Finally scheduled for testing

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About a week ago I finally had an appointment for an initial assessment- no diagnosis, but a clinic visit that went better than I had expected it to- a couple of hours of filling out questionaires and a short visit with the psychiatrist about my history and what I was hoping to get treated for that actually covered a lot despite the short nature of it.

So, I have my testing appointment in a couple of weeks.

I'm happy to be finally actually getting tested, but what's been a problem has been my family- basically, a while back I had mentioned to my family about how I thought that a lot of the problems I've had over the years might be due to Asperger's, and more and more they've been dusting off very old arguments about my interests, focusing problems, social skills, and organizational skill problems. The overall "conflict" has always been the way I tend to try to "own" having health problems and pursing things my way despite the conditions, clashing with my family's tendency to expect one to place a higher priority on the health problems themselves and managing them, including accepting the restrictions that come with them.

So I'm an adult getting hit with all of their very old"lazy teen" arguments and my parent's ideas about how I need routine that manages to have me making time for everything else except my interests and responsibilities, and their hopes that some authority figure will finally make me be organized and be too busy with everything else that there won't be time for my special interests. My "agenda" is completely different and I admit, very self-serving, but not in a selfish way- I'm far more interested in getting treated so I can finally take those special interests and do something more productive with them, as well as improving social skills so I'm not so stressed and anxious when I'm interacting with people. "Owning" my condition without playing along with the stereotypes about Aspies as well as rejecting the old "gifted equals intellectually disabled" crap I got hit with when I was younger. Not being in denial about something if it's real, but I have a long memory of being called ret*d not based on a test or diagnosis, but more of a social thing to force smart people to be normal. It never made sense to me that reading above grade level and having intellectual interests was proof of a mental disability.

Today what's happening isn't quite as bad but I'm really irked that my parents are enthusiastic about me finally being on a path towards treatment, only to have them be more interested in what possible limitations and impairments might be diagnosed. Currently I'm in the early stages of a project that *does* totally focus on my areas of interest, that I am confident that I can make money with later on, but my parent's support is mixed with their old attitudes about whatever I'm doing at the moment is no different than when I was a teen sneaking off to "play" when there was "real work" to be done. Not being obsessed with cleaning my apartment every day because I'm trying to write articles is seen as no different than sitting around all day binge watching TV.

I digress- basically, my goals are to get tested, and to get treated and to take that and run with it and be proactive about it. The conflict I have with my parents over this is the same as the conflict my health problems when I was younger and my disability: It's real and has to be accepted when it adversely affects things I'm interested in, but is downplayed when it might also get in the way of me "serving" someone else's agenda, ie, parents and doctors fudging the details of my health issues depending on when my interests needed to be "restricted" vs. when there was something school related or physically demanding work to be done. As an adult, my disability is real when I'm inconvenienced a lot and not allowed to get too angry about missing out on things I enjoy, but not as "real" when I deal with it on my terms- self-identifying as a person with a disability, getting the things I need to make life easier, and keeping things as positive as possible.

I dread a similar "fight" with my family over an Asperger's diagnosis and their old ideas about my personality quirks and geeky interests *being* the condition itself. I'm trying my best not to dwell on the past too much without my family rehashing things to illustrate alleged "problems" they think are happening now.

Congratulations and good luck on starting on the path to discovery (i.e. diagnosis).

As for your family's arguments, prove them wrong. Do what you can to be responsible; show them that you have as much intent in fulfilling your responsibilities as you do enjoying your interests. Show them your plans to use your interests to do something more productive with them. You might be limited by your disabilit(ies), but you can show them that you are searching for and trying out different work arounds.

I know someone with a history of oversleeping. They take a lot of meds that affect their ability to wake up naturally, so they make an excuse. They just need an alarm clock. They are deaf, so they can not just use a normal alarm clock, so they make an excuse. They have a special vibrating alarm clock. They can not remember to set it up, so they make an excuse. They just need a reminder, probably on their smartphone because they use it for everything.

Instead of still depending on other people to wake them up every day, they could have taken responsibility for themselves and searched for and tried out these same work arounds.

Proving my family wrong has always been a huge challenge- there's a tendency for them to fixate so much on the problems I've had getting certain things done and appearances vs. realit- part of the reason I sometimes feel like I'm wasting time trying to "be" responsible. Perhaps it's also an aspie thing, but I really don't care about how things "look", I just deal with various responsibilities as they arise, without making a big deal about it. My parents seem to fixate on how much time and energy was spent on something compared with the time I spent doing something important to me. I'm not stressed about some mundane adult responsibility, so somehow that negates the actual effort I put into whatever it was I needed to do, if that makes sense. What I need my them to understand is that if they want to really help me with things in the apartment, great, but coming around to snoop or bother me when I'm either working or was needing to rest just stresses me out and we end up in arguing about it. My work around for housecleaning is to do small things as needed in rather than make a big project out of it- spending a day cleaning is mentally more draining because it's hard to focus on something boring or repetitive, but I do just fine trying to do smaller things when time permits.

I can relate to the example with your friend- I know I've made excuses about things in the past but over time, and not knowing if I was an aspie or not, I just gradually figured out ways that worked for me to stay on track with schedules or getting the "mundane" things done. What I need is for my parents to focus more on the results and not how my way isn't the "correct" way.

People should work to live, not live to work. Autism or not you should put time aside for you and your interests. Also I'm going to assume you've moved out of home. If that's the case what's the worst they can do?

Yes, I've lived on my own since the late 90s, with varying degrees of help from them. It's always been one of those things where they provide help enthusiastically but at the same time have always assumed the right to be involved in things beyond the help they've given me. A lot of is an adult version of wanting to enjoy your own space but having to allow your parents to intrude because hey, someone needs to make sure you're getting a reality check that being "grown up" has to be earned. Not a legal requirement, just that it ends up being easier to accept the badgering and having to give in and let them make demands and attempt to impose their ideas of order and routine because freezing them out until they get a clue just makes them really not take no for an answer. One "rule" is that I don't call the various apartments I've lived in "mine" or "my home" in front of them- my disability and past irresponsibility means I forfeit that right. Seriously, they get insulted when I try to invoke the "my home, my rules" idea.

With the current apartment, they've been helping me pay for it, but have also really acted like they're "owed" the right to meddle and comment on my personal life. Obviously their help is appreciated, but they're both retired, and the past few years or so have turned into something like a school vacation- more free time but having to deal with them trying to control how I spend that extra time.

One concern I have with getting tested is that if I'm diagnosed, does that compromise any future independence for me? There's an aspie in the local support group who is very high functioning, isn't intellectually disabled, but his family has imposed serious restrictions on him despite him being an adult. If I'm diagnosed, does that give my parents any legal standing to legally take over control of things? Yeah, I get paranoid about that. As it stands now, they've been both supportive of my current project but they seem as bothered by the possibility of me *not* needing their help later on as they seem to be about me needing their help now. My friends have assured me that regardless of any mental issues I might have and even with my physical disability, my parents can't just demand guardianship unless there's a real diagnosis of something very severe, and Asperger's doesn't fall under that heading. I'm assuming that I'll be like a lot of "older' aspies who weren't diagnosed until they were older.

And my point of all of it is that I'm focusing on understanding my condition and knowing how to deal with it, not how to limit myself because my family is obsessed with only the stereotypical autistic traits and executive functioning issues they've read about.

That is a great idea! That is what all of the books about staying organized and cleaning your house say: "Do a little each day."

That is the important thing. Hopefully, your parents will eventually see and recognize that you ARE trying and figuring out what works for your needs.