How do I tell my partner I don't like him going "ssshhh"?

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Joe90
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29 Sep 2016, 3:50 am

I know I've had this sort of conversation on WP with you before but this is a little different. My partner is a very shushy person, and I know it's not me because I am not a loud person (I don't talk loud).
Sometimes when I'm talking to him he suddenly hears a noise outside and goes "ssh!" to me, even though the noise is just a motorcycle passing or a dog barking or something. I find that a bit rude, because living in a city you're bound to hear some noises, and he's lived in the city all his life.
He shushes so much, as though it's a habit. It's very hard to have a full-blown conversation with him without him being distracted by a noise that he has to listen to.

But anyway, the point of the question is, how do I politely tell him that I feel annoyed when he shushes me? I don't want him to think that's weird, because everyone else doesn't have a problem with being shushed, except me. So I don't want him to feel uncomfortable about emitting a common human phrase.


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EzraS
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29 Sep 2016, 4:09 am

How do you know him sushing others like that doesn't bother them? Seems extremely annoying to me. I think if that was done to me one too many times I would abruptly stop talking and just stare at him. And then not talk to him again for like a couple of days. Or maybe just start sushing him bsck at different times.



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29 Sep 2016, 6:05 am

I think it's normal to take offense if someone shushes you too often. Unless he thinks there is some kind of emergency going on it is poor manners.



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29 Sep 2016, 6:40 am

Tell him he's cut.


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kraftiekortie
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29 Sep 2016, 7:02 am

If he's "shushing" the traffic outside, that is an indication that he might have sensory issues.

Just tell him that you don't like him "shushing" all the time. Be direct about it. Say "please and "thank you," etc.



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29 Sep 2016, 7:10 am

I would say something right when he does it and that way, hopefully, he will remember not to do it again. I would be stern (not mad - there is a difference) about it too. It's rude.


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Joe90
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29 Sep 2016, 7:11 am

He doesn't shush everybody else, I just mean that I don't think anyone else gets as upset as I do when shushed. I remember kids shushing each other when I was a kid, but that was usually due to either hiding from each other, doing a prank, or doing something they know they shouldn't so not wanting adults to hear them doing it. But as an adult I don't expect to be shushed as much, by other adults, unless it's for a good reason.

But I am not breaking up with him over something like that.


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kraftiekortie
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29 Sep 2016, 8:02 am

"Shush" him back LOL



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29 Sep 2016, 8:09 am

I don't think you should break up with him either over this. Maybe you can find a delicate way to make your feelings known because it's likely he doesn't realize he is upsetting you. Sensory issues on his part is certainly a possibility.



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29 Sep 2016, 8:12 am

Just be polite about it. Just like he would be (hopefully) if he doesn't like one of your habits.



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29 Sep 2016, 10:49 am

I hate that shush noise. It goes right through me like a bullet. The last time someone did that to me, I looked right at them, and in a perfectly normal-volumed voice, I said "Did you just shush me?" And I gave them my best WTF!?! look.

They did not shush me again.

If it was an intimate partner, I might be more inclined to explain to them that its both a sensory issue, and to me, a matter of respect. Shushing is something you do to inferiors. Its not a friendly request, its a command. And that feels wrong to me in a relationship.



nurseangela
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29 Sep 2016, 10:55 am

somanyspoons wrote:
The last time someone did that to me, I looked right at them, and in a perfectly normal-volumed voice, I said "Did you just shush me?" And I gave them my best WTF!?! look.


This made me lmao! :mrgreen: I'm trying to picture just what a "WTF look" looks like.


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Joe90
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29 Sep 2016, 12:05 pm

Normally I don't point out people's flaws to them. I am too tactful. But I agree with what Somanyspoons said, about how shushing can feel like a command.
Sometimes my mum says "sshh!" when I'm being hyper and shouting instead of talking, but that's OK. I just say "sorry" and talk a bit calmer. I don't generally talk loud though, and if I do I am aware of it.

But last night my partner said something funny, and I laughed. Then he said "sshh", so I stopped laughing and asked why he was shushing me for laughing, and he said people might hear. But so what if people hear somebody laugh? I wasn't even laughing loud, in fact I was laughing quietly, and we were in his apartment. Then when I explained to him that it doesn't matter if people hear and that people won't hear anyway, he then agreed with me.
After that, I temporarily lost my intimacy for a few minutes, because being shushed is a turn-off.

The next time he shushes me, I might ask if he is worried about anything, like if he's paranoid. If he answers "no, why?", I will say, "well, you're very shushy. You need to relax!" in a jokingly sort of way.
He's not paranoid about what his neighbours can hear, because we have sex loud (well, louder than how I laughed), and have conversations loud, and he sometimes has his music on really loud in the evenings.


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29 Sep 2016, 12:22 pm

somanyspoons wrote:
I hate that shush noise. It goes right through me like a bullet. The last time someone did that to me, I looked right at them, and in a perfectly normal-volumed voice, I said "Did you just shush me?" And I gave them my best WTF!?! look.

They did not shush me again.


You must have been intimidating to them in some way. I learned long ago never to do anything like that, which essentially means taking respect for granted, because they could just as easily reply, with a defiant attitude, "Yes, I did—got a problem with that?", and I'd end up even more humiliated than before. There's also the less overtly confrontational approach (some would probably say the cowardly approach) of acting like your response is an obvious sign that you're mentally unsound, a fully generic reply weirdos like me get all the time and works flawlessly to invalidate us regardless of the situation or what we said or did.

somanyspoons wrote:
If it was an intimate partner, I might be more inclined to explain to them that its both a sensory issue, and to me, a matter of respect. Shushing is something you do to inferiors. Its not a friendly request, its a command. And that feels wrong to me in a relationship.


To me, it means, "I've decided you are my inferior, because I have no need to respect you. Any kind of interaction between us will be based on this premise. If you don't like it, you'd better not expect anything good from me, and remember I can always decide to attack you in any way I like".


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29 Sep 2016, 12:43 pm

Just tell him to STFU.

If he is not fond of that response, then why are you together?



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29 Sep 2016, 12:53 pm

I agree with others that this is rude. I personally feel it's extraordinarily rude and dismissive, even though I would tend to assume the best of your boyfriend and guess that he doesn't actually intend to be that rude -- but it is REALLY rude.

It's not something equals ideally use on each other over and over and over. I can see where if there's a sound of a break in during the night, and you both wake up, and one of you is panicking and talking incessantly, and the other one also panicking goes "shhhh!" because they need to hear if anything else is happening before getting up and doing something. ONce in a while an emergency "Shhhush!" is okay.

But to make a habit of it, and to even shush you for laughing.........it's not worthy of breaking up for but it IS complete rubbish, seriously Joe.

He shouldn't be doing that. It's so suppressive on his part.

I agree with some of the suggestions, I love the "Did you just SHUSH me???" and the WTF face. A really good stare with a Wtf face can work wonders at reminding someone what they just did was out of line.

Seriously I'm sure he's a great guy but this constant shushing habit is out of order.It's disrespectful and treating you like a kid.


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