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biostructure
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01 Feb 2017, 4:37 pm

Up until partway through middle school, I had no interest in making friends. It wasn't that I tried but was rejected by people, I was happier in my own world. Even by the end of middle school I wasn't that interested. It was only in high school, and especially in college, where I felt the need to get out of my own head and try to connect with others. Unfortunately, by that time I was enough of an outsider in my thought patterns that I didn't fit in with most people.

I feel this has greatly impacted, for instance, my dating life. I feel I would have a very strong romantic connection to a girl who likewise didn't feel the need/urge to connect with others until almost adulthood. It affects friendship more generally though, however.

I am surprised to find that very few other people even on the spectrum had this developmental pattern--disinterest in other people until late adolescence/early adulthood. If there are others here with this pattern, I'd very much like to start a conversation with you.



248RPA
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01 Feb 2017, 6:40 pm

I am in late adolescence. I'm not really interested in connecting with others and prefer to be in my own world. However, throught my life, there had been people who wanted to connect with me, and I didn't object. That's how most of my friendships start.

There's more people who prefer to be in their own world here: http://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=336343


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naturalplastic
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01 Feb 2017, 7:13 pm

Am more or less the same as the op. Basically had no friends until college.

In late gradeschool and jr high, and high, my parents flogged me to "make friends" while at the same time all of the kids at hated for no reason.



liveandrew
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02 Feb 2017, 2:49 am

I tried when I was in my 20s but it was really hard work (I always seemed to be the one chasing them, going to their houses, following them around, doing what they wanted). Nowadays, I don't care and don't really socialise at all. I have a few friends but rarely see them.

A good illustration of what I was like when I was in my early teens was when I was at school (about 14) some so-called friends decided to send me to Coventry (act as if I wasn't there) for fun. I didn't care that much and decided that I could do that as well but much better. After a few hours of pretending that I didn't exist, they tried speaking to me again only for me to pretend that they didn't exist. I kept that up for the rest of my school life and beyond. I even had one of them talk to me at college when I was 19 and I still wouldn't reply :) I didn't seem to "need" friends as much as other people did.


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Kiprobalhato
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02 Feb 2017, 3:35 am

248RPA wrote:
I am in late adolescence. I'm not really interested in connecting with others and prefer to be in my own world. However, throught my life, there had been people who wanted to connect with me, and I didn't object. That's how most of my friendships start.


16 is "late adolescence"...? :)

when i was 16, i felt stuck in early adolescence...or mid adolescence, at the farthest. but good on you if you feel that close to adulthood. :P it may show some confidence.

now that i'm in college, i have adopted the same attitude. all through my secondary and primary school years i was the tag-along, always following other groups of people to what they might me doing, but never having them be the ones to initiate conversation and such with me....and never having anyone to join me in my own activities or plans.

IMO it's good you adopted that attitude, that seems like a better way to start then relationships than "cling onto other people you think are cool, and hope they take you under their wing".

yours might require a bit more security in being on your own, if no one ever comes, which was something i didn't have at your age. but the benefits of having less wasted time, energy etc may have outweighed those cons.


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biostructure
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02 Feb 2017, 2:39 pm

liveandrew wrote:
I tried when I was in my 20s but it was really hard work (I always seemed to be the one chasing them, going to their houses, following them around, doing what they wanted). Nowadays, I don't care and don't really socialise at all. I have a few friends but rarely see them.


That's exactly how I feel, that if I want to socialize with anyone at all, I have to do it on THEIR terms, because they have already built up a whole structure of friends and socializing that they don't want to leave. I also find that what they look for in friends is surprisingly uniform within each "subculture", and there isn't room for other definitions of "cool" that are outside the mainstream.

That's why I feel I would get along best with others who are also just starting out--then it would be more even because we all are starting from scratch. All it would take then is for us to be open to learning about each other's interests, and that would be easier because we would all "expect the unexpected", i.e. we would all be open from the get-go to the possibility that we have inner worlds unlike anything the rest of the world has seen so far.

I heard once that some people on the spectrum are "one-person cultures", but some of that is lost when we try to join the dominant culture. It might not even be the traditionally-defined "cool kids", but it might be the culture of a certain profession or whatever.

