I don't feel like an adult and I'm miserable

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K_Kelly
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02 Apr 2017, 1:40 pm

I'm in my 20s and still don't feel like an adult yet. I feel miserably awkward, unlike even some other aspies. I am very insecure, I can't even go anywhere I want to, because I feel so awkward and I can't drive. I've been so socially reclused that I want to get out right now. The only time I ever go "out" is with community service assistants and it still makes me feel miserable, no matter how much I say I "like" their company and services sometimes. Another thing is that I have to only rely on a crappy public transport service for people with physical disabilities where you are only able to schedule in advance.

I feel like a crappy person. I was never able to focus my energy into something for an extended period of time-I struggle to stay on a task. In fact, I don't think I even tried to do it. I feel like I have somehow been unintentionally conditioned into being lazy by the way I was raised. My parents didn't beg me to find a job or get a driver's license to the point where I actually did. I think I was spoiled, now it's too late to change things.

I wish I could finally find an answer to everything and snap out already. I'm almost going to cry now.



Kitty4670
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02 Apr 2017, 2:16 pm

It's Very Hard when you become an adult, Aspergers/Autism can make you feel very young & probably think young too. It's very hard for me & I'm 46.


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CockneyRebel
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02 Apr 2017, 5:28 pm

I've decided not to completely grow up a few years ago. I'd rather be a free spirited 21 year Mod than grow up the way my mum feels that I should.


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NotThatClever13
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03 Apr 2017, 11:30 am

I know what you mean I think. I also don't feel like and adult and don't think I ever will. Isn't really helpful when there are things you need to do to survive in this world.



GraysonTerry19
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03 Apr 2017, 11:44 am

I totally understand you dude....you're not the only one who is having trouble being independent & mature as an adult, there's other people with autism/aspergers syndrome who have trouble too.


One tip I would recommend first is to go to driving-tests.org & take online quizzes for getting a driver's license, then simply do research on any jobs available in your local area that would be suitable for you, after that do research on how to handle social anxiety at work, & once you make enough money you can either find an apartment to rent for temporarily or try to find an actual house to own.


Here's a link to an article on how to be independent to (hopefully) help you get started, I hope this helps & I wish you luck on your future.



Link: https://www.autism.com/grandin_independence



scaevity
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04 Apr 2017, 12:57 pm

I absolutely get it. I'm in my mid 20s and I finally forced myself to get my drivers license a year ago. In a lot of ways I feel like a young teenager now. Emotionally, socially, I seem to be at that level and going through things people that age go through. Intellectually, I'm well-ahead of other my age, though. Despite having a professional career and being generally regarded as a successful person, I still frequently will spend entire weekends without setting foot outside my apartment, either because the thought is too exhausting or I can't think of anything to do. I know that I have the ability to do things for myself and to be around people, but I don't always push myself to do so. However, IT'S NEVER TO LATE to force yourself outside your comfort zone and to learn things that others your age have known for years or decades, but you do need to push yourself (or ask those in your life around you to start holding you to higher standards).

Something I've come to realize is that the act of trying, of forcing yourself to do something, is the only way to change. But you need to make it as easy as possible on yourself, don't start by tackling the huge issues. Choose a specific issue that you want to learn to deal with, and make small steps towards it. For instance, if you want to eventually be able to transport yourself from one place to another, start by going for a walk every day. Just 5 or 10 minutes, getting outside, either going to a specific destination or just wandering around. It forces you to see other people from a distance, gets you out of the house, gives you the confidence and skills to navigate short distances (if you need a map, or GPS, or anything, use it!). Once that becomes comfortable, take it one step farther. Maybe try taking a normal public bus. Map out the route ahead of time, have your parents or a friend go with you the first time if you're uncomfortable, maybe only go a single stop or two before getting off. Practice doing it over and over, starting simple but taking longer and more complicated trips. I rode buses for years before finally deciding to try driving, and I think that helped. It gave me a chance to realize that I can get myself from point A to point B, gave me an opportunity to watch other drivers and start learning the rules of driving without being in control of a vehicle, so when I went to drive the only thing I had to learn were the physical mechanics, which weren't as bad as I'd played it up to be in my mind.

In terms of finding ways to be around people socially, the thing that's consistently worked the best for me is signing up for some sort of group activity that I'm interested in. Pay for a month (or more) of lessons in advance, so you're committed to going, and then go. It gives you a structured environment in which to interact with people and a commitment to doing it for a while. If you choose an activity that you genuinely enjoy, that will make it easier to convince yourself to go. And again, you take small steps. At first, maybe you would sign up for a watercolor painting class, where there will be others around you, but you don't have to interact with them if you aren't ready to. Then, you could start trying to talk to the others around you (simple things like "how's your day going?", or "I like your painting"), and eventually you might be ready for meaningful conversations. You could also choose activities that force more interaction, like a ballroom dancing class, or martial arts, or a board game group, when you're ready for it.

Anyways, just some thoughts that have been useful for me! If you have someone if your life (parent, sibling, teacher, friend) who you can ask to help you make small changes and hold you to it, I would recommend talking to them about it, as sometimes external motivation helps.



K_Kelly
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04 Apr 2017, 1:25 pm

No, I have physical challenges too. I'm not recommended to take the regular public bus because they think it will be challenging. Just goes to show how people don't know my situation at all. I'm going to cry so much. I can't stand it anymore, yet I can't just "snap" out of something.



scaevity
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04 Apr 2017, 1:53 pm

I'm not saying you have to do exactly what I did. Everyone has different challenges and abilities and just because I (or anyone else) happened to overcome certain issues doesn't mean that you should choose those same issues to tackle. But the general idea holds--pick something you want to learn to do and make small steps to begin the process. Small steps are important so you don't get discouraged and so you slowly build up confidence and skills needed to do more challenging things. And, in my experience, doing small things towards some larger goal helps when I'm in a particularly depressed or lethargic state, as it give me purpose and motivation. As backwards as it seems, sometimes not doing things is more tiring than doing them. Something as simple as sitting outside in the yard and saying "Hi" to people who walk, going for a 5 minute walk, sitting in a quiet corner of a library, anything that forces you to be around people or outside your normal comfort zone can help start the process of tackling larger issues. But it's up to you to figure out what that small first step is.

I obviously don't know what your physical challenges are and I'm definitely not saying this because I think it's important to press the issue if you feel it's best not to, but I know that I've seen plenty of people on wheelchairs or with other physical issues ride public buses. Obviously, it depends on where you live and how accommodating the public transportation system is, and is harder and does require more time and effort. But if it's something that you really want to do I wouldn't give up just because other people said it's hard.