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Cloie74
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02 Feb 2017, 11:57 am

My 11 year old has Asperger's, Yesterday, the school called and said he was bulling a kid and saying mean things.
My son is overweight and I was told he was making fun of another kid for being "Fat" When I asked him about it he said I wasn't bulling I was making a joke! He is my friend!
This happens frequently. He has this thing about putting people down, when you call him out on it he says "I was JOKING MOM SHEESH!"
So the question lies, in his Aspie brain, does he REALLY think what he is saying is funny? I have talked to him time and time again about other peoples feelings and how it is not nice to point out someones short comings, I truly think he "gets it" because he is an overly empathetic kid for the most part. He has BEEN bullied and I don't think he would want to make anyone feel the way he felt. I have a feeling he just hasn't the slightest idea how to joke around without being hurtful, and he does not take social cues, like AT ALL. So if his friend was upset by his comment he would not have had any idea unless that child came right out and said, That hurt my feelings! (Which would probably never happen)
Any advise how to help him with this?



the_phoenix
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02 Feb 2017, 12:07 pm

I'm an Aspie. My social skills are not the greatest, and I have a way of saying things that offend people, sometimes without even realizing what I'm doing.

That said, I'm smart. IQ way above average.

So I learned as a little kid
that there were certain types of jokes
that I was not allowed to make,
including calling someone names
like fat, ugly, stupid, jerk, etc.

You being the mother have a better idea of your child's intelligence.
Based on what he's capable of understanding, I would suggest
good, old-fashioned discipline.

He comes home from school with a complaint from a teacher, another parent, or a kid
about telling an inappropriate joke or name-calling ...
he gets in trouble.

Of course, he needs to know in advance
what exactly will get him in trouble
and what the consequences will be.



Cloie74
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02 Feb 2017, 12:17 pm

Thanks!
Yes, he is very intelligent, VERY.
We are going to have to come up with a list...he likes "Lists"
of things he is not allowed to say to people, and punishment is easy, he is lost without Minecraft lol
That's usually the first thing to go when he is behaving badly.
I am going to have this discussion with him AGAIN after school tonight. He had in-house suspension today due to this as well (His school has a stern ZERO tolerance policy for Bullying) Thanks for your input! :D



the_phoenix
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02 Feb 2017, 12:28 pm

Lists ...
awesome! :D

I still love lists as an adult, and even incorporate them into some of my posts here.

I love your idea. :)

Here's another, but he may be too old for this.
(I remember it from kindergarten, but just thought it would be fun to mention anyways.)
Another list where he can earn different colored stars for good behavior?
Like completing chores or doing artwork.

Here's how it was in my house:

Gold star = Excellent
Silver star = Very Good
Blue star = Good
Green star = Average
Red star = Fair

We were able to earn rewards as well as punishments,
for example, good report card grades were rewarded with a dollar for every A
and 50 cents for every B
and if you had an overall average of A, you got treated out to the restaurant of your choice, with the whole family being welcome to come and celebrate as well.
We also got a small weekly allowance.

Of course, this was years ago.

Wishing you the best!



EzraS
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02 Feb 2017, 12:39 pm

I suppose his true intent is what matters the most as far as you discerning his motives. With autism a person often tends to focus on what they are intending rather than on how the other person might perceive it. Lists can be very helpful with this sort of thing. I have lists for lots of things to help me function better.



ZenDen
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02 Feb 2017, 1:14 pm

So he (this truly intelligent young man) still can not say, except for "friendliness" why he does those things???

You say he is overweight....is it defensive bullying that jumps out (to ward off --fatty-- or other hurts he's experienced in the past) before he can be hurt???

I'll bet there could be a very valid (to an 11 year old) reason that you could uncover and possibly repair.



League_Girl
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02 Feb 2017, 5:20 pm

Cloie74 wrote:
My 11 year old has Asperger's, Yesterday, the school called and said he was bulling a kid and saying mean things.
My son is overweight and I was told he was making fun of another kid for being "Fat" When I asked him about it he said I wasn't bulling I was making a joke! He is my friend!
This happens frequently. He has this thing about putting people down, when you call him out on it he says "I was JOKING MOM SHEESH!"
So the question lies, in his Aspie brain, does he REALLY think what he is saying is funny? I have talked to him time and time again about other peoples feelings and how it is not nice to point out someones short comings, I truly think he "gets it" because he is an overly empathetic kid for the most part. He has BEEN bullied and I don't think he would want to make anyone feel the way he felt. I have a feeling he just hasn't the slightest idea how to joke around without being hurtful, and he does not take social cues, like AT ALL. So if his friend was upset by his comment he would not have had any idea unless that child came right out and said, That hurt my feelings! (Which would probably never happen)
Any advise how to help him with this?



I have seen kids puts each other down and call each other names but I know they don't mean it because they are not getting mad or upset and not crying and they are laughing and smiling. Maybe that is what your son is doing. He is being one of those kids.


_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.