What's my problem?!

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Hi everyone.. I'm new here. I was brought here after researching some issues I've been dealing with. A lot of things seem to point to HFA/Asperger's, but I'm having a hard time with the thought that maybe all my issues are because I have a real "problem." I come from a family that never believed something was an issue if they couldn't see it, so anything to do with mental health or "invisible" disabilities was brushed under the carpet so to speak. They sometimes even spoke as if such things weren't real, and that speaking to someone about said issues isn't necessary. I guess I'll start from the beginning...I don't remember too much about my childhood and a lot of things were passed off as "a phase" by my parents.

When I was a child, I recall being so at peace outside. Throw school in the mix and I was a basket case. For my whole first year or two after moving, I screamed and cried every morning and couldn't get myself dressed or ready for school. I dreaded it. I couldn't sleep at night and dozed off in 1st grade class often. When my parents would leave me at school I'd scream and cry, not letting them leave me there. After a long time they'd console me and I'd get through the day, albeit with many weird looks from other kids due to those incidents. Eventually I made a few friends but noticed I couldn't keep certain friends for too long. They would all of a sudden stop talking to me. I was a super shy and quiet kid so maybe that had something to do with it. As I got a little older in grade school, I was made fun of often and tried to do different things that would make me seem cool, like crafting realistic looking braces or retainers from silly putty and wires to get attention from other kids (it was cool at that time to get a colored retainer). I was mocked instead. Then I focused on being exactly like Cher from Clueless. I tried to dress and act exactly like them in 3rd grade. Then I attempted to be Alex Mack and was pretty convinced I had powers and dressed and acted just like her. My mom says I went through many obsessions as a kid but refers to it as "normal phases" a kid goes through.

Academically as a kid, I felt lost a lot. I felt like the other kids "got it" and I was just in a haze. I remember one teacher yelling at me because I couldn't do simple math or counting in front of my 1st grade class. I could read way ahead of my age group and was great at spelling ... eventually I somehow made it through many classes with good grades even though I still felt like I didn't know what I was doing. When I got to 4th grade and school became more complicated, I couldn't remember to do my homework or turn in Projects. I would forge pink slips that were supposed to go to my parents telling them I forgot my school work again. My parents blamed this on a new friend I made, but it was all me. I remember being pretty immersed in books. I always had an obsession with a certain set of books..Garfield comics for a long time..then Boxcar Kids...

Once I got to middle school, my obsession was with my appearance. I seemed to always think I didn't quite look right and would spend endless hours attempting to fix myself, even skipping class once (and calling the school pretending to be my mom, excusing me for missing class)..I was afraid of the teacher in that class and found myself very anxious in her class. I didn't eat like I should have and often spent almost entire lunch hours in the bathroom fixing my hair and makeup. I was still extremely shy and didn't talk a whole lot. I remember watching other girls and trying to figure out how to be like them rather than be friends with them. I used to study people's behavior and looks, trying to be like them, yet I remember thinking people were weird for many reasons. For example I've never been able to show my excitement or much emotion for things, which came off as calloused. On the inside, my brain knew it should react, but just didn't care to. I could feel extreme emotions like love/crush, sadness, and anger though.

I recall taking everything very seriously. I didn't get sarcasm or much humor (except sick bodily humor..lol) which made me quite depressed since I took whatever people said as a serious statement. Teachers often told me to "cheer up" and that I really needed to "smile more."

I often got mediocre grades in gym because my teachers didn't think I was trying. In reality I didn't really know what was going on. I continued to somehow get good grades in everything else though.

High school came along and I was again made fun of, even told to kill myself. Started to believe that. Dealt with depression and anxiety. Eventually I learned the art of HUMOR. Life changing. I started to laugh at things and makes friends because people thought I was funny. Still pretty quiet and shy though.

In college I dealt with a lot of anxiety. I couldn't ever figure out why I had been dealing with this ever since I was a child in school. I did well in my classes but felt so uneasy there. I used to even get lost pretty often trying to find the same class. Looking back, I wonder if I felt anxious because it was just a lot of sensory overload.

Now I'm a mom to 3 littles and I feel like every day I'm getting worse. It's been 7 years since I graduated college. I feel like I've dealt with anxiety and depression still, on and off since I was in grade school. BUT I never really thought to myself..maybe there's a reason for it.

I've gone through periods where I've felt fine and was really organized. Now, I can't even remember where I put my phone down. I've been suffering from place blindness for who knows how long and it's horrible in large stores. One day years ago I came across a video of what it's like for an autistic person in a large store and I nonchalantly said to my husband, wow that's exactly how it feels for me to go into any store..not thinking anything of it. But now that I've thought more about it and asked my husband if he does certain behaviors in his head, I've realized how abnormal I really am. For example...

