Looking for opinions about being on the spectrum.

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Hey everyone! I'll try to keep this post as short as possible as I have a tendency to go on and on and on...

Any-who,

I've really been struggling for the past few years to understand what is going on with me and have always personally felt that I am not entirely like other people. For example, for the past few weeks I have been isolating myself from socializing because I do not feel like I am able to read or socialize with people in the correct way. Sometimes it goes alright for me and I'm happy, but I find myself constantly analyzing if what I did was okay and if i looked weird. (As I have been called weird so many times, I cant count anymore). Everyone I've told about this seems to think I'm fine.. Although I stress to you that social flow just doesn't seem to work for me correctly!! I also seem to have no concept of social awareness on a larger level. Like what authorities or store employees or family think about me.

When I was younger I had some of the "regular" symptoms, lining up toys, not eating foods that touched, playing by myself and not socializing at all with the family around me. Although in elementary I had a ton of friends. By the time about grade 6 came around is when things starting going south. I could not seem to get a girl to like me at all. I was just too awkward. I also found that I didn't like the fact that my friends were moving on to new people and it made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable to hang out with my friends bringing added people into the mix!

Junior high was a horror story for me. I began to get bullied by other students but did not realize that they were doing it so I would just play along. The social anxiety became very prominent for me at this age and I began to stop showing up at all of my activities. I seemed to make friends easily but felt as if I was not "close" to anyone. I couldn't wait to go home at the end of the day and zone out into my video games and talk to friends over the phone.

By high school I had developed a complex and for some reason could not look people in the eye without it "burning" and i began to develop tics when people would look me in the eye. It just felt so painful and I didn't understand why... I had lots of "friends" again... But could not get close to any of them and seemed to be obsessed with everyone liking me to the point that I lost my identity. That was my way to cope with the anxiety was to literally become a new person that appeared calm and confident. I also started to cope by using drugs and alcohol in social situations to relieve myself on the tension. Also girls would always comment on how I'm super awkward sometimes.

I have had a few relationships which all ended badly so far.. I feel like I don't know how to see social red flags as they appear and like the fact that someone is interested. My social status is pretty much tarnished as I have broken the law, etc etc just to fit the person I have built for myself.

Now a days I seem to have everyone convinced that I'm fine. I have been diagnosed ADHD, depression, anxiety you name it but none of these seems to fit! Every time I'm at work or in a social situation I seem to start out okay and make friends... Then they all suddenly stop texting me as I most like said something to upset them, or didn't say enough or too much lol! Right now my social anxiety is so bad I barely leave the apartment. I have recently gotten clean so it seems that all the symptoms are coming back ten fold! I love the night time because its quiet, the day time is too loud and even walking down a busy road can overload my mind. Travelling to a location in any way other than my normal freaks me out and never crosses my mind. I have barely any friends right now I just talk to my parents and long distance gf. Again, I don't see to know why I lose them. I wriggle my feet when I sleep, dislike bare feet outside, am OBSESSED with so many things to the point of exclusion of reality... Talking on the phone seems like a chore and I find I am always constantly interrupting the person i'm talking to. I don't have any hobbies except for video games and netflix. I always wriggle my toes in public to calm down. I also oddly seem to like being alone sometimes and prefer it... I get angry when I get my day interrupted by calls sometimes. At jobs, people have to directly tell me what they want out loud for me to understand, otherwise I ask for directions over and over, the list goes on and on.

TBH with you I have been somewhat suicidal lately. I just can't seem to understand how I can try SO hard but keep failing so badly. I'm 25 with 3/4 of a degree, a drug and alcohol habit and have to have my parents support me.. It is excruciating.

Again everyone, sorry this post is so long. I have just been really struggling lately, and needed to get it all out. No one I tell about this seems to see there is a problem. Although I live away from my hometown and gf sooo yeah. I just can't seem to get life right and feel awkward in almost every social situation.

So, after that novel...

OPINIONS?

Maybe try making lists of what is at least marginally working for you, and/or lists of how it could be worse, and focus on doing more of what works better? It's all baby steps, even if someone has mastered a sport. Maybe you could ask people to tell you if it seems you are not "getting it" somehow, before giving up. However, the problem may be mostly that most people are busy with their own lives, and just don't get a special attraction.

Welcome to Wrong Planet

You have written about having many core traits associated with autism.

Stress can definitely increase severity of traits. Detoxing and resisting temptation is quite stressful. Also you might have been too stoned to notice the traits.

It probably will not be easy but try to find a clinicion knowlegable about how autism presents in adults.

In the meantime we have a lot of people here who have also dealt with these traits.

