I could be diagnosed as schizophrenic, or close

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I have a 500 page journal that, if read by anyone else, would probably get me committed. Is anyone in the same boat? My inner world is just *so deep.* I feel like if anyone actually knew what went on in my head, I would be considered absolutely bonkers... my mind is just so powerful, I can't help it I'm always thinking, judging, analyzing... and I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. I have painted myself in a real corner to where I respect very few people, because almost everyone through either vanity, selfishness, or laziness violates one of my "rules for living," rules such as "do not waste half of your time and money on perfecting your skin tone" that seem so obviously right to me. I enjoy spending time with certain people, but there isn't a single person I've met who can live up to my standards... everyone is so locked in his/her own patterns of thinking and ways of perceiving that they become caricatures of themselves. Damn it, I hate this feeling of never being able to truly connect, except in brief moments of shared pleasure such as jamming with my friends or laughing. I can feel connected in the moment, but never overall.

I also have what many would probably label delusions of grandeur, but they seriously aren't delusions to me, which is kind of the scary part. I've learned through studying Buddhism and related Eastern philosophies that we are all God, and I believe this is true. If you master your mind, you've mastered your universe, and you basically are God. Now, I just said that I couldn't stop thinking even if I wanted to, which is true... that is basically the only thing I can't do, but I have mastered my thoughts/mind to where I am determining my reality far beyond what 99.999% of people could ever dream of.

I'm really glad I've learned about Asperger's, because if I hadn't, I would probably think that I was "crazy." But the thing is, as crazy as the above paragraph sounds, I know it isn't "crazy" because many other people believe the same thing. I basically believe that I have reached enlightenment, or at least the first stage. It only seems crazy because the vast majority of people can't think outside the box enough to accept something like that.

Cripes. Any thoughts?

The concept that others might be just as smart and think quite similar to you has been a little beyond you hasn't it?

You're an INTJ.

We have morbid and strange idea's; our internal worlds are our sanctuaries.
You arn't the only one, it seems that you have failed to meet others with the same intellect and typology as you.

What I think is you arn't so different so stop worrying.

Yayyyy. I'd much rather be less special and not crazy than the opposite. Although, I swear, I'm pretty f*****g out there.

Hell so am I,
Consentual and traditional is boring, if we did everything textbooks and laws told us to and thought the way textbooks and laws and society told us to we'd never expend, never grow and I'd shoot myself. Put shains on knowledge, on the power of one's mind? No way. The human mind can be an extraordinary thing, its incredibly powerful no matter your IQ or your typology or any of that if you know how to use it well its powers are limitless.

We thrive for the unknown, to put order into anything in what we choose. To make connections, associations, ect. The world is our playground and I'm starting to sound corny. The point is, you have control of your thoughts even if at minimum and subconsious you know how to sort what is real and what is not, what is theory and what is not. We would say, "we could fly if we did X" and plot it out, maybe by some chance once thought out completely we would assert our idea personally or indirectly, someone with Scizophrenia would be like, "I can fly with paper" and come to some strange conclusion on how it would worth and henceforth do so.

This of course depends on the type of schizophrenia. Personally I think Schizophrenia is WAY over-diagnosed. I have some odd theories on why this is but I do NOT beleive everyone that is Schizophrenic really is. Also, Schizophrenia is a vast DX with multiple sub-dx's and is often potrayed incorrectly.

If you can master and control the universe, then what about controlling your perceptions and attitude to make your life easier to bear?

Just a thought...

As long as you know that we are *all* god, you're fine. If you're the only god, then you've got a problem.

I don't have the strong sense of ability that you seem to, but my question is the same - if we are all god (and I think we are), what should I/we do?

What it is you do best.

The thing is I can adjust my attitude, I'm happy... I just don't want to be committed, and I don't want to hurt my family by giving them the impression I'm insane.

If someone found my personal written journals, they'd probably think I'd need some serious psychiatric help too. Sometimes I seem really angry, extremely frustrated and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and yeah some of the stuff they might read could be considered delusional. I'm not really any of that except for really frustrated. I usually write in my personal journal at my worst, when I'm feeling really frustrated. Sometimes I write in there when I'm at my best. Some of my greatest ideas come up late at night and I feel the need to write them. Sometimes they can be really interesting theories or philosophies that maybe a genius would write.

One entry in particular I wrote looks like something a person with schizophrenia would write. It's really random and odd. I laugh when I read it. I was just being really random one night though, I'm not schizophrenic. Although sometimes if you think too much it can make you crazy. You start thinking of things like wondering if reality is real or if your whole life is a dream. It's a possibility, but probably thinking too much about this kind of thing can make you go insane.

There have been many times where I thought I was going insane, but it was probably just a nervous breakdown. Sometimes I've even desired insanity just to see what it feels like. Not caring about anything at all. There's no way I'd want to be commited though after hearing what mental hospitals can be like.

If you like encouragment in these sort of questions, try searching keywords.

I randomly found these just now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3E8CAWawn2g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69naEQ7YGbA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhK7S2juyvQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxk1-0CirjI

and some more "hands-on" stuff

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhV3O3b0lco
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CPMzXFwEeE

"Seek and you shall find"

I hope you come to a valid conclusion soon!

we had to do writing portfolios in highschool... they ranked them as novice, apprentice, proficient, and distinguished... you work on them all throughout highschool and turn them in your senior year.

i got a distinguished on mine and a free pass to our school's counselor's office my entire senior year as my reward.

Express your "insanity" in a "safe" or "constructive" manner.That is one key fucntion of "the arts".Get it out in front of you and examine it,try to respect it,otherwise it may fester.Sometimes it's not as bad as we fear,and sometimes it a glorious thing to behold.

The rules:just don't harm anyone else,and have the guts to get help if you are really going to harm yourself.

Being diagnosed as schizophrenic doesn't mean you are barking mad by default. I was diagnosed with "Schizophrenic disorder" along with Asperger's and the person who diagnosed it didn't seem to think it was that important. When I had a SPECT scan done and they diagnosed me with ADD as well (but not Schizophrenic disorder specifically), they said the two sometimes go together.

My goodness, I've only watched the first two, but so far I am exactly like these guys... I really want to meet and have discourse with these people, wow.

At least you aren't suffering from low self-esteem!