

So, for example, I have a very good english vocab but don't have good story telling skills. My english vocab doesn't impress (and rather annoys) people who are good at english because being good at english means you can use it in a way that is useful to others (tellings stories). I used to be able to recognize classical music (could name the piece) of a very wide collection of music. But I couldn't play an instrument well. So real musicians found me annoying. Someone who didn't know their craft but was acting like they did.

People with aspergers are not able to tell how they appear to others. They may think about it obsessively and try their best to make a good impression but in the end, the instant recognition of how you are appearing socially is not there (and is there for NTs naturally and unconsciously). So what has been very helpful to me is being around people who have strong aspergers traits but do not self-censor because they don't think they have aspergers. When they talk about random facts in great detail (e.g., a country has been invaded x amount of times in x years by x countries) I get annoyed. Its annoying because its not contributing to the happiness of the group. Where does that put the person with aspergers? Their random facts are annoying to people not interested in the topic. People who are truely knowledgeable about the topic (e.g., for the previous example a historian) see through the superficial knowledge.

It's a two part process for people with aspergers and their interests. It's realizing that in a conversation with general others, your interests and esp. the level of detail you give annoys general others. If you really think you are interested in a topic, then develop actual knowledge and join a group organized around the topic. For your example, if you are interested nietzsche talk to philosophers. You'll probably realize you actually don't know about the topic in a way that's useful to them and will instead need to learn the background knowledge that philosophers find valuable. Ask the questions philosophers ask when they read nietzche.

It's fine to have interests but in the end we want to talk to people about those interests. The people to talk to are those who also have the interest. You need to speak their language.

A different perspective is to talk to people who have aspergers or asperers traits. The closer you get to math the closer you get to aspergers. So you learn a topic to be around people who are like you.

I know just how you feel. Personally I think 'normal' is entirely over-rated. On Monday I'm starting at a new school too - only, I'm a teacher! I'm still nervous though and I have many of the worries you have. I think you're interests are great - especially the Chernobyl thing. Nuclear physics is fascinating.

One small tip which seems to help me... when I'm out and about I try to actively smile a lot. It really changes the way people respond to me. (My son says my natural face at rest always looks like I'm worried!). My rule of thumb is to smile broadly whenever I see someone I've met before. It's like a little bit of social magic.

I'm sure you'll do great.

Thank you so much everyone, for your supportive and helpful replies! I really appreciate it, and it's definitely helped me to feel less nervous. The teachers are aware that I have learning difficulties, and I have a speech therapist that works with the teachers so that I don't miss out on things in lessons, so I'm very happy with that, it's just the making friends part that concerns me (although my anxiety has reduced now thanks to your replies, so thanks again)

A new start can be really helpful, especially if you were bullied before. Please give yourself credit for what you've practiced and learned about social skills.

About when to stop talking about your interests, I usually go by the questions people ask, or don't ask. Also, if there's a broader reason for one or more of your interests, then maybe start there if you can. Really narrow interests sound out-of-the-blue to most people, but maybe there's something you have in common with a few of your peers that sparked the interest in the first place.

Are some of the other kids' interests OK enough for you to learn a little about them? Right now, I've got friends and acquaintances who are really, really big fans of superheroes, among other things. I'm not a superhero fan and won't pretend to be one in general. Still, some of the movies were actually really fun to watch, and they allowed me to participate a bit, even when the conversations drifted to superheroes. With my limited knowledge, I can also ask questions about how the comics expand on various themes and characters, and which versions they like best. This works well, because suddenly, I'm engaged in their interest.

You have to be yourself, but also take time to see what others are interested in and like you want want others to be interested in your interests, take some time to research other people's interests so you can at least participate in some conversations that others want to discuss.

You can use your area of interest for school projects etc and others may then become interested.

Look at social interaction and unwritten social rules, try to look at body language videos to help you to interpret what others are saying by using their body language.

Possibly restrict yourself to only talking about your interests for so long so that you do not drive others away - would you want someone talking about football all day if you had little interest.

use the special education mentor/teacher to help you develop your communication and interaction skills and allso look at setting up a social club/group.

Best of luck

I found it useful to help the teachers become more aware - most need this.

In social conversations, limit your responses to two sentences then ask about them or direct the conversation back to them.