Social Rules I have recently learned
- if anything it would be rude to leave your leftovers at the pot-luck as then whoever set it up will have to figure out storage for the food and what to do with all the dishes it was served in.
-nts first impression is not only based on those and 'nothing' else, and that is a big part of how anyone gets first impressions not just nts.
-If someone offers to pay for you than nothing wrong if you offer to pay for yourself, but I think people take offense if you insist and flat out refuse to let them if they want to.
-If people don't want you to come somewhere they aren't typically going to invite you...that doesn't even make sense.
Depending on the context, NT's will invite you because it is a social obligation and a "nice" thing to do. It depends on the time and place, but often it is an insincere invitation, and they don't really want you to go, they just didn't want to seem rude by not inviting you. Similar to, "let's get lunch sometime". Context and tone of voice are key to knowing if its a sincere invite or not.
This is true. Are you NT?
Nope I'm not NT.
The only rule I've learnt is that you can't keep the NTs happy because they keep changing the rules then get angry when you can't keep up
I just avoid 'em like the plague now. That's my rule for myself
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About more than half of the rules doesn't apply in my current culture...
ESPECIALLY THIS!! !! !! ! The 'polite' part from where I live is the opposite: Take AT LEAST some leftovers. Especially when offered. Even if you're not able to eat them all.
And so I cannot suggest what social rules are because it's in a different culture, but NT nonetheless.
-Nt's make friends by a "feeling" and its very easy for them
This IS an NT thing that may or may not apply in any culture. Or at least it's something they can perform without thinking.
This doesn't always work. Or at least, from my experience... And I wanna master the illusions of 'vibe' in my own terms. Perceiving timings and invisible 'lines' are very tricky, let alone know which is which even after gathering huge amounts of data just to know what unwritten rules are.
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- I'm busy is a code word for not interested
- when somebody does not want to be friends with you they will say "I'm busy" and come up with excuses
- If this happens you are suppossed to leave the person alone, if you don't they will get very angry
- People are speaking in code often (I still have not broken the code)
- When somebody offers to pay for you, you should insist to pay
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.
- You are only allowed to cry silently in front of other people
- People lie to be polite
- In order to begin a conversation you are supposed to smile first, then if the person smiles back you can begin talking.
-Nt's make friends by a "feeling" and its very easy for them
-Nt's decide if they like you the first few seconds of meeting you
-Nt's first impressions are based off clothes and facial expression- and thats it, it doesn't matter what you say or who you are on the inside
-Don't interrupt people when they are talking to someone else
-If you bring something to a potluck, it is polite to leave it there- not take the leftovers home.
- When you first meet someone you are supposed to engage in small talk, being quiet and not asking any questions is considered rude.
To me these rules seem too black & white but if you have no other starting point it's a good place to start but you will be confused if you think these rules are not flexible. It would take me a long time to expand on each rule , in fact you would have to make a flow chart to make the rule more accurate and tbh I dont think I could write a book about rules because it would take several lifetimes to finish.
Lies for example are used for many reasons but some lies are more socialy acceptable than others e.g. You are given a birthday present by a loved one and when you unwrap it they ask if you like it? It is perfectly normal to not like the present but it can be considered rude and ungrateful if you voice your true feelings i.e. "wtf , this is a pen , i only collect pencils"- So a lie in this instance is socially acceptable as you spare your loved ones feelings.
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Sweetleaf
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I just avoid 'em like the plague now. That's my rule for myself
And how do you know if someone is neurotypical or not at first glance to know to avoid them?
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Sweetleaf
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- if anything it would be rude to leave your leftovers at the pot-luck as then whoever set it up will have to figure out storage for the food and what to do with all the dishes it was served in.
-nts first impression is not only based on those and 'nothing' else, and that is a big part of how anyone gets first impressions not just nts.
-If someone offers to pay for you than nothing wrong if you offer to pay for yourself, but I think people take offense if you insist and flat out refuse to let them if they want to.
-If people don't want you to come somewhere they aren't typically going to invite you...that doesn't even make sense.
Depending on the context, NT's will invite you because it is a social obligation and a "nice" thing to do. It depends on the time and place, but often it is an insincere invitation, and they don't really want you to go, they just didn't want to seem rude by not inviting you. Similar to, "let's get lunch sometime". Context and tone of voice are key to knowing if its a sincere invite or not.
Weird, I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to invite someone to do something with me If I didn't want them to come/didn't like them. Just doesn't seem like something most people do...I imagine some people may do so out of obligation but not so sure it's normal or what nts regularly do.
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Sweetleaf
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This is just so bizarre when people say the EXACT opposite of what they mean. I will never believe that we are the ones who have a problem for not understanding it. I don't care if they comprise the majority, that is just dysfunctional behavior.
Yeah, once my NT grandmother was trying to explain
that if she said, "I don't want anything for my birthday,"
it meant that you had better go and buy her a real nice birthday present.
hmm does seem pretty pointless to say that if its not true.
mebbe to save herself from disappointment, she predisastered it so it sounded like she wasn't even interested when in fact she was highly interested. I did that for ages to gird me against disappointment.
Seems counter productive to actually verbalize it to others though, then you will confuse them. I myself sometimes in my head don't expect much at all to avoid disappointment. but I wouldn't tell someone 'I don't want to go camping just go without me.' for instance and then explain after the fact when I say I don't want to go it means I do and they should try to coax me to come. People aren't mind readers.
