Thoughts on Lying

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The other day, I visited a Medical Marijuana dispensary for the first time with my lifelong friend (whom I have known since I was 5).

Upon returning, my oldest daughter (who is 21) asked where I had been. I just mumbled something about being out on an errand. She asked again. Theoretically, I could have come up with a bunch of explanations (excuses?). But, I was unable to come up with anything. So, I didn't respond. She continued to press, "Dad, Did you and Sam go to a medical marijuana dispensary"? I have no idea where that came from. I just said "No" and walked away.

It led me to wonder. Do I not lie because I think it's wrong? Or, have I learned not to lie because I am unable to come up with ideas "off the cuff". I also wonder if this is in any way associated with general conversation. As I suck at that as well (as I am not very good at coming up with topics to discuss).

In this case, I think that maybe you don't lie because you don't do it very well. Please don't be offended. I'm a terrible lier myself. But it's clear that your daughter knew where you were. She's 21, I'm guessing you live in an area where dispensaries are legal. There is literally no reason to not tell her the truth. So, it was a kind of silly lie. My guess is that your body language gave you away and she knew right where you had been based on the way you were acting.

Maybe a little apology to her would make you feel better? It's so hard to renegotiate being with your children when they reach adulthood. It's important to show her what it looks like to make a mistake in a healthy adult relationship. She shouldn't expect to be lied to by men. As a Dad, you are her first model of how to be with a boyfriend.

To answer your question, I think you need to consider that you lied badly in this case because you didn't believe in what you were doing. I find it easy to lie when I feel like it's justified and very hard to lie when I feel ambivalent about lieing.

Hmm, I may be crap at thinking of good comebacks during humourous banter, but I am quick at coming up with good lies to cover myself or save someone's feelings.

In this particular scenario, you are correct. I would have preferred to simply respond, "I was helping Sam move some furniture" (or some other plausible response).


I have no idea if she "knew" where I was. Did my body language "give me away"? Or, was it because I was unable to say anything other than "I went with Sam somewhere". I have no idea. And, yes, dispensaries are legal where I live.


Actually, I don't feel bad at all about the incident. This posting was more so about a general inability to 'creatively' "think on my feet". And, I am now wondering if this is in any way related to my poor social/conversation skills. That is, my inability to "free associate" in human interactions is related to my inability to come up with plausible make believe responses to questions.

I will lie if I feel the person is too ignorant or stupid or bigotted to handle the truth or if the party expects me to lie to them.

For example of my parents ask me anything regarding a topic in which the answer would have anything to do with sex. Since they are extremely conservative and can't act like adults regarding such a topic, they are going to get a lie as a response which will save me from having to listen to their BS ignorant conservative views.

In other situations where the party expects you to lie to them due to unfair BS rules such as if a border guard at the Canadian US border ever asked me if I used Marijuana before in my life, then the answer they are gonna get is going to be a lie. If I tell the truth, simply admitting that you have at some point in the past automatically causes you to be permanently denied entry to the US for life (true story look it up). This is a situation where you are expected to lie.

When I encounter people who place me in a situation where they force me to lie to them, I completely lose all respect for the party who is forcing me to do so. Lying is emotionally draining and would VERY much prefer to not do so. But given situations where telling the truth would only serve to screw me over, then a lie is exactly what that they are going to get. Manipulation comes very easy to me, but I only use it in self defense.

I'm just sharing with you a social skill that I know. Obviously, I wasn't in the room. But the way you told the story, your daughter knew you were lieing. And she called you on it and you doubled down instead of coming clean. Most people experience a lot of hurt feelings when they know that someone lied to them. No matter how pure your intentions are, from my point of view, sitting here on my couch 1/2 way across the country, you did something that we can anticipate would typically hurt your daughter and erode the trust she has in you. Just a heads up, from one autistic to another.

Growing up, I thought that life was 'way too weird for anybody to risk the confusion of deliberately lying. On those brain teasers where some characters are known liars, I just get lost. Still, an occasional fib will pop out, usually to protect someone else's reputation or peace of mind.

Technically, I didn't lie. i simply evaded the question. But, that wasn't the point of my post.

Rather, I am curious if this inability to come up with a suitable "lie" (or explanation) is in any way related to my inability to engage in normal conversation with people.

As a note, I am pretty good at engaging in conversations about work (or other topics with a purpose). I am not so good (awful?) at doing so in unstructured settings (i.e. ad hoc social conversations.).

