I wish i was normal..

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When i was first diagnosed, i thought it was pretty cool that i was not only unique, but i could meet other people like me. And the diagnoses has helped me learn what is appropriate behaviour and what isnt. I wouldve never learned about body language if i hadnt been diagnosed.

However... I still wish i was normal... And by normal, i mean i wish i could understand social rules like everyone else, i wish i wasnt so sensitive to sensory input, i wish i didnt get so confused with tasks and i wish i could prioritize... I was just thinking of my fan characters, a group of 5 sonic fan characters who are all friends, i thought about how they would react if they met me and i knew that they wouldn't like me... I wish my dad could be more proud of me, i wish my mom would try and connect with me. I wish i knew how to comfort my depressed friend. I wish people saw me how i see me, i wish i could talk better and talk about my thoughts. I can do these things, but theyre a lot harder for me to do than anyone else, its easier to give up.

I dunno, just thinking outloud.

I know that feel. I used to want to be normal. I even almost succeeded at having a relatively normal life for a while, but then I realized that even while having a job and making ends meet etc without any assistance people would not see me as a human being. They'd talk down to me, they'd take advantage of me, they'd just all around act like I was less than them. So now I'm not so unhappy with not being normal anymore, if it means not being like them. Don't think that not being normal means you are worth less, and never let anyone treat you like it does.

I know your feeling of frustration. I want to be "normal," too.

I made my wife quite frustrated a couple of days ago because of my executive functioning issues.

It's really a pain in the butt to be autistic.

But I think the Sonic characters would like you.

Yes, I wish I could be normal too. I function pretty well now but, as little as five years ago, I was doing practically nothing. I also wish my brain wouldn't freeze up at important moments.

I wish I could live in Santa Maria. The central West Coast of California is nice.

I also wish I didn't "freeze up" at the wrong moments, either.

I "froze up" once when I had to give a presentation for "Honors Day" at my college.

I wrote something about the history of Linguistics. I just could not get the words out. I ended up giving a crap presentation.

I have "executive functioning" difficulties when I am unable to organize, well, presentations. And when I have to clean up my apartment, I screw up on the "sequencing." My wife is very good at that stuff. It takes me twice or three times as long as her to clean up a certain room.

I'm just too "scattered." I have trouble focusing.

I fluctuate and have days when I wish I were normal, and days when I'm glad I'm not. My last "freezing" episode was a little ironic. It was a couple of weeks ago, I was giving a presentation on autism to my colleagues at work, and as soon as I got done explaining the trouble we often have processing more than one piece of incoming information at once, my boss asked a question, and I had an answer all lined up, but suddenly the phone in the room next door rang, and all my words disappeared completely. I just stood there stammering like an idiot, and it took me at least a minute or two to remember the question and bring the answer back to mind. I felt pretty silly, but it was a good real-life example of the kind of behaviour I was trying to teach everyone about!

I wish I was normal too. I want to live on my own and be able to do stuff on my own without melting down or getting into arguments with strangers. I'm intelligent and have a fantastic memory for things most people consider mundane, but at the cost of being socialised. It sucks.

me too.
the downsides of autism such as inability to function in society, permanent virginity, permanent lack of a real social life, humiliation when engaged in social situations, severe chronic depression, etc. are simply too much.
the ideal for me would be autistic but without the social downsides i think, because this ruined my life beyond repair.

Toastmasters is a great organization for people who are anxious about speaking in public. Even if you aren't anxious, the organization can help you organize your thoughts better and present them in a coherent way. If anyone is interested, I encourage you to check out a club in your town. I read an article in the Toastmaster magazine about a young man with Asperger syndrome who overcame his fears and joined Toastmasters and is doing quite well.

I probably wouldn't mind having autism in a more primitive society, like an agrarian or early industrial one, but today in modern society I hate it. Our supposedly enlightened, advanced civilization values brown nosing one's "superiors", who are superior due largely to their luck in being born to the existing elite, and climbing the social ladder, and "knowing one's place", above all else. All this requires advanced social skills and an ability to intuitively "read" people, which auties don't have. So, we're outcasts, even among outcasts.

In an agricultural society, we were likely the "bachelor farmers" that are occasionally mentioned in the accounts of early English settlements in America. In that world, it was of utmost importance to have kids so as to pass on one's farm to them. The "bachelor farmer" shouldn't have existed, but he pops up again and again in the old texts. Some scholars have suggested that the bachelors may have been homosexual, but never marrying would have simply made their community suspicious, and besides even in our world homosexual males often make a point of marrying and having kids to try and fool people. The more likely thing is that they were autistic. In an industrial society, an autie would have been valued by capitalists because he would be less likely to socialize with the other workers and from there be drawn into union/communist organizations.

Even further back, in a hunter-gatherer society we would have been the most valued hunters for our ability to hunt prey for weeks on end away from the social interaction of the clan in the caves back home. This may be why so many more boys than girls have autism, males were the hunters who brought meat back to the clan, and for a nomadic hunter the ability to follow prey for weeks on end is quite valuable.

And then there's the shamans of ancient pre-monotheistic civilizations. Didn't you say that your dad is some sort of shaman in your Native American tribe in Canada? Have you considered learning your tribe's ancient beliefs from him? I've heard time and again how people's native beliefs keep being demolished in favor of (usually) Christianity. I once read a newspaper article about a Hmong (refugees from Laos, their leaders made the mistake of supporting the USA during the Vietnam War) shaman and he was lamenting that nobody in his community cares about their ancient beliefs anymore, the missionaries have turned them all into fundamentalist Christians who keep harassing non-Christian Hmong about accepting Jesus so they won't burn in Hell. Ancient beliefs are being destroyed around the world and people being railroaded into Christianity and Islam. Maybe you could find purpose in preserving your tribe's ancient ways. That's more purpose than I'll ever have-my parents (mom especially) were members of a cult. Ugh.

^ very intriguing write-up. makes me think there really is something to the neanderthal theory of autism.