Your history sounds almost exactly like mine to the age of 25... except I at least (barely) to finish university. I don't think I was really able to pass for "normal" till I was over 30, and at 53 I still feel like I'm putting on an act. BUT after 30 I was able to have some "success" in the NT world, and that increased my confidence, which in turn helped me fake it better. (It's my belief that NT people are faking it too--the only difference is that we're aware of it!)

Also--don't waste time running after friends and romantic partners who don't understand you. A very small number of people will get you and accept you for who you are--hold onto those fiercely. I'm lucky to be married to a smart, lovely woman who knows and accepts me, but I doubt if even she would have been able to deal with me if she'd known me when I was 25!

I suppose my message is, don't despair and have patience--I felt pretty much the same at your age. You can learn to navigate the NT world, even if you'll never be completely part of it. But life can get much, much better.

Thank you for this and all the other replies! It feels so good to have someone that can FINALLY relate to my history. I've honestly been thinking for so long that i'm a literal alien or a robot that was produced to pursue physics research lol. I am actually currently speaking to a psychologist who has agreed to do cognitive tests and a assessment for ASD. I am very excited to start pursuing a diagnoses.

Another question, do you think it will matter if I get a formal diagnoses at all? I feel like I could just continue to try hard in school in the fall and excel in the technology sector and just let that try to fill the gap I feel! However I guess I could try and get accommodations.. what's you opinion Benjamin!?

Yeah I'm lucky too, I'm with a woman right now who is willing to move and be with me despite my odd behaviors and interests. She seems to just think it is all charming and cute and likes that I'm different than most guys. I however have seemed to screw up in the intimacy department from time to time. I show her I care about her... But I seem to forget to do things like buy her flowers or send cute messages every night etc. Sometimes she feels like I don't care as much about her, however that is sooo far from the truth. Did you struggle with anything like this in your relationship? if you don't mind me asking.

thanks!

Yes, I've been clumsy about birthday gifts, etc. but that was OK because I showed I cared in other ways. However, when I went to a trade show in Las Vegas and stayed up most of the night talking shop and forgetting to call home, she feared the worst, and, having made accusations, never forgave me for her imagination, ending the marriage.

I'm sorry to hear that. After just one night of not calling hey? Seems harsh. What other ways did you show her? Also was you lacking friends ever a problem for your partner? (if you did).

That was two nights of not calling, and she'd had to handle something I usually did on her own, but we were already in trouble or she would have come along. I was super - busy trying to build our business after a big success at the beginning of the event, and she knew that, but maybe her ex would have been with the show girls, and with her, suspicion always grew like cancer. Some women wanted me to be adept at parties, but my ex was the opposite. She wanted to be in control of all our social schedule, and slowly pruned out all my friends. Loyalty can be a crucial asset for some women, involuntary or not.
On the plus side, I do stuff around the house, and make gifts when I'm inspired to, not just for dates. I can also give a good massage and get people to laugh. The last thing that got me points in my marriage was quickly inventing an irrigation system to save her garden.

Well, the formal diagnosis might not matter to the way you feel about yourself. Practically speaking, it might help if you have friends or family who don't believe your self-diagnosis. Another issue is university and/or employment. If you want to go back to university, it might be in your favor to have a "disability"--even if you don't view it as a disability. For employment, it might work both ways; you might be discriminated against if it's known, but an official diagnosis might also give you legal recourse if you experience harassment or discrimination.



I'll break my history down by decade:

Teens: Absolutely hopeless, couldn't even converse with girls I was attracted to.
20s: Still pretty hopeless, but since I was quite good-looking (though that didn't fit my self-image) a lot of girls made the first move, or else I'd have had no sex life at all. Still, after one night to a few weeks they'd realize just how strange I was and bail out of the relationship.
30s: Now had some social skills, which meant I did pretty well. Still not much good at long-term relationships, though. Because very few ladies "got" me, I tended to fall head over heels for the few that did, and got way too serious too fast... which isn't healthy either.
40s-now: On the surface, I pass for "normal." Married for ten years, 2 kids (age 7 and 9, one AS). My wife is very understanding and loves me for me, but even so I still screw up sometimes. And so does she, when she forgets I'm not like her. Especially in the early days, I made some missteps, which she fortunately thought were weirdly cute. For example, Valentine's Day came two seeks after we first got together, so I dropped by her workplace and presented her with... a pineapple. Her colleagues were very skeptical about the new boyfriend! At times, I've been slow to react to her emotional needs. More than once when she was very upset, she asked, "Can't you see I need a hug?" No, I couldn't--she just needed to tell me in words. But by this time, I think I've proven my emotional commitment in so many other ways that she doesn't doubt it.