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Sweetleaf
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If somebody gets a bad "vibe" or feeling from you initially they will not pursue friendship. Although I have asked many NT's they do indeed go by a "clicking", "meshing" or a "feeling" to make friends. It is true. It is not a logical connection, it is an emotional one. Although, that is how they base their first impressions- it is not a logical process either. First the facial expression is to decide if your a threat, then the clothing is to determine what social group you belong to, an from these they assign you personality traits.
I don't typically pursue friendship with people I get a bad vibe or feeling from either, so its not just a neurotypical thing...would you pursue friendship with someone you got a bad feeling about? Also I have never really heard of people instantly making friends usually people take time to get to know each other before considering each other to be friends. Also pretty sure facial expression and clothing aren't the only things nts look at to determine if they want to interact or not. Some do, but NTs are just as individual and varied as nds...they don't all have the exact same collective behaviors.
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Sweetleaf
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Really? What if you made your own and brought it there and it's in your mixing bowl or serving dish or cookie sheet?
Plus I have seen people take theirs as they go.
In general. There have been several times I have taken my stuff back and was lectured. Once I took the remainder of my cake, and the other time I brought back my wine. I was told later in both instances I being rude.
I say there is something wrong with those people, any pot luck I've been to people bring food in dishes that they want back after...and there are people who expect you to just leave those? I mean I could see if the potluck isn't over yet it being somewhat rude to take back what you brought, but at the end you certainly aren't expected to leave leftovers especially if its your own dish. I'd think someone who finds that rude is just hoping for some free dishes out of the potluck and mad they didn't get them.
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When someone never answers their phone, chances are they are deliberately not answering it so if you leave them a message and tell them to call you back and they don't, move on. Also if they never call you, it's best to assume they are not interested in you, friendship or relationship wise.
If a person turns you down three times for a date, move on. They are just not into you.
If a person doesn't initiate a conversation with you as you are talking to them, they are not interested so it's best to quit talking to them.
If a person is reading or has on head phones or is playing a game on their phone or handheld gaming system and they don't stop doing it as you speak to them, they don't want to talk and they just want to keep doing that so quit talking to them.
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Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.
Three times? Shouldn't you move on if they just turn you down once?
No that was the rule I learned in Mozart and the Whale book when a guy told Jerry the three strike rule about dating. He scared a girl out of his math class because he didn't get the hint that she didn't like him that way and the fact she quit going to their class was because she switched pout of it so he was now calling her. He still didn't get the hint when he could never get a hold of her. So she sent that guy after him and that was when he told him about the three strike rule.
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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
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Posts: 34,472
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If a person turns you down three times for a date, move on. They are just not into you.
If a person doesn't initiate a conversation with you as you are talking to them, they are not interested so it's best to quit talking to them.
If a person is reading or has on head phones or is playing a game on their phone or handheld gaming system and they don't stop doing it as you speak to them, they don't want to talk and they just want to keep doing that so quit talking to them.
I remember before I meat my current boyfriend...I meat up with a guy from okcupid, he took me to his house and we watched a movie then he said he had some other stuff to do that day and took me home. I told him 'if you want to get together again let me know.' and never heard back. So I certainly didn't try contacting him again as I got the hint he wasn't interested.
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Three times? Shouldn't you move on if they just turn you down once?
No that was the rule I learned in Mozart and the Whale book when a guy told Jerry the three strike rule about dating. He scared a girl out of his math class because he didn't get the hint that she didn't like him that way and the fact she quit going to their class was because she switched pout of it so he was now calling her. He still didn't get the hint when he could never get a hold of her. So she sent that guy after him and that was when he told him about the three strike rule.
Sooo...if you get rejected once, you should try two more times? Why would the woman reject you in the first place if she actually wants to date you?
Three times? Shouldn't you move on if they just turn you down once?
No that was the rule I learned in Mozart and the Whale book when a guy told Jerry the three strike rule about dating. He scared a girl out of his math class because he didn't get the hint that she didn't like him that way and the fact she quit going to their class was because she switched pout of it so he was now calling her. He still didn't get the hint when he could never get a hold of her. So she sent that guy after him and that was when he told him about the three strike rule.
Sooo...if you get rejected once, you should try two more times? Why would the woman reject you in the first place if she actually wants to date you?
Maybe she is busy, maybe she doesn't want to go where you want to take her. But after three times, you can assume she isn't into you so her loss. If she wants to go out with you, she will perhaps ask you out after she has struck out.
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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.
Three times? Shouldn't you move on if they just turn you down once?
No that was the rule I learned in Mozart and the Whale book when a guy told Jerry the three strike rule about dating. He scared a girl out of his math class because he didn't get the hint that she didn't like him that way and the fact she quit going to their class was because she switched pout of it so he was now calling her. He still didn't get the hint when he could never get a hold of her. So she sent that guy after him and that was when he told him about the three strike rule.
Sooo...if you get rejected once, you should try two more times? Why would the woman reject you in the first place if she actually wants to date you?
Maybe she is busy, maybe she doesn't want to go where you want to take her. But after three times, you can assume she isn't into you so her loss. If she wants to go out with you, she will perhaps ask you out after she has struck out.
And to confuse you even more there's "the thrill of the chase" & "playing hard to get"
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