You tried to evade, but then lied outright. That's the technical truth. Maybe you are totally confused by social situations, and only sense that you tend to spread confusion when trying to fit in.

I just re-read my original post. What she asked me and how I responded weren't captured 100% correctly. At the time I posted this, I was more interested in how well others in this community are adept at "thinking on their feet" when in unstructured and/or unexpected situations.

Back to this insistence on my lying. While I forgot (verbatim) what her actual question was, my response was actually something like: "Why would you ask that?". To which she replied (something like), "I don't know". I suppose this thread could continue along this line (of whether or not I should be more open with my daughter about one of my vices). Yet, I am much more interested in understanding the cognitive processing capabilities of others in the community.

I remember going to an event at church and our church is kind of small, and all the people there knew me. So the group organizer said "Go around and say your names." When it was my turn, I said "My name is Karl Marx." And I just burst into laughter.
I'm good at lying if I know what to say.

First off, I agree that I think you don't lie because you're not good at it, but also probably because it makes you feel bad. Aspies don't usually go out of their way to make themselves uncomfortable if they can avoid it. Because your general life has a lot of unavoidable uncomfortableness in it. My observation anyway. I could be wrong.

And I think you should think carefully about having a discussion with your daughter about medical or recreational marijuana. Especially at her age.

I'm not really a big fan of Wendy Williams, but I used to accidentally watch her show sometimes because it was on before or after something I liked. Once she said something that stuck with me. She said your kid should never see you drunk. It's not that there's anything wrong with drinking and that adults can't engage in legal and responsible drinking behavior, but as an authority figure, your kid should not see you compromised. It can affect their level of respect for you.

I think that kind of feeds into this situation. It sounds to me like your daughter was testing you to see where your stance on marijuana is. I think whatever you say will become "the official word" in your family. If she finds out later that you have strayed from what you say she will let you know about it and it will be uncomfortable. At this point, it really isn't her business as your kid what you do when you're out being bros with your friend. If she knows you lied, so what? Still not her business. If you say nothing on the matter it gives you time to think carefully about what you want the "official family statement" on marijuana to be.

Thanks for your thoughts. What you said (about feeling bad when I lie) is quite true. As I do feel quite uncomfortable in these situations (when asked a question which I really want to avoid answering).

I have the same response when someone asks me what I did over the prior weekend. As I really don't want to answer the truth (that I watched old episodes of Star Trek Original Series and spent time on Wrong Planet).


I agree. I feel quite uncomfortable discussing the topic with my daughter. Even though marijuana is now legal in California, there still is a stigma about its usage. I don't quite understand it, because I personally don't see much difference between recreational use of alcohol and recreational use of marijuana.

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So, I have a question for you. In other posts, you describe your keen social abilities. I presume that includes being able to approach people with relative ease and carry on long conversations with them (including switching from topic to topic). My guess is, that you rarely come across people where you have nothing to say. That is, you can easily find something to talk with others about (unless that is, they are like me and are happy to sit in silence).

My question is this. If you are asked a question and you want to evade the "right answer" (say, so as not to hurt the other's feelings) how quickly are you able to come up with that alternative answer (and make the other person believe that what you in fact answered was genuine). I suspect (though I could be quite wrong), that these two activities are somehow related. And, my mind's inability to seamlessly shift from one stream of thought ("Rocket, where were you going today?") to another thought ("How can I adequately answer this question") is somehow inhibited. It's my guess that this same "issue" has positive side effects, as it allows me to remain focused without external stimuli interrupting that focus.

I have no idea if what I have written makes sense. I can add more detail, if it does not.

This is a technique, not a process insight, but keeping someone talking about themselves is usually as easy as rolling a stone down a hill. The odd thing is that afterwards, they feel like they know You better! You can fill as many hours as you want that way, and collect points for being sociable. Personally, I find very little space between boring and scary with most people, but a few work out well.

Sometimes I try to divert questions by asking people why they are asking...and you could do that even now in relation to what had transpired. Maybe you know why your daughter had asked or maybe you have guessed wrongly, but you could still ask why she had asked and then have some conversation without being obligated to answer.

I absolutely hate lying. I hate being lied to because in the past I had a tendency to be naive and overly trusting. I have a very strong dislike of injustice so when people lie and get away with it, it makes me furious. Of course, I can't say I've never lied because that itself would be lying, but I'm not good at it.