Asperger suspects!

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I'm a 19-year-old-girl. I am suspecting that I have Aspergers's syndrome, because many things just seem to "click." So, let me tell you about that.

When I was a child, I had some special interests like reading books about medical sciences, reading about murderers, and drawing. I played with my kid sister, and I wasn't interested in getting friends. Adjusting into school was hard for me, because I was very, very shy - I didn't play with others; I liked to be alone. I just walked around the school yard and "told stories in my head", if you know what I mean. I have always lived more in my head than material world, and nowadays I can spend even many hours walking in my room and thinking about things. I think verbally, and I have endless monologues in my head, so I'm talking to myself inside my head (always with written language, for some reason), and I often realize I'm moving my mouth and hands when thinking. One thing that isn't very typical to AS people, is that I'm very expressive. I use expressions and I move my hands very much, when I'm talking to people. I don't like group situations, because they make me nervous and "spacey" - I find it really hard to concentrate what everyone is saying. I use eye contact a little, but my eyes move a lot, because keeping an eye contact is uncomfortable.

I got my first friends when I was 9 years old (and they were few years younger than me). I didn't talk to people at school, unless I was asked something - at home, I talked normally. But, I had an eccentric feature in my speech. I just didn't like letter y, so I didn't use it at all - I replaced it with u (in my language, they have quite a big difference). When I was 10, I finally started to talk like other people do. Before that, I had some speech therapy. I could say that letter, I just didn't want to.

When I was in junior high, I was bullied, and I think it was because I was so shy and didn't talk much. Now I have some friends, but I still have difficulties with relationships, especially if they are romantic. I can be quite obsessive with my crushes, but I find it very hard to let people close to me, because I feel like I live in my own universe, so nobody can reach me. Rationalizing my emotions is easy to me, but experiencing and expressing them can be hard. I start to feel uncomfortable and fearful when someone "invades" my personal space. I'm not very interested in sex. I just don't enjoy it very much. An intellectual conversation is much more satisfying to me. I also don't feel like a woman - I feel more like neutral-gendered, being "something-in-between."

I also have some motor difficulties. I learnt to drive a bike when I was 9 years old, and I can't swim at all. This can be partly explained by my fear of new situations. I'm also really bad at throwing and catching a ball, and when I try to run fast, I tend to fall down, because I find it hard to move my legs so quickly.

I have been depressed for five years, and now I'm on medication. I don't know what has caused my depression, but maybe it's my social problems. I'm bad at interpretating people, because I notice even small variations of tone, expressions etc. - and take it as criticism or attack towards me. When I feel attacked, I tend to take out my frustration by self-mutilation, because I don't know what to do. If I can't understand and control my emotions and feelings, I feel like falling apart.

I have some concentration problems, but when I'm doing something I like (reading, in example), I tend to lose the track of time, and I'm completely absorbed to it. When I'm doing something that doesn't interest me, my mind wanders all the time. In group situations my mind goes "blank", because I don't know who to look at and who to listen to. People are often saying to me: "You've lost contact with world, again."

What do you think? Because I am quite critical of myself, I'm not sure if I can rely on my conclusions. However, I have always felt like I'm living in my own world and I don't "fit in."

I will be thankful if you help me!

You sound a lot like. I have constant dialogues in my head. Pacing is actually a stim I do, to think or worry. I wasn't interested in real friends till around 20.

I don't think anything of this stuff is for sure anyway. Welcome to WP

I know that gender thing. I usually refer to myself as "it" when I talk about me in third-person speech. (I do that sometimes.)

That is so AS! Sounds a little ADD as well.

You have to understand that AS in woman is still a little more of a mystery than AS in men. Its all still a mystery but a lot of the studying has been done on males since the traits appear to be more noticable. As woman we tend to go to the DR. upset about our functioning and problems and get prozac thrown at us. Theres nothing wrong with anti-depressants if you need them but as woman Dr's can seem to think they are the cure all for everything thats not right about us.

Accept your AS, own it and see it as an advantage. There was a post here I saw, can't remember the title but it was about looking at the positive qualities of it.

You have all these stories and think them through in your head and clearly love reading stories. You're gifted with story telling. Use that. Get a tape recorder and play these stories in your head out loud so you can record them. Then they can be typed up.

I doubt that people will accept that I'm the friendly person that I am.

FosF -

We sound very similar, which is nice

It's also slightly sad, because I know I feel miserable quite a bit. I don't mind so much when it's me, but I don't like to see good people feeling down.

AS is a category, I think - it's a term which enables shrinks to get a hold on you. It's also a convenient way of explaining to people what the hell's going on. Whether you choose to adopt that label is up to you. At the end of the day, you'll still be you.

It does sound to me like you have at least some of the characteristics associated with an AS diagnosis. If that brings some help or advice, I'd stick with it. Medical professionals aren't always very good at listening, though, so make sure they understand you as an individual, not just another statistic. If no-one is helping and you don't like the label, don't wear it.

Also be very wary of anti-depressants as they cure the symptoms not the causes, plus they can have very odd effects on people with AS (though you don't have AS, right?). In my view trying to find a niche for yourself is the only way to get through life - something I'm still working on, but at least I have hope and something to aim for. Smarties aren't the answer.

Your post was really good to read in terms of style - exceptionally well written I thought - and I admire your bravery and honesty in posting such a detailed account of your experiences. Good luck in working things out.

I've read part of you introduction, and just like the previous replier, we sound similar.

do you mean to use the word doubts in the title? It appears that the layout of the post, other than the title and first line, is putting across your symptoms, which would appear concurrent with lots of peoples experiences here.

Did you maybe mean to use 'fears' or another word like that.

Don't worry about it
Which country are you from?

Welcome Fosf,

You belong here. I have the same and tapping on a keybord gets it all out. I wrote a lot of bad stuff, dumping the garbage, and then my writing improved.

I am in my own universe, always talking to myself, a natural writer.

We each have to find a place to survive, and learn to apply our talents to avoid being run over by the world. You are good with words. We have more media than content.

Feeling sad is as natural as feeling joy. Pills tend to blot out both. We do seek release, I drink, but limit myself to two days a week. More I become the drink. Sometimes I forget to drink for months. I find myself spending the money saved on things I enjoy, which make me happy, so I am less inclined to drink. When I do I always drink the best.

As for sex, there are few people worth having any relationship with. Take only what you enjoy. You will know.

Good to see you here, you are us.

You sound very similar to me. I love to read, and lose track of time when reading. I am shy, and like the company of my cats more than I like most people. I'm not very athletic, but I am a fairly strong swimmer. I also like walking.

you sound very familiar to me also. However i've never visited psychologist (because i am afraid of doctors). So i dont have AS diagnosed. But i am sure i have it.
I have the same problem with gender. I dont feel like woman at all. And if i act like woman, i feel like i am playing a role. Most of the time i tend to act like a kid, even i am 23 already.
I also cant ride bicycle. and from the small age i have problems with walking :/ many people making fun from me because of that.
I need to concentrate a lot to walk normally.
I just got to know about AS quite recently, but it was big revelation to me.
Its very mice to meet similar people here.

It does sound like you have Asperger's Syndrome. I also act out stories in my head could not pronounce the letter ''s'' when I was little. Instead of saying ''Sam'' I would say '' ham'', ''sun'' would become ''hun''. I did not enjoy recess, either.