I am particularly interested in meeting aspie girls who are late socializers in this respect, who lived wholly in their own worlds until their late teens or early 20s. Unfortunately in my experience while living in one's own world that long is unusual for aspie guys, it's even odder for aspie girls. Have you noticed this too?



248RPA
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02 Feb 2017, 3:30 pm

Kiprobalhato wrote:
16 is "late adolescence"...? :)

Perhaps that's due to literal/logical thinking on my part. :lol: I heard someone say that adolescence is from 13 to 18. So I figured 13-14= early adolescence. 15-16= mid adolescence. 17-18= late adolescence. I am going to turn 17 in a few weeks, so I thought "close enough". :D

Really, I'd like to never grow up.


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Last edited by 248RPA on 02 Feb 2017, 3:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

NoName93
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02 Feb 2017, 3:37 pm

Me too in elementary school I also didn't want to socialize I was happy to be alone in school yard and in my home I used to run and daydream in middle school I wanted to have friends but I didn't care that I am different in highschool and after I wanted to be like the others



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02 Feb 2017, 7:48 pm

I may end up being a later socialiser, I started high school a few months ago. I can tell what types of kids are going to be late socialisers, ones who aren't perky. Ones who tend to stay quiet in class, even some that have high intelligence. Keep on going!


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liveandrew
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03 Feb 2017, 2:22 am

biostructure wrote:
liveandrew wrote:
I tried when I was in my 20s but it was really hard work (I always seemed to be the one chasing them, going to their houses, following them around, doing what they wanted). Nowadays, I don't care and don't really socialise at all. I have a few friends but rarely see them.


I am particularly interested in meeting aspie girls who are late socializers in this respect, who lived wholly in their own worlds until their late teens or early 20s. Unfortunately in my experience while living in one's own world that long is unusual for aspie guys, it's even odder for aspie girls. Have you noticed this too?


As far as I know, I don't know any other diagnosed aspies. There are a few people I would consider to be on the spectrum but they've not said anything. As far as girls go, I've been with my NT wife since I was 18 (31 years) and she dislikes socialising as well, so I guess I got lucky. I've found my family are all that I need :)


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Sir_Benjamin
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03 Feb 2017, 12:01 pm

I had little interest in connecting with others and making friends throughout high school and college. I was largely absorbed in my own inner world and felt like I didn’t relate much to most other people. It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I developed the need for friendship and companionship. It became something that I yearned for and its absence in my life left a void. This shift was fairly sudden, and I’m not sure what triggered it.



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04 Feb 2017, 6:34 pm

I had no real interests in having friends until I started going to Stepping Stones at the age of 23. Up until than, the only people I had contact with were young, oversexed cis-snots who expected me to be just like them.


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Kiprobalhato
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07 Feb 2017, 3:39 am

248RPA wrote:
Perhaps that's due to literal/logical thinking on my part. :lol: I heard someone say that adolescence is from 13 to 18. So I figured 13-14= early adolescence. 15-16= mid adolescence. 17-18= late adolescence. I am going to turn 17 in a few weeks, so I thought "close enough". :D

Really, I'd like to never grow up.


oh, i see. :P

i don't see that there is a fine line between adulthood and adolescence, to me it seems like a blur, or spectrum, that happens in someone's very early 20s.

i still feel "adolescent" like, at my age.

happy early birthday!


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CharityGoodyGrace
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07 Feb 2017, 4:02 am

I always wanted to socialize; I just did it wrong as a really young child. I was in a fantasy world where people on this planet were one way, when they are actually another way and for certain reasons. I think (and the person named Ban-Dodger on this board will like this, I think he goes to near-death.com like I do) that I was so used to being in the world before this one that I didn't adjust quick enough to this one; it's true that when I was 1 year old or maybe less I had a dream where I was running around in the jungle with the animals and then I woke up crying because the jungle and animals were gone. I missed them. I later learned that younger-like souls are often in an animal heaven before going to the adult one. Just a theory. Anyway, yeah, I also read on that site that some people adapt to being in human mortal form quicker so they're more "responsive" as babies than others. I was the type of baby, according to my mother, who was "less responsive than others", which gives evidence to my theory.