My autism is more noticeable than i think it is, relatable?

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I keep thinking that my behaviour and social skills are improving, and they are, but people keep telling me that im far from seeming "not autistic" though,

Ive been like this my whole life though i never was aware of how awkward or inappropriate i actually am. I think its a self awareness thing.

Anyone relate?

I feel like people lie to me when they say "ohhh i couldnt tell you seem socially normal to me". whenever i ask my friend who is also kinda on the spectrum, he tells me the pure truth. "you are very intelligent but socially ret*d."

My self awareness changes unpredictability -- I could've been really noticeably autistic one day and completely aware of it, or had been an inconspicuously autistic and unaware of it. Sometimes it's true I'm conspicuously autistic enough and not knowing it, or surely knowing that it is the case that I'm unnoticeable enough to be autistic.

I don't know if it's based on what I just ate or my mood or whatwhat.

When I was younger, one can mistook me enough for a level 2 autistic solely on body language alone and I had no idea until I was like, 14-15. Then starting to get a bit clearer around 17-18.

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I as many undiagnosed autistics knew I was significantly different from most people. A crucial benefit of my diagnosis was finding out I was a lot more different than I thought. My diagnosis says moderate to severe aspergers. The moderate-severe part stripped away a lot of misconceptions.

Sometimes it doesn't enter my mind, other times I'm paranoid that everyone else's interaction is being filtered and tailored to the ever so slight eccentric before them... or if I'm just imagining things. I'm not so good at mind-reading, so it's a tiring guessing-game. I'm a bit nostalgic for the days when my work tasks were simpler and even more glad for the breaks I have from it along the way now.

Until I was diagnosed, I was convinced that I was borderline and didn't show any outward autistic behaviours. I was confused that people didn't seem to respond to me as well as I expected, because I didn't think I acted autistic at all.

Diagnosis sort of took the screen off for me. I now realise. But I do constantly look back and wonder how I ever felt 'normal'. That said, many of the people that know I'm autistic have said "You can't tell", so who knows?

I thought I was very good at masking my differences.... But I think the guys from HR knew something was off about me...I even mastered that gaze avoidance issue just to pass interviews.... I mean I can look at them in the eye almost indefinitely.... They are the ones who avoided eye to eye contact...so I guess I won....

I can relate. It took me a long time to come to terms with that I am autistic, and even longer to accept that I will likely never be able to seem 100% normal in the eyes of others. And that's okay. Normal shouldn't be a thing to strive for - being yourself and being happy with you who are should be.

Yup...their idea of fun is becoming better than others our idea of fun is becoming better than our former selves...

The thought is something I'm sometimes paranoid about, but I choose not to tell anyone about it. It's been years and no one has suspected anything.

I went through childhood being told by my mum, literally, to try and act ‘more normal’. It’s amusing that much later on it would be her to first suspect anything more to my behaviour beyond depressed, and odd. I've recently had attention called to how I hold my arms when I’m working in the kitchen. Between tasks I either keep them very level (forearms held at 90 degrees) or wrapped around me in a rather pathetic self-hug. I don’t know why I do that. Now I’m aware of it though - it’s the same deal from when my old therapist would draw attention to my refusal to meet her eyes - now I’m extremely aware of it and far less comfortable as a result.

Yes. I am very intelligent but stim a lot and touch objects obsessively (this is linked to OCD), even in public. Idiots in the streets have pointed at me and called me stupid (and worse) yet they don't know I have a degree and am working on a second.