1. Obsessions: not OCD because I don't feel like I have to do something - I find something to be an expert on and it's all I can think about until I move on.
2. Inability to block out stimuli - when I'm walking or in a store or anywhere really, I've realized I cannot block out stimuli. I hear and see everything together. I cannot walk a shopping cart down an aisle without seeing everything I walk past out of the corner of my eyes. How exhausting.
3. I cannot speak when other people near me are talking at the same time. All I can hear is their conversation and I can't focus on what I'm supposed to say.
4. Patterns: I've noticed I'm always looking for patterns - problematic when driving as I add up numbers on license plates and street signs to get to 10. I see patterns in fence lines, patterns in our curtains... I often trace things that I see over and over with my eyes.
5. Eye contact - Gosh I HATE IT. Always have had a problem with it.
6. Expression: My husband has now expressed as has family that I come across as constantly preoccupied in my mind, unemotional and uncaring. I try to do caring things, but my expressions apparently don't add up.
7. Over analyzing EVERYTHING. I think through details so much that I can barely answer questions anymore that aren't concrete answers.
8. Preparing myself mentally for days before I have to go somewhere.
9. Surprises are a big no-no ...unless I know about them because I've planned them. For example, if my husband says he is taking my kids to the store today, with no warning, cue freak out from me.
10. I'm apparently adamant that I'm correct despite not remembering a conversation correctly. Eventually if I remember the conversation, I'll own up to it. My husband is frustrated with that.
11. I don't understand a lot of people. This has become problematic in my marriage when my husband expresses how he feels, and I have barely any emotional response, or I don't "understand" why he is mad at me, I'm asking why he is saying I love you, why did he kiss me, etc
12. My executive functioning SUCKS. Thank God I have a very organized timely husband. I'm driving him nuts though.
13. Sensory overload. When I'm in a store, I want to hide and cry. I can have good days where it doesn't bother me as much too though. The scariest is when I'm in a familiar store and can't remember why I'm there. Even with a list, I'll panic and forget how to get to where I need to be to get what's on the list.

Is it possible to have HFA/Asperger's but only discover it as an adult because the symptoms have gotten 1000% worse? I feel like I got by earlier in life, although it was kind of in a haze, but now I'm responsible for myself and 3 kids, and the chaos seems to make all of this worse. Does this sound like HFA or have I officially just lost my mind?!

Hi, welcome the wrong planet. I was tempted to write "welcome home". Your story matches so many life stories of women who are on the spectrum. The copying to fit in in high school and min going - lots of respected authors cite this as a standard trait. I hated the nursery class with the same passion you wrote about towards school.

Have a look on you tube for lectures given by Sarah Hendrickx, Tony Attwoood, Rudi Simone and Temple Grandin. There is a whole series of little films on YouTube called " Ask an Autistic" which were a part of the the research which took me from suspicion to being professionally assessed and confirmed as Autistic.

All that sensory stuff, very ng overloaded in supermarkets and other such places is classic stuff. Advanced in reading and not very good at other stuff like writing it down neatly is common on the spectrum. Projects were my big block. I did a fantastic first one about electricity, because that was my big interest, and crap at the others in primary school because I wanted to do electricity again (because I had learned more since the last project) and that was Not Allowed.

It looks to me that despite your family's views you are finding your way home. Welcome.

Thank you. It's scary but kind of relieving to find a reason for all my strange antics, you know? I kept thinking wow I'm one messed up person...why can't I just get along in life easily like everyone else? It's caused a lot of arguments between my hubby and I because we will argue and I'll tell him, I don't understand why you are mad at me. I said what I did because it is a fact. Or I won't get excited about much or interest and he thinks I'm just careless. I do care! I just literally cannot show it with as much enthusiasm as everyone wishes I would.

I started looking into HFA/Aspergers after I noticed my daughter doing some odd things and then decided to take some quizzes myself to see if that's why I can't seem to communicate with my husband well (unless we are talking about something I'm interested in..heh). I don't remember the name of the test (starts with an R I think?) and it was a 33. I just took the eye test and did horribly...18/36. I found myself getting extremely frustrated and thinking this SHOULD be so simple right? I wanted to cry I was so irritated I couldn't figure out these people's emotions.

I feel really like a crazy person as this has all culminated...like am I making this stuff up? Could this really be- I went this many years without being diagnosed? Is this pretty common with women with Aspergers..to not realize they have it until they're adults?

So before I read anything else the first sentence stood out to me, the one with how your family always pushed away psychological issues. I think that's very important and you should take a second look at anything that seems off inside your head before you go with what your parents told you. It will be difficult, as you were raised that way, and I do something similar, but when we learn to, and locate, the truth, then it will all (or almost all) make sense.

It is quite possible to go through life with Autism and it not be diagnosed.

It is often a case that symptoms getting significantly worse prompts a person to seek information and diagnosis.

Symptoms may seem to become worse but this is sometimes an illusion. Symptoms of Autism are things such as blind spots communication, reading cues and unspoken things. Compensating for these takes energy. There are times when the demands of life are strong in these same areas, sometimes to the point where they exceed the Autistic person's strategies to cope. Tony Attwood observes that in areas such as Aspergers, In boys Primary school is where the social demands exceed what the person can do easily, while in girls, the different socialisation path girls may take means it is at middle way r high school that the demands exceed the person's capacity.

