Is it me or him?

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Excuse my babbling as I am experiencing emotional overload big time.

My husband and I (married 10+ years) have huge communication issues and quite honestly polar personalities. I prefer peace and quiet, have little need for social interaction, and while I enjoy being married I'm very independent and don't require a relationship (some days I even question if I should be with anyone). My biggest thing is I HATE drama. My husband is VERY talkative, LOVES stimulation/sound in the background (there is always a tv on), and cannot stand to be alone (he has no friends and insists we do EVERYTHING together). I moved away about 5 years ago to quiet my mind and try and figure out why I was always so emotionally overloaded and physically sick. We didn't split up, I just couldn't get him to leave me alone long enough to process anything. He would talk AT me for HOURS and HOURS. After counseling, I went on Wellbutrin 300XL which seemed to help. I returned.

After returning, I took my son to a counselor who suggested he had aspergers tendencies. A few months ago he began having serious social problems at which time we began taking a closer look at the spectrum. To make a long story short, I'm 99.9% sure we both have aspergers. No big surprise, really.

Five years ago, I was convinced my husband was an emotionally abuse narcissist and that his behavior was driving me insane. After counseling, I began to accept blame for our problems due to my mental health issues. Today, I am beginning to see a lot of what I do as autistic behavior. And I'm really losing patience with my marriage. I'm sick of being criticized by someone who treats me badly because I don't meet his needs. Every time I think we are mellowing out and it's getting quiet (drama free) s**t hits the fan because I'm "ignoring him". I don't think I'm built for a high maintenance man. I've talked to friends, I've talked to my pastor... I feel guilty and selfish. My kids tell me to leave him. They think he's mean and abusive. So... is it me or him???

I'd really love some feedback from the community.

In this case,opposites don't attract!

Sounds like you married at a time,without knowing who you are and put up with his behavior.

Take time out,somewhere peaceful,and for whatever time it takes to gather your thoughts and find some clarity.

Personally i think,staying in this relationship,unless he gets help,will be at the detriment of your own health and well being.

You sound a lot like myself ie:Prefer peace and quiet,little need for social interaction,dislike drama and don't require a relationship.

Focus on yourself and your needs,at this point in time.

Good luck.: )

I say in this case it's him...I mean maybe he's grown frustrated, maybe he just never really has understood you but still no reason for him to treat you bad, if even your kids think you should leave I'd say that is another pretty good indicator.

I'm 53 and just recently self diagnosed as autistic and alexithymic. I score really high on the online tests, very functional which truly means I have great coping skills.

My self diagnosis arrived mid-stream within a relationship with my female, she being an NT empath has really thrown her for a loop. A few things now really stand out:

1 - what I do and how I think is not wrong a d not deceptive, it is all I have known
2 - I'll never experience emotions in the same way she does
3 - regardless of what I do in regards to the relationship, having someone around to talk with is usually a good thing as long as she can manage her hurt

You are not alone.

Last edited by Keigan on 10 Apr 2017, 6:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

From what you have offered I would say that it is him. Sometimes selfish is just fine when it adds to your well-being. I know relationships can be difficult for those of us on the spectrum. I am married too with two children on the spectrum as well.

If you don't feel that he values you enough to work with your challenges and honor who you are as a person then it might be a good time to look at other possibilities. I hope you find the insights you are looking for. Kind regards. Shark

That sounds quite like me in most of my long-term relationships (so far). Me and my (ex) husband divorced after 8 years together and the pattern still followed with other men. Sometimes I think I'm not made for romantic relationships or very close friendships at all. I'm really trying to communicate better with my current boyfriend - we mostly exchange emails as I can't talk about feelings in "real-time", I need to sit down, write for like 2 hours, that kind of thing. When we are close, doing something enjoyable together, we don't talk about emotional relationship stuff as it pretty much shuts me down in no time I'm just unable to speak. I can write about anything though and he's the same, luckily.
I'm trying to understand his strong need for attachment and emotional intensity, he's trying to understand me... still, it may not work out anyway, but I'm really dedicated to seriously trying this time.

Only you can know if your marriage is working for you. The fact that you are so clearly unhappy seems to point towards the fact you should end your marriage. There is no logic in staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy. A marriage is about two people working together, you should bolster each other - be better together - if you do not feel this is true walk away. If you have doubts then try a trial separation and/couples therapy. If you imagine yourself in 10 more years looking back will you wish you had acted sooner.