Long Story, So Here It Goes...

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I'm new to this website, but I have a lot to get off of my chest, so here it goes.
I hate my diagnosis. I know it's not the worst in the world and that I'm not alone, and it never bothered me until a couple of years ago, when I realized how many stories there were online of notorious "lolcows'' with my same condition who were mocked and despised for their strange behaviors and obsessions and seeing myself in them. I also started to realize just in what ways I truly was different from others, and the preconceptions or assumptions people made of me because of it... though I knew I was as smart as anyone else (and in some areas probably smarter), when I started high school in a new district I was put on the special needs bus for the first couple weeks of my freshman year, "just to be safe." To them it was a safety precaution just in case I couldn't handle the possible overstimulation of the normal school bus, but to me it was almost an insult to my intelligence, as if they were saying I was too different from everybody else to ride the same bus as my new friends. I was promoted to the regular bus on my parents' request.
Also, up until a few years ago, my stimming was very loud and disruptive, and unmanageable. I'd run around the classroom, squealing and clapping, lost in my fantasies. The teachers allowed it and tried ignoring it, as did some students, but others would poke fun at it, calling it "the show.'' What I regret most is doing it in front of the boy of my dreams before he knew me very well, possibly turning him off to me early on. I know I should hope for someone who will accept me unconditionally, but sometimes I wonder if our relationship would've turned out any differently if I'd been born neurotypical. I was so worried he'd get bored with me that I kept trying to be funny and cracked a lot of uncomfortable/awkward/sexual jokes, and I was so obsessed with him that I couldn't stop following him around even when I knew he just wanted space and truly wanted to give that to him and stop annoying him, and I had to be hospitalized with depression after he started dating someone from another school and seeing everything I'd ever dreamed about for the two of us in their romance and that the girl in question had everything I could ever ask for. I still think about him every day, and I feel like it's improved considerably, but we'll never have quite what I wanted for the both of us and soon I'll never see him again. A good friend of ours told me once that sometimes, the boy was so overwhelmed by my stalking and unintentional harassment that sometimes he would break down in tears, and that just shattered my heart.
I'm ashamed to be autistic and, after seeing how many of them die alone when all I want is to find love and be surrounded by friends who I love and enjoy. I see people my age dating and going to prom and kissing and cuddling and talking and laughing, and I honestly don't know if I'll ever get to experience a romance. I'm just so good at keeping myself entertained and accustomed to keeping myself preoccupied that I either forget or don't care to socialize, and I'm worried about being alone. I love my stuffed animal/doll collection (even though I feel like that just sets me apart, almost as being "even more autistic") but I can barely talk about anything that interests people my own age or get into anything like that. People tell me I'm smart and insightful, but I'm not sure of how to show that to the people I want most to see it and I just wind up acting weird/childish/immature in a way that I really start coming off as the "special needs" kid. I hate being associated with other special needs people (I know that sounds awfully snobbish, and I'm sorry) though I try to be open and accepting of them, and if I met someone on the spectrum/with special needs who was fun and interesting I'd be open to them, and I'd never bully anyone with special needs. But I look up to kids like my crush and my one good friend at school, who are smart and put effort into their work and get good grades, and after seeing a lot of the examples of people in special education that don't/can't put effort into their work, don't try, think school is an abomination, etc. I feel like I'm just further away from being like them even though I try to be a decent student (and, admittedly, I do get careless with some things, but currently I'm on the honor roll) and am in AP English. Sooo... does anyone have any advice/input?

It was painful reading your story.

A few times I thought I had met the woman of my dreams and I messed it up big time. I behaved childishly, tried so hard to get her attention, kept talking to her after she told me not to, even got warned by the police I could be charged with harassment.

So I do understand what's it like to have your heart broken and be so devastated by it. I also know how it feels to be ashamed of yourself because you wish you had said or done differently to what you did. But of course each person is different and every relationship is too. So I don't know your exact feelings or circumstances.

I would say though that you can't always blame yourself. Sometimes it's just not meant to be. There isn't always chemistry there. It can be the case that the person of your dreams is not someone who ever dreams of you. It's sad but for some reason it does happen. Life is weird.

I've so many times been in this situation it makes me feel depressed. I don't really know the answer. And actually I've just again fallen in love with a woman and I'm terrified it's going to be the same old story. That I'll like her, she'll be totally disinterested, and I'll make a fool of myself.

I just think Cupid should fire his arrows more carefully. What are you doing to us, sir? Can't you see the suffering you're causing?

I do think if someone really loves you, like how you love them, they should accept you. People make mistakes. Relationships require some patience and understanding. When you meet the right person, they should have time to forgive you any mistakes, to understand your Asperger's syndrome. Maybe this guy wasn't the right one for you. I'm not saying that is definitely the case but at least keep an open mind about it.