How can you tell if someone is being sincere or just using?

Page 1 of 1 [ 12 posts ] 

fluter
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 19 Apr 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 191
Location: NYC

31 Oct 2016, 10:45 pm

How can you tell if someone is giving you a sincere compliment on your work, or is simply "buttering you up" so they can get a ride to the train station, or some other benefit? Are there any signs I can look for? As it is, I always assume that everything is insincere, because I think it's safer. However, I realize that this might hurt people's feelings if they are indeed giving a sincere compliment, and I also realize that this is maybe thwarting some potential friendships.



slw1990
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jan 2014
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,406

31 Oct 2016, 11:00 pm

When they don't normally give you compliments or they act hot and cold towards you.



Noca
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 May 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,932
Location: Canada

01 Nov 2016, 10:03 pm

^ and if the hot and cold person's compliment is immediately followed by a request.



CockneyRebel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jul 2004
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 121,237
Location: In my own little country

02 Nov 2016, 12:30 am

I find it very hard to tell, because I've been used so many times in my life.


_________________
The Family Schlager


IxEve
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 25 Oct 2016
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 23

02 Nov 2016, 5:16 am

Agree with the hot and cold, a co-worker is like this with me, at first I thought it was a mood swing thing but her attempts at 'meaningful' small talk/compliments always ended in 'do you mind if I leave early' or 'are you driving past this video store so you can drop something off for me?" where as in every other situation she pretty much ignores me, took 6 months to see the pattern but it's good to feel pretty confident in saying 'no' now.


_________________
Undiagnosed but strongly suspect I'm on the spectrum.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 169 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 41 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


SilverProteus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jul 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,915
Location: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

02 Nov 2016, 6:17 am

People who are overly polite are almost always after something, in my experience.


_________________
"Lightning is but a flicker of light, punctuated on all sides by darkness." - Loki


beady
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2013
Age: 67
Gender: Female
Posts: 900

02 Nov 2016, 7:58 am

Some people are very skilled manipulators. I find these people almost impossible to see through but one red flag is that they are very selfish if you just look at the pattern over time. At first it seems that they want to please you, but then you will see that they listen to what you are saying less and less and gently force their will or desire and you slowly realize that they only wanted to please you as long as it is what they wanted as well.
So, examine the relationship, do you take turns doing things for each other? Do they have a sincere desire to make you happy? or is it almost always about pleasing or taking care of themselves?



League_Girl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 27,317
Location: Pacific Northwest

02 Nov 2016, 12:21 pm

If you have always been an outcast and people were not nice to you before and then all of a sudden they are and want to be your friend and stuff and that is after you have done something awesome or got something cool.

If someone has always been mean to you and then all of a sudden they are nice to you. Be skeptical about it.

But unfortunately some people just have hot and cold personalities and if they do it to everyone, it's very tough to tell, those people drive me crazy and make me feel tense because of their unpredictability. I just steer clear of them. But fortunately I have only known one of them in real life and only one online. My ex's mother was also like this but she had Bipolar so anything could set her off. One minute things are fine and the next thing I know, she is angry at her husband because she is yelling at him and I wonder how in the world does he put up with it and deal with it because for me I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I would be so scared and act like I am being abused because of walking on eggshells and fearing my partner.


_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.


randomeu
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 May 2016
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 628
Location: In the wonderful world of i dont know

02 Nov 2016, 6:48 pm

two guys used me on and off really, one minute they acted like my friends and then the other they wouldnt stop telling me to kill myself and how much better it would be without "downy" me in the world. id always fall for it too, mainly because i have no friends so im a little desperate for approval i guess, im the guy the came to whenever they needed help on coursework or we had to do group projects, being one of the smartest in the class (granted i didnt have much competition in the ways of intelligence). i genuinely cant tell when someone is just sucking up to me to get something.....probably why it always worked. but if i had to guess its probably if someone who is usually very hostile towards you is suddenly really friendly, whenever someone compliments me (that isnt a family member) i now always think of what things they might want from me and if i cant think of anything then maybe they are sincere


_________________
AQ score: 45

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 174 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 30 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


Officially diagnosed 30th june 2017


fluter
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 19 Apr 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 191
Location: NYC

02 Nov 2016, 10:25 pm

Well I don't know what to do. I am so tired of feeling so sad because yesterday it seemed I was likable but now I'm not. And it's only been 22 hours. I have no idea ever if anyone ever sincerely wants to talk to me, and I am so tired of guessing and guessing wrong. I don't know when I'll get good at it. Even my cat probably doesn't like me. He probably only wants food.



fluter
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 19 Apr 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 191
Location: NYC

02 Nov 2016, 10:46 pm

Another thing I'm annoyed at: How come I can't start a conversation without people asking why I'm asking something? Last week, I asked a colleague whether she was going to her other job soon, since last week she told me that she was going to her other job now. So I strike up a conversation, "Are you going to work tonight?" And she looks at me like I'm nuts and asks why I'm asking. I said, "I'm just trying to make a conversation." Why are other people allowed to start the conversation, but not me???

I'm on the end of a rope and I wish it would break so I could fall and break my neck already.



questor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Apr 2011
Age: 66
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,696
Location: Twilight Zone

03 Nov 2016, 4:40 pm

I figured out early on that when people said nice things to me, they were either trying to get something, or were trying to manipulate my behavior, to be the way they wanted me to behave. I naturally resented this, and still do. It won't work on my behavior, but I have occasionally caved on giving people what they wanted, in the hope of reducing the stress of dealing with them. Generally, it ends up making me mad at myself, though, and that adds to my stress. :roll:


_________________
If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away.--Henry David Thoreau