If I end up being confirmed on the spectrum do I tell wife?

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I have a daughter who was diagnosed on the Austism spectrum last year and ever since it has gotten me thinking about myself. I am sensitive to sensory stuff, specifically light, sound and smells, I am awful anticipating what people want from me or whether anything anyone says is a lie or not, my memory is insanely specific.
Anyway my question is, if I see a dr and get diagnosed should I tell my wife? She is already in the psychology field, and I feel like if I am diagnosed she would be angry that she didnt see it, and be angry at me. Maybe regret marrying me or something. But I could be really wrong here, honestly I have no idea what her reaction would be. I do know that when I mentioned it a while back, she dismissed it as a possibility.
I am not saying that if I were to go see someone that my diagnosis would be a sure thing, I have no idea, if I did why would I go in the first place, right? But if the answer was yes... I have no idea what I would do.
Opinions?

Last edited by Primenumber19 on 15 Dec 2016, 12:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you want to save the marriage, you might want to sneak up on her with information about the variety of ways AS can present. Much depends on her attitude to being corrected. I had a wife who would not listen to anything I said on a topic I'd studied quite successfully for years because her general education level was higher. Dunning-Kruger is everywhere, waiting to override logic with emotion.

Yes. I would also tell her if you were in the process of being evaluated. If you go to her after receiving a diagnosis, she might feel blindsighted and excluded.

Parents finding out they are autistic because of thier children are diagnosed is common.

You can not withhold such important information about yourself from your wife. Yes it might turn out out badly, but it is less bad to find out now.

Hope it works out for all involved

Normally I would say yes with no doubts about it, but various things I've seen lately that shows how judgmental people are has made me wonder if people really need or have a right to know.

But this is your wife you're talking about and honesty is VERY important so.. You should tell her. If she loves you, that diagnosis shouldn't change that, you are still the same person she chose to marry.

I'd say tell her, if she gets mad then simply just say it's fine as she's not a specialist in that certain psychology field.

Why would you be scared to tell your own wife in the first place though, that already says to me she might be a bit of a dickhead? Your wife is meant to be your life partner you can tell anything to and you both support each other with anything. If she won't support you with something like this then she wasn't worth it in the first place imo. Also if she's denied it the first time is that her possibly having a bit of an ego and denying it cause "she'd never be seen with an autistic man" or whatever? Don't let her put you down for it since it's who you are if you ARE diagnosed with it.

If you were diagnosed with it then you'd be high functioning so it's not that much of a big deal in the first place since you can clearly mesh in with NTs. I wouldn't worry about it so much.

It occurs to me that much depends on the relationship as it exists with your wife.

It may be most helpful if the subject come up around the ways you support and care for daughter on the spectrum.

The most gentle ways to introduce the subject is asking if she had observes any similar traits in you. that may then put you in the useful position of ten looking at part of daughter which is puzzling, and you can then share useful experience , eg "I find situation X causes me to feel a bit uncomfortable because. It is possible that our daughter feels this but much more severely and this might be why we always have difficulty when we do...."

I think it possible that these sort of approaches can bring you close together as parents.

Your wife's observations may then help you decide whether to investigate getting yourself assessed.

It is quite common for undiagnosed autistic adults to be diagnosed because one of their children is diagnosed. It may be that the child presents their autistic self more severely, or that had the parent been young today their presentation would be recognised now, but not at the time the parent was growing up.

If you came over as raising your suspicions of being autistic to have an excuse for thoughtless actions, life could be difficult. On the end their hand, investigating to understand why there might be difficult areas so that work rounds can be made to reduce difficulty for everyone then objecgions are likely to be fewer.

I found observations from my beloved were an extremely valuable part of my own journey from suspicions, through to research and eventually to being assessed and found autistic

You won't know for sure how your wife would react unless you take the risk, will you now?

I vote that you tell her, that is if you do end up getting diagnosed.

Your wife may have decided you are not AS because you seem to be missing some rigid definition she uses. My counsellor was recently astounded to learn some details after eight years of confusion. Generally, when you try to correct an adult who is not a scientist looking for answers you wind up bruising their ego and getting attacked for that. Subconsciously, she might be kicking herself for having had an AS daughter, and not seeing the risk. Dropping one hint a week might work.

It's not that she is a bad person or anything like that, frankly on a moral level she is one of the few people who I put even above myself. But one of the reasons I married her is also a downside, I never have any idea what she is thinking, feeling, or what she is going to say. Most people, once you learn how to read facial ticks, tone of voice, and little signs in their body combined with familiarity of their general thought process become an open boring book. Not my wife, 11 years later and she's still a total mystery to me. She might be thrilled I went out and looked into it, she might be angry I hid it from her, I seriously have no freaking idea.

I just assumed that people here would have decent advice on how to proceed when you have no idea what someone else is thinking or how they might react.

Possible, I can see her ego being bruised if I were to be diagnosed. She has worked with hundreds of people on the spectrum, and knew our daughter was on it well before she was diagnosed. But I was 20 when we met, and I had already developed a literal mountain of coping mechanisms, techniques to read people and tricks to try to appear as normal as possible in social situations.

But I have always told her my memory works weirdly, I can feel light on my skin, my sense of smell is insane, and that when I witness something emotionally uncomfortable, I without realizing it will cover my ears and hum to drown it out. Pretty much how I was for two hours during Meet the Parents in the theater, one of my most unpleasant movie experiences of my life.

She knows I am not normal, but I think she also feels I have a tendency to be dramatic, (I do) that I over analyze myself (I do) and that I am vain (I am).

In other words, I really have no idea what to do right now.

People always have moods that make them more or less receptive, but your wife may have a split personality. I also once observed a schizophrenic at home. Her mother would frequently make ambiguous statements, and when her daughter would react to one meaning, the mother would then claim she meant the other.

Split personality might be taking it a bit too far. I am not even sure that is a real diagnosis anymore, dissassociative identity disorder is what I think it is called. She gets a little panicky during bad moments, but during the normal course of life she is the low maintenance one who keeps us grounded.

Actually, they might ask you to bring her in with you as they want someone not on the spectrum who knows you well. It acts as a kind of control group. They should be in the best position to answer her concerns and questions far better than you can. It also is true that living a lie for the sake of others sacrifices your life at the alter of theirer beliefs, correct or not. Not a good way to live...