Being a parent places some very high demands. There is sensory input from the young ones themselves, there are perhaps the greatest demands placed on organising and executive function. There are social.demands : other patents, friends children make, professionals like doctors, teachers one so forth.

You sound a lot like me. I got good grades, but I was socially awkward. I could read well above grade level and was always reading about topics such as history, literature, medical topics from a very young age. I was average in math and physically clumsy. It's funny that I am taking tennis lessons today, because I was never an athlete at school, even though I was energetic and physically active as a child.

I would seek out a formal diagnosis of autism if you ever wanna get understanding from those around you including doctors of your limitations and difficulties associated with autism. You definitely sound like you are on the spectrum to me.

If you do decide to seek out an autism diagnosis (preferably from someone who specializes in that area, not just an ordinary Jo blow psychiatrist or GP), I would come prepared to argue your case like you have in this thread. Come with notes.

About two months after my first suspicions I found an online version of Simon Baron Cohen's AQ50 quiz which is one of the screening tools. I had a hunt around tonight and found a version which is web based and does the scoring

http://aspergerstest.net/aq-test/

When I did that test and the result bought me up with a start as my score would be consistent with the score of someone diagnosed as autistic

I found a second test which seemed to place me over the thresholds overall and in three out of the four categories.

http://aspietests.org/raads/index.php

Those tests left me very thoughtful that day, and really started me investigating and listening and reading personla testimony from people on the spectrum and informed opinion.

In the UK there is a pathway to diagnosis through our health service, about which Ariel Song wrote in some detail over the last year. In the US several WP members have spoke of the lottery as to whether their health insurance providers cover such assessment or not.

A full clinical diagnosis carried out privately seems to cost around £1000 in the UK and around $1000 and up, which is a fairly painful sum of money.

While my researches suggested there was some substance in my suspicions, I did have a nagging doubt; perhaps I was just lazy and could not be bothered to learn the social stuff, and supecting being on the autismspectrum was just self indulgent.

I also noted that lots of helpful circumstances had come together in my life which seemed to have stopped me having Serious hardship in areas such as employment, and housing. It was only late in life I had found my way into any lasting intimate relationship, and this is one which is not a standard two person living under the same roof arrangement.

I did not have a need for a full clinical diagnosis and thought I would be making an unfair claim on the resources of the health system. There are a great many people on the spectrum undiagnosed and in very difficult situations in much greater need.

I chose to take a Non Clinical assessment using a firm which does consultancy and training around the spectrum for commerce and industry, which cost me half the price of a pribvate clinical assessment, and gives me a report for my private papers assessing me against the clinical criteria and giving an estimate of the probablility of being diagnosed or not in a clinical setting based on the combination of all the traits identified using the screening tests, reports from people who have known me over significant periods, and the face to face interview and the effects or otherwise theses traits appear to have had on my life in relation to finding and keeping employment, housing and close personal relationships, factors such as depression and similar reactive illnesses.


The disadvantage - the Non Clinical nature means it is not suitable to accessing statutory benefits, but in my case they are not needed.
The advantage - I gain understanding without having an offical diagnosis in my medical records which can, for example , be used against me by insurers
It is half the cost of a clinical assessment done privately
If my circumstances change and a clinical assessment becomes needed to access a statutory benefit etc, the report can significantly speed up the NHS process because I go in with an informed assessment of my autistic profile in my possession.
As well as face to face, this particular company can do the assessments using methods such as skype.

http://www.asperger-training.com/adult- ... sessments/

Thank you all for taking the time to read my ridiculously long, rambling post. It's good to know I'm not alone and hat there are others with similar stories. Maybe there is a reason behind my quirks and difficulties.

I took a couple of the tests mentioned and did score 33 on the Asperger test. I don't remember my score exactly for the other one but I believe it was just at the threshold for Aspergers.

Hi SunnyBunny,

Welcome to WrongPlanet. As a late-diagnosed female with Asperger's, I recognise so much of your story. I was less demonstrative about it than you were, but I had such severe anxiety about going to school (particularly after grade 7) that I had painful and embarrassing digestive problems because of it. I said nothing to my parents because in my family you had to suck it up and not complain. It's certainly possible to get to your age without being diagnosed, particularly if your family are not accepting of invisible difficulties. Autism symptoms can also increase or become more difficult to deal with when life gets complex, as it does when you have more adult responsibilities such as kiddies. I know that when I am highly stressed, I feel (and probably act) more autistic. If you have no opportunity to recharge, that's probably making it worse.

Although it's usually pretty difficult to tell over the internet, you've set out your background and current issues so clearly that it sounds like you could be on the spectrum. It's definitely worth pursuing an official diagnosis